FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2503, 12 March 1902, Page 59

FUN AND FANCY.

— She (at the piano): "Listen; how do you enjoy this refrain?" He: "Very much. The more you refrain the better I like it." — Brown : " You never know the worth of a wife until some great trouble befalls you." Merrit : "Yes, it's so nice to lay the blame on her." — Mrs Flynn: "What shall I do? This weighing machine only goes up to 12 stone, and I weigh nearly fourteen. "_ Mr' Flynn : " Get on twice, my dear." — " You say O'Hannagan leaves the Orphans' Home a large legacy?" " Bedad, it's purty large." "How much?" "Twelve childien an' a goat, begorra !" — M'Swatters: "My groom, Ebenezer, and the cook, Florence, are -going to be" married." M'Switters: '"Ah! then it will be the Eb and Flo of the tied." ' — She : " Well, dear, after that you must acknowledge that you are a fool!" He: "I always knew it, darling; but — until I married you — I managed to keep it secret." — "Professor," said the graduate, trying to be pathetic at parting; " I am indebted to you' for all I know." "Pray do not mention, such a trifle," was the unflattering reply. — Miss Budd (to famous pianist): "That music was truly divine, monsieur." Monsieur: "Ah, mam'selle, zat is indeed praise; for who but an angel would know divine music?" 1 — A Luxury.— Elderly Spinster (coyly) : " I think there should be a tax on the I ' single state ' ; don't you, Colonel?" UnI gallant Bachelor: "Ye 3; as on all other luxuries." — A vitty l.idy says : "If you want to find out n man's real disposition take him when he^s wet and hungry. If he is amiable then," dry him and fill him up and you bave an angel." i( — "Why are you going to leave, James? "Because thsy treat me so badly. Why, they TTeat me as one of the family! Tie mis-tress calls mo an old fool as often a= she does her husband !" Success is like a greasy pole That tall and tapering btands; And few — alas! how veiy few l — Succeed in crawling upwards who Disdain to soil their hands. — Clara: "I was surprised to see so much paint on your face last night. I never saw anything liko it in my life." Maud: "Well if you can't afford to buy a mirror I'll lend you one." . „ — " Your conversation. Mr Hevviman, said Miss Peppery, suppressing^ a yawn, "reminds me of some champagne." "Ah!" exclaimed Hevviman, much pleased; "so sparkling as that?" "No, but it's extra "IlMiss De Muir: "Papa, this is Mr Galloper—no, I mean Mr Pacer." The Young Man: "I beg pardon, but my name is j Trotter " 3liss De Muir: "So stupid of me. I knew it had something to do with hor