FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2505, 26 March 1902, Page 59

FUN AND FANCY.

— "Papa, what does 'pons asinorum ' mean?" asked the child. "Bridge whist ?"' replied the old man. who was socially impossible.

— Teacher : " Now, who can tell me which travels fastei — heat or cold?" Johnny Bright: "Heat, of course; anybody can catch cole."

— CumsO : " What a sweet wife young Foadiek has! Where did he meet her?" Cay. ker . '"Their chain of matrimony was forged on the goif links "

■ — Curio Collector : ' Have you any old relics you arc willing to part-with?" Stubbs: "Yes, my wife's mother is stopping with us, but I don't think she would Hiit you." — " You don't mean to say that' that black fel'ow i= a member of your club? I thought it \va« so c\elu=i\c." "Ah, it isn't what it mcd to be. Why, you could join it now ! ! !" I revelled underneath the moon, T slept ber.eaih the sun : I lived a life of goiug- to-do. And died — with nothing done.

— Affable Arietcrat : "The fact is, my name is not Gibson. You see, I'm travelling, incosr. There's my card." Mr Tuppings: "Glad to hc?r it. I'm travelling in pickles. Here's mine."

— "There's Mrs Mciryairl's husband over there. Somehow he doesn't look like a very bright chap to me. Does he know anything?" " Know anything, my clear ! He doesn't even suspect anything." — Chollie : "Are you fond of the water?" Elsie: ""Very! At •'J'ip- mere thought of sailing over the l>oundln~ waves I can scarcely contain mj-self." Chollie: " Yer, that's the way it affects me, too."

— " If I had known how .-arcastic you were I nevar would have married you," he said. " You had a chanco to notice it. Didn't I bay. 'This is so sudden ' when you proposed aftej- a two years' courtship?". — A book canvßS-er attempted to sell a. busy and none too litpratr bmniess man an encyclopaedia. " Cy<.-lop:ed'a !" exclaimed the city gentleman. " No : don't want it ! Wouldn't have time to ride it!"

— Likf Father. Like Son.— Rector : "Mr Jones, I'm sorry to tell you that I saw your boy fishing on Sunday." Mr Jones: "Confound the- rascal ! I thought it was strange I couldu't find my fishing rod." — Teacher (taking the class in English history): "Now, William Johnston, what happened on the Fifth of November?" William (roadily): "Please. Eir, our Henry got his finger blown off and dad singed off all his whiskers."

—At the Exposition.— Mike : "Phat koind uv a machine is thot. It siz ' Pat. 1870. Pat. ]880, Pat. 1890, Pat. ' ' Jeriy: " Begobs, thot muehl be an Oirishmar. runnin' the machine this thirty odd year, and signed his name ivery tin or so uv thirn." — "Yes." said Fairy Prince, "you may have whatever you want for a birthday present." "I will choose," said the Fortunate Person, "either a wife or a motor car " "How fooli.-h !" exclaimed the Fairy Prince. "Why do you not select something that you can manage?" —"I hope," said the spvious man, that you haven't been betting on the races?" "I hope so. too," said fie voting man with the ted necktie and the restles? eye. "I hope I will wake up to-morrow and find out that the \Vhole thing was a wild dream. But there's no nso hoping." — Papa: "Where's mv umbrella? Im sure 1 put it in the hall stand with the others k't evening." Willie: "I gue*s Mabel's beau took it when he went home 'ast night. Mabel : " Why, Willie ! The idea !" Willie : "Well, when be was savin' good night to you I heard him say ' I'm going to steal ju-,t one.' " . — "Your honor," 'a.d the fair plaintiff in the divorce proceeding?, " you will be doing me a very erP.it faiour in granting my divorce. You see, when I married him. lus red hair harmonised beautifully with the decorations of the house; but I have just had it repapered and all the furniture upholstered in green, and now he clashes dreadfully." Indignant Father: " Hndn't you done anything but laugh?" Boy: "No, nothing at all " "And the master caned you for that? The scoundrel ! I'll teach him — — " " Yeb, a.d bo thro shed me hard, too! He's a groat, biz ma' " Father (not quite so indignanl) • " H'm. .•> he 1 ' You mustn't laugh in vclkkjl. Johnny. It's against the rules." — " Do you think that a man i= always

better off for a college education?" "No," .u:ow ered the housewife rather shai ply. "This morning 1 a>ked o man who came around with a waggon whetlipr lip had any nice, fresh eg-ps. Ho merely looked at me reproachfully, and said. ' Madam, might I be permitted to observe that f re&h jeggs are always nice eggs, and nice eggs are always fresh " — While waiting for a troin after an entertainoiPnt at Earlswood Asylum. Mr Lai Brouffh plavcd a game of billiards with a ouiet, harmless old lunatic. He hud voluntarily conceded fifty points, and at the end of the game his opponent said to him, gravely : " Really, Mr Brough. if you go about giving paints as recklessly as this, you will find yourself confined in this institution with me before long." He had been badly beaten. — Lord Krskine, when at the Bar. was retained for a lady named Tickle, against whom an notion for libel had been brought. On the trial he commenced bis address to the court thus: "Tickle, my client, the defendant, my lord " The audience, amueed with the oddity of thp >peech. were almost driven to hysteric-n by Hip judge's replying: "Tickle her yourself. Harry; you are as well able to do it a.s 1."

- A Keon Dramatic Cutic — Two young men s-at through th<> >rst act at a local theatre, then adjourned to a neighbouring bar for refreshment. The acting was bad, and would have excused the use of stimulants by any but the player*. When about to re-enter the building only one ■rotild produce hi* return (.hook. " It's all right," said he of the check airily "You remember him ; he's with me." " Yes" answered the gatekeeper, mow doubtful than polite, " but he may have given his rsheck to some other person." " But he didn't," was the convincing reply. "He's a stranger here, and hasn't an enemy in the city." The gate opened wide.