Mr Dooley lias the Judicial Temperament.

Otago Witness, Issue 2507, 9 April 1902, Page 72

Mr Dooley lias the Judicial Temperament.

'• If I had me job to pick out," said Mr Dooley, " I'd be a judge. I've looked over all th' others an' that's th' only wan that suits. I have th' judicyal timperamint. I 1 hate wurrk. , " Ivrybody else is pushed an' hurrid in this tumulchuse age. Th' business man has to get to th' bank befure it closes an' th© banker has to get there befure th' business man escapes, an' th' high-priced actor has to ; kill off more gradyates iv th' school iv actin' than iver he did, an' th' night editions iv th' pa-apers comes out earlier ivry mornin'. All is rush an' worry. Kings and Imprors duck about their jootiea like bellhops, th' pampered son iv luxury at New port is thiying f'r a mile a minyit in his autymobill an' th' on'y leisure class left in i th' wurruld is th' joodicyary. Mind ye, Hinnissy. I'm not sayin' annything again thim. I won't dhrag th' joodicyal ermine in th' mud, though I haven't noticed that manny iv thim lift it immodestly whin they takes th' poliytical crossing. I have th' high rayspict f'r th' job that's th' alternative iv 60 days in gaol. Besides, me boy, I invy thim. '" Somewhere a la-ad hits somewan on th* head with an ax or Binds him a bunch iv proosic acid done up to look like candy. Maybe he does, an' maybe he don't ; but annyhow, that's, what he's lagged f'r. Th' polis are in a hurry to get to th' poolroom befure th' flag falls in th' first* race, an' they carry th' case to th' gran' jury; th' grau' jury indicts him without a thought or a suspicion iv a har-rd feelin', th' judge takes his breakfast on th' bench to be. there in time, an' charges the' jury to be fair, but not to f'rget th' man done it, an' th' jury ray turns a verdict iv guilty with three cheers an' a tiger. Th' pris'ner has hardly time to grab up his hat befure he's hauled off to his funeral obsequies, an' the' onprejudiced public feels happy about it. " I don't believe in capital punishmint, Hinnissy, but 'twill niver be abolished while th' people injys it so much. They're jus' squarin' thimsilves f'r th' rayvoltin' details whin wurrd comes that Judge Tamarack iv Opohs has granted a stay iv proceeding. Stays iv proceeding is devices, Hinnissy, be which th' high coorts keep in form. 'Tis a lagal joke. I mcd it up. Says Judge Tamarack : ' I know very little about this case exeipfc what I've been' tol' be th' lamed counsel f'r th' dayfinse, an' I don't believe that, but I agree with Lork Coke in th' maxim that th' more haste th' less sleep. Therefore, to all sheriffs, greetin'. Fen jarrin' th' pris'ner till ye hear fr'm us.' " So th' pris'ner waits an' dhreams he's a lightnin' rod, an' th' public waits an' ivrybody waits. Th' high coort is bu«y in its way. Ivry two or three years it is discovered takin' a nap at a country seat in th' corn belt an' it hands down a decision f'r th' defindant in a case, f'r damages growin' out iv th' Shay rebillion. Thin it dhrops off again. Th' judge that timed th' case retires to a well-arned job with a railrood comp'ny, th' jury has ceased to looki f'r their pitchers in th' pa-apers, an' th' insurance cdmp'nies insure young Cyanide's life f'r th' lowest known preemyum. Occasionally, a judge iv th' coort iv appeals walkin' his sleep meets another judge, an they discuss matthers. "" How ar-re ye gettin' on with th' Cyanide case, Judge?' 'I'm makin' fair headway. Judge. I r-read part iv th' vardict iv th' coroner's jury las' year, an' nex' month whin lh' fi6hin' is over I expict to look into th' indictment. 'Tis a puzzlin' case. Th' man is not guilty.' ' Well, good-byo, Judge : I'll see ye in a year or two. Lave me know how ye're gettin' on. Pleasant dhreams.' An' so they part. Th' higher up a coort is th' less they see iv each other. Their office hours are fr'm a quarther to wan leap years. V© take a lively lawyer that's wurruked 20 hours a day sum' sthreet railroad comp'ni«s an' boost him onto a high coort an' he can't think out iv a hammock. TV more exalted what Hog^n calls th' joodicyal station th' more it's hko a dormitory. " Th* years rowl by an' th' tillygraft op'rator that's been cxpictin' to eind a rush tillygram through young Cyanide sees his ohms an' his volts moldin' an' no wurrud comps fr'm th' coort iv appeals but th' murmur iv th' Chief Justice: di»cu=sin' th' nullification theery. But wan day th' decision is wafted down. Th' coort finds, it says, ' that th' vardict was conthry to th' law i an' th' ividence. We seen thia fr'm th' first. It's as plain as th' nose on ye'er face. Th' judge was prejudiced an' the jury was ignorant Th' ividence wasn't sufficient to hang a cat. We revarse th' decision an' ordher a new thrile that full justice may be done. I We cannot help remarkin' at this time on th' croolty iv subjectin' this unfortunate man to all these years iv torture an' imprisonment with a case again him which we see at a glance durin' th' Mixican war cud net sthand th' test iv th' law.' " But whin th' decision is carried to th' pris'ner th' warden says, ' Who? ' 'P. Cyanide," says the dark iv th' ccort. 'He's not here,' says th' warden. "On con&ulfin' me books I find a man iv that name left in th' year Mvinty-wan.' 'Did he escape?' 'In a sinse.' 'He cuddent appeal?' 'In a way he did. Hr'= dead.' " So, Hinm=sy. I'd liko to be a judge iv a Hi^h Coort, dhreamin' th' happy hours away." Known l)j the Scent. CRET-IIAIRED HAN IS XOW CONTEXT TO APPEAR OKEY. " I suppose I'm like other men when their grry hairs begin to get the better of the black," said the man on the <-hady side of 45 "At lea-t I was up till four or five years ago. '" I didn't fancy the grey, and =o I resorted to hair-dye. It did the bu«ine e s in a way, and I went around bc!io\ing that no person of common sen=e would take me for a day over 30. "One day I make a "-hort journey by rail, and it so happened that two farmer »at in the seat behind me. By and-by© I heard them spiffing and snuffing over my hair-dye, and aftei a bit one whispered to the other : * ' SjS^ do you remember the fellow

