FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2507, 9 April 1902, Page 59

FUN AND FANCY.

— Mrs Slipshod writes to a*k for the address of the place where ei\il ser\uuta conio from Hers, she says, are so rude. — Susie : " Wouldn't you like to be_ as happy a^ the larks''" — "Johnnie-: '"X.w, Think of the time they have to get up." — Kate: "I fear you will find me full of faults."— Dick: " Darling, it shall be the dearest offioe of my life to correct them." — Kate; " Indeed, you shan't!" — Mr*- Turnbull: " It is too ba<? .that your husband cut off his flowing beard."— Mrs Crinip'e: "Oh, but he had to do it; I gave him a diamond scarf-pin for a birthday T?resent." ' ' ■* — A little girl was sitting at a table opposite a gentleman with a waxed, moustache. After gazing at him for several moments she exfiaimeci : "My kitties has got smellers, too!" — "That girl can't talk a little bit." "1^ that so':" "Quite true. The only thing she said to me the whole evening was ' No,' and I had to propose to her to get her to gay that." — Hetty : Oh, Bertha, you mvst show me that hat your husband said he \va" going to buy for you. The last time I was here, you know : he said it was a dream." — Bertha : "And it is still a dream, Hetty." — Mrs Newrich : " But, Henry, how could you have given £10 for this dog? Is ho really worth it? " — Mr Newrich (with deep feeling): "Worth it? Ah, Emily, if you o" I had the pedigree that dog has !" — " What is, the plural of man. Johnny? " asked the teacher of a small pupil. " Men," answered Johnny. " Correct," Raid the teacher. " And what is the plural of child?" "Twins," was the unexpected answer. —^Wife (reading paper): "Hcie is an account of a man ill Yorkshire who sold his wife for £5. Isn't he dreadful?" — Hu=band (thoughtfully) : " Well, I dunno. Fne pounds is a good deal of nioiicy." — " Blinking is a nice follow."- "Yes; but he allows >-uch a marked cli-po-ition to cxnggciate."—" To be sure: but that is counter-balanced by one thing "—"" — " What i> that?" — "The general indisposition to belie%e him." — Johnny: " Hc«.v old was Methuselah, auntie? "— Aunt : "Nine hundred year 1011." — "And how old are you. auntie?" - "Thuty, my child."— " Tl-rn papa rec'.oncd wimig by 870 years. He said }ou were a> olu as Methuselah." — Lady (engaging cook) : "Do you understand French cookery? " — Applicant (who Lail, from the Emerald Isle): Oh, yi*. mum. Oi understand all about furrin cookery. Oi can cook French beans, an" Spanish onions, and Jcrusnlem artichoke^ !" —A. (a student of human nauue): "I am much interested in your friend Mi^s C. I see in her face the shadow of a great sorimv. the weight of a tliti k? set ret. or — can it be remorse?" — B. (only an oidmary man): Perhaps it is a rf^lit A\<\e. — Kind Old Lady: "Poor man ! You look as if you had Feen better ('ays." — Mr Willir Dcadtired : " I have, madam (Jure I dwi'lt in grauite halls." — Kind Old Lady: " And why this log* of feuch a home"' " — Mr Willie Deadtired : "My term expired." — Mis 3* Fosdick : "Wouldn't it be dreadful to be a Fvene-h girl and ha\e to marry the man your parents* chose? " — Mies Keedick: "I can conceive of only one thing more dreadful."— " What i= that:"—" To livo in Eugl'aud and not be able to get a husband at all," — Papa: "Is the teacher satisfied with you"'"— Toby: "Oh. quite."— Papa : "Did he tell you so?"— Toby: "Ye*; after a olose examination h& said to me the otbor day. 'If all my scholaiti were like you I wou'd phut up my school this very day!' That shows that I know enough." — Visitor: "I am most grieved to learn cf your mistress's illness. Nothing «prious ; no great cause for alarm, I tru^t? " — The New French Maid: "No, monsieur; nozzing beeg, nozzing grande. Somezing — what you cull leetle, petite." — Visitor: "What is it?" — The New French Maid: " Ket is what zey call so little — =mall — smallpox." — A printer, who doe&n't mind a joke at his own expense, says he went into a oh< mist.-, recently and asked for >ome morphine. The assistant objected to ghing it without a prescription. "Do T look like a man who would kill himself •'"-" I don't know, I am sure." haid the a.-=i>t.uit : " but if I looked hko you I should be tempted." — Passeiitrpr : "Can you tell mp. my good man. the name of tbat fine bird ho\«*rmg about"'" — Old Salt: "That's a halbatro=«. Mr." — Pa'-^enger : "It's a rara avis, is it not."—Ol d Sat : " Dui'iin, sir; \'\o alway.hcard it c-aJicd <i balbatroB 1 -." — Passenger: Yes, yes-, my good fellow; but I call that a rara avis just ;ts I call you a genus homo." — Old Salt (indignantly): "Oh, then, f calls that :v halbatross just the same ai I call Iyou an old hidiot." — When Mark Twain and his wife wer<; on their wedding tour he wrote to a friend at Buffalo to secure lodgings for them. This friend met them at the station on their return, aiid assured them that they would find their boarding hou»e sati-factory. On reaching there they were welcomed by the bride-) parents, who asked them to aeeent the hou-e a* a wedding gift. Overcome b\ the i-uipri=o, Maik took hi- wife'- hand and. stepping up to her parents, '•imply -.aid. '' Happy twain " — Tlip follow ing story is told of tic Bishop of London: — (ioing along throng 1 ' some of his old haiinti in the East End the other day, the Bishop p-pied an urchin making an unusually large mud-pie. "What are you doing, my boy " a--ked thf kn.dlv Bi-hop "■ Plca<c, >ir. I'm making a tiieaduil " "Oh ' you are making a cathedral, me you. my little man: but where l- the Bishop" 1'"1 '" The. i boy. downcast, replied, " Plea'-e. mi\ 1 ain't got mud enough to make a Bi*hcp " Exit the Bi=hop. -^-