FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2506, 2 April 1902, Page 60

FUN AND FANCY.

— Sl'e : '• Mr Daubster, the artist, told me I was as pretty as a picture." He: "I hope he didn't mean one of his own pictures." — " Darling," he cried, in tender tone:-, "I never loved but theo !" "Then we mu=t part," the maid replied; "no amateurs for me." — Curate: "It must be a comfort to you, Mrs Smith, to reflect that your hie has been well spent." Mr.s Smith: "Ve 5 , pretty well, thank you. sir. I've buried tlueo husbands in my time.' 1 — Father: "Well, I hope you've got on vvoll this term. What have you done?" Tommy: "Oh, I've been put in the second football eleven, and in our last match I made two gcal=." — She: "There's Mrs Smith, and her uncle was buried yesterday." He: "There is only one death in her family that would keep that woman at home." She: "Whose?" He : " Her own." — " (Tcorgie," said hi? mother, "I will rot whip v o\i this time if after this you promise to be a good little boy like Willie Jones." "Mamma." said Georgie, earnestly, " vvr lp me, please." — Reporter: "The name of that man on the Wet Side who was struck by lightning is Erzinslatowekivvicz." Assistant City Editor: "What was his name before he was struck by lightning?" — Jabbers: "I tell you. eld man, it's a terrible thing when your wife quarrels with her mother and the old lady lives with you. Which side do you take?" Havers: "Neither. I preserve an alarmed neutrality." — Tommy (impatiently): "I wish I was Bobby Yates." Mamma: "But _ Bobby ha=n't any dear little brothers and sifters." Tommy: ""That's just where he's so h-cky ; he's not obliged to bo a good example." A paradox really Is debt. Foi\ in fact, it Grows constantly bigger The more you contract it. —Mr Flushing (hospitably) : "So you have joined o-.ir club?" Mr Elmhurst (wearily): " Yep ; my wife has got the house =o full of 'cosy corners' there isn't any place where I can sit down and be comfortable." — "Are you sure these corsets are unbreakable" asked the doubting customer. "I have been wearing a pair myself for a year," said the shop-girl, " and they are not broken yet. And,' she continued, blushing, " I'm engaged." — Elsie: "Melville says he thinks platonic friendship is the thing, and fhat he will never marry." Maud: "I used to know a fellow who said that too." EWe : "Where is he now?" Maud: "Upstairs playing horse with baby." — Wifo of His Bosom: "How does it happen, dear, that you aie ne\er moused of misrepresenting eminent men in your reports of interviews?" Experienced Interviewer: "I don't print what they say, but what they out<ht to say." — Here is Your Biography in a Nutshell: "Born; welcomed; caressed ; cried ; fed ; grew ; amused ; reared ; studied ; examined ; graduated : in love ; loved ; engaged ; married ; quarrelled ; reconciled ; suffered ; mourned and forgotten !" — Golueky : "As I'm the special summer coi respondent of the Daily Blnward, I suppose }"our terms t,? me will- be somewhat different from ycur terms to regular guests?" Hotel Manager (briskly) : " Ye% sir— yes, gir : of cource. Our terms to you will be eaeli in advance." — Two ciders were discussing their new minister. " Mon, Sandy," said one of them, " it's an awfu' peety the noo minister speaks through his nose." " Yes, rnon," replied the other, " it\ an awfu' peety, and it's no like aa if he were pinched for room through his mooth." — His Wife's Mother (m a terrible flutter) : "Oh, dear! Oh. my! That heavy Louis XIV clock upstairs has just fallen off the wall with a terrible crash on the very spot where I stood but a moment before." Her Daughter' «= Husband (absent-mindedly) : " I always said that clock was slow." — Antique Young Lady: "You see. niy dear Count, I often sit under this spreading oak on warm summer evenings and compose my brightest tongs to the rustling of its leaves. It is my favourite spot in the whole park!" Count: "Ah! I understand; probably mademoiselle planted the oak herself?" — " My dear fellow," said Brown to his friend Jones, who was bespeaking his attendance at Smith's funeral. "I never go to ceremonials of this description unless I have loved and liked the man through life. This invitation I must, therefore, decline. If it «nre you about to be buried, I would go with pleasure." — A Melbourne visitor called in at a country shire-hall, and after listening for a while to a debate in the council, brought away a gem : " I don't care what Councillor Smith fay.- ; I don't accept his authority I tell you, Mr President, that he i» ultra vires, null and void, and all wrong to blazes, and I vote a^in' him." — "I heard a queer s-tory about that mountain over vpnder from our native driver to day." — "What was that?" — "A young lady and gentleman went out for a walk on that hill; they went up higher and Lifrher and — never came back again." "Dear nic ! What became of the unhappy pair" " They went down on the other sid*»." — German Barbor: "Did you see that man th?,t went just now by the door out?" Ou a tomer: "Yea. I ,«aw him." Barber: "He insulted me. He told mo why don't I uec my razor for a megnut prater." Customer: "Yen Khculd have talked back." Barber: "I did. I told him to come to — "Mi, Weed-,," said Mr Hinl.-. "I asked your daughter to marry me. and she referred me lo you." " I'm sure that's veiy kind of Susie, but then the always was a dutiful girl. Really, Mr Binks, I hadn't thought of marrying again at my tune of life, but since you insist, suppose w<> make the wedding day the 20th of the month '•" — The arrival of a band of Russian a--ti<nornn s at Tomsk, in Siberia, whore they are about to establish an observatory, has caused an outbuilt of hostility among Ihe pea-ants in the neighbourhood. Tlie natives are cjnvinccd that the astronomer- v ill gatFier the stars together in a bag and take them away, thus causing droughts, '•nice the lam, they believe, tomes from Iho >taiTl.° "Mir:obc." bringing cough and cold, I T a, now ;i 'hi: y =ea=on, And bcu i ' to get a lasting hold Uhlle v c Jut io re.yon Xi^'l' U may Liinif v'u ' to lnc g rave » Tliai'o po:iti>'> aiul ture, 13* it !H' % »v danger w<: can brave .With Woods' Gii£ax Pefpsbhixt Cube.