we egged down at Jacob's Corners two years ago for preachin' Mormonism?' " ' Sure, I do,' whispered the other, ' an* ' I'll bet he's runnin' yet.' " • Then you'd lose, Jim. This is him right in front of us.' " ' How d'you know? ' " ' Because he hasn't got rid- of -the smell of the eggs yet !' "That settled my case," sighed the greyhead. "I washed that dye off as soon as I could reach water and ammonia, and have never used any since. It seemed to be a choice between bad eggs and grey hair, and I took the hair." — Boston Globe. Editorial Responsibility. The troubles of the literary man are seldom better exemplified than in the case of th© seedy-looking poet who wandered into a newspaper office, venturing to hope that the editor would accept his offering. '' Give me your address," said the editor. "That, sir," was the frank reply, "depends entirely on yourself. ' "On myself?" said the astonished editor. "How so? " " Well, you see," went on the unabashed poet, "it's this way: if you take the poem! my address will remain 77 King street; if you don't take it I shall have no addi'ess. My landlady is a woman of her word." Where to 6et Them. The man and wife were sitting at break* fast th© other day. The husband was trying to read the morning paper, while his wife was lecturing him upon some of his shortcomings. Ho suddenly looked up from his paper and said, " Here is a perfectly correct sentiment. A writer in this paper says, ' The be3t capital to begin life with is a capital wife.' " " That's very true, dear," assented the wife, smiling in order that her remark might elicit a compliment ; '" but where can you always get them?" "In the deaf and dumb asylum, of course," replied th© husband. As the sympathetic novelists say, "We will not further invade this scene of quiet domestic felicity." Disciplining a Boy. " Willie,"' said the stern parent, "go over and sit in that chair. " Yes, sir. ' '' Now, keep still. I've put up with your noise just as long as i intend to." "Can't I talk?" " No, you can't talk." " But, papa, I " "Keep still !" There was silence for about two minutes, during which time the stern parent became interested in his paper. " There was a runaway out here to-day papa." Still silence. " Tommy Johnson was run over." "Eh? What's that?" inquired the stern parent, looking up from his pa-per. " Somebody run over? '' " Yes. A butcher's cart ran right over Tommy Johnson's toes, an' you oughter heard him yel'. The horse ran away, you know, ar>' " " Break anything? " " No. Driver came out of a house an* caught it 'fore it had gone more'n across the street." " Well, it wasn't much of a Look here, I told you to keep still. I don't want; to be bothered." "I don't see why I can't talk just a little." "Well, you can't." Again silence for about two minutes. " You know those boys that have been breaking windows round here, papa?" No answer. " Mr Brown caught one of 'em to-day." Still no answer. " Oh, you oughter have seen the way he licked him." The stern parent's head came over the top of his paper again. "What's that?" he exclaimed. " Caughfc one of the boys and trounced him, did he? He ought to have used a whip. Whose boy was it? " " I don't know hit name He lives about five doors away from here. He's the one who had a fight with me, you know." " Oho ! That one? I wish I'd caughfc him." " I wish you had. He threw mud all over my clothes once, an' he's fightin' most of the time. He always carries a club or a stick of some sort ; but maybe you could lick him, anyway." " Oh, you think I could, do you? Sea here, young man, I told you to keep still." "' How can I when you keep talkin'?" " That'll do. Kot another word." Silence for perhaps thre© minutes. " Stood top of the class in spelling today. M No reply. Teachor kept me after school, though." Again no reply. "Tried to whip me with a ruler." "What! Teacher- tried to inflict corporal punishment on you? That settles that. I know one teacher who'll be looking for a. job or I'll kno.v the reason why. What hatl you been doing? Com© over hce and tell me about it." And thus the attempt of a stern parent; to discipline a boy of just ordinary cleverness ended as such attempts almost invariably do. 'Jhe Point Was JHissing. J '" Professor," said an acquaintance, " you understand Latin, do you not? " " W»4J." replied the professor, " I may be taid to have a fair knowledge of Latin; ye=." " I know everybody says you have. I wish you would tell me what 'volix ' means. Xobocly tjiat I l»ave ask)=cl seems to have hoard of tLo word.' 1 "If there I*l any surli ivord as volix, madani — of wiijnh I have serious doubts — I certainly do n<s» know what it means." "You surprise me, professor. XAX A man of your attainments ought to know that volix means Vol. IX." The professor devoted a moment to calling up hi« reserves and bringing his light artillery into action "It is no woni'ci-, madam," he said, "that T did not sec the pointy of your joke. You left the point out of it." PnPUir.onia. with its swift attack, Shows mercy to but faw, And those that strength and good health lack Can't hope to pull safe through. When winter brings its cold and wet, Such things we can endure If we but have the senso to gefc Soma Woods' Cheat rcrrEiiiiiXT Cube.