FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2504, 19 March 1902, Page 59

FUN AND FANCY.

— Why did the penny stamp? Because i three penny bit. Smytiic • " Were you ever in a railway d' j'tcr''"' Blown- "Yes, I once kissed the HllXlg gll I 111 <l tlll'liol." — Self-made Man (examining a school) : ' Now, ni> bny. what i- the capital of 'Ollaud 1 '" Boy. ' An '11, -lr ' - Mrs Foikon: "Did jon -find it at all like horn" at Joyce V'" Mr J "rken : "Very Hi*, wite nagged him I'.t whole blessed tune." — What made Charing Crc=s? Watching London Rridge. — Who taught London BrHgo'' The same person who tanghc Water-100. — Mrs A. : "My husband is positively impossible-: he knows nothing." Mrs Bee: "Mine is M'np'y unbearable; he knows everything." — "F admire your wife's style of writing. Her dn tion i- peifeit." " Ye», her diction is all right. So is her contradiction That's wondeiful." — Mrs A : "Is it true that your son holds the appointment of v ardor in a gaol?" Mrs B. : " Yes : but only criminals of good family are imprisoned there." — Ho.-teo* : " What, going already, professor "' And must you take your dear little wife away v.ith you 4 '" Profe^-or : "Indeed, madam. I am sorry to s-ay I must." — Ilr : "There are at least a dozen womeD who v.oiikl be glad to get me if you were to die." Shs : "I don't doubt it. They know I've got you pretty well trained." The bachelors cay that, o.i the whole, Their independent homes will do, But mamed men have better halves, And theiefore better quarters, too. --Fiench Professor : "Ah, ye-, mademoiselle, you spick ze French wizout ze least accent" Mi-? Breezy: "Do I really?" French Professor: "Oh, yes ; zat ees, wizout ze lcn«t Fr»ne'i accent." — Kxcited Lady (at tbo telephone) : " I want mv husband, please, at once." Voipp ifrom the exchange): "Number, please?" Excited Lady (snappishly) : " Only the fourth, you impudent thing." —Mr Perkly : "Oh, if you could only learn to rook as my first wife did!" Mrs iVrkly : "If you were as smart as my dear first husband was you'd be rich enough to Ciimloy the best cook in the land." — Qurricus: "Who is tho happier, a man who ha-- £50.000 or one who lias seven ! daughters?" Rabbdas : "The latter." Quericiu : "Why?" Rabbilas : " The man ' with £50,000 wants more, the other doesn't." I --"My garden is getting awfully dry," i lemarked the suburbanite in the train one I hot morning last summer. "Well," asked ! his young friend in the opposite corner, I " how do you expect it to hold water when you'\e planted leeks in it?" , ! — A young man was once proceeding along the road on a beautiful horse, when lie oiertook a witty old man riding on a 1 donkey. "How goes the ass. father';'" he .■v-ked. "On horseback, my sou, on horseback."' returned the old man. — "The collection for the heathen last I Sr.nday." 'aid a minister, "was very gratifying Wo got a dozen shirt-buttons. If 1 rhe congregation will kindly put a few shirts m the plate this morning to go with them 1 no more can be expected of them." — A (rovernmenfc inspector, entering a rural , post-office, en feeing a woman at the deh- . very counter, paid : " I was under the imI pressiou that a man was in charge of this ! office " "And so he was," replied the j woman, sharply ; "but I married him." i - He was about to strike the one-armed rpan. vhen an old gentleman interfered, and '-aid: "All. you surely would not strike a man who hns only one arm?" "Wouldn't 1'" he said. "If he lifted his hand to me | I w ould sti ike him if he had no arms at all." i -"One of our tumbles at the club," I ';ud Auffii'tus, " has been to make the ' w.wtoh- di-tmguishable fwom the m^mbahs jft our evening wceeptions. But we've >ol\ed it at lawst." "So I rpp." remarked j Arc'i.e. "You've got intelligent-looking I \\aitah ; ." - A you nar woman tried to be aristocratic, and did not look at the money that I she pa\e to the I ram-car conductor, but he ! me-ekly ga\e her back the lozenge, on which was written: '" I'll never cease to love thee," and «iii(l that he wa« an orphan with fi\e htt'<' brothers to support, and must be ex ( ippil

!'a--enger (Iranmir out of compartment, to bookstall boy) : "You pioliably did not know when vnu put thi^ book in mv l.ip that I was Hip author." Bookstall Boy:

'• R<-nllr'' Well, you'd bes-t keep quiet about it. I'\e ju-t sold a topy to the man next to you."

- " Supposing I decide to let yon have the money, how do I know that I f«ha]l cef it back ;it the tinip you mention:'" asked Brown. " I uromisc it. my boy, on the wonl of a gentleman." replied Moore "Ah 1 , in that ca3e I may think better of it. Come round this evpnintr and bring him with you."

- She : " Yciu know. John, you promised me v .sealskin wrap and- ." He: "And you promised to kepp mv stockings darned, and yon haven't done it." She: "Well, vnu don't me.m to c ay you'll break your .promise on that account" He: "Well it's like this: You don't ghe a darn, and I don't t/ive a wrap." - Home time ago, in the court of a Scot-ti-h burgh, a man was charged with the theft of a pig. The worthy Bailie, in sentencing the pri-oner, remarked that pigstcalnitf in the burgh had lately been ton life. <in<l finished his pororation thu^: > "And iuilc->^ f make an example of you it's \ery ci'itaiu mine of us will be bafc." — Lady dnter\iew irnr parlomm.iid) : "I'm nfrnid you'ie too good-looking. You see, I have grown i-on=, and young men are so thoughtless and gi\en to flirting." Swell Parlourmaid (loftily) : " You noed not worry yourself about that, madam ; I have higher a-piration than your sons I am engaged to a professional football player, and one of the be*t !"

— At tho Northern hor=e fair recently an iiitcrdmt? purchaser arrived rather late in the t\>iv, when the choice wj? limited. He noticed three aiMinals huddled together in a corner. =o going up to- the attendant he-s-aid: "Tiot out the middle one, mate. 1 ' "Whof," answered the attendant, "and let t'other two fall down? Not if I know it! Wait till the bo«= comes. I'm takiu' no ii^k-l' 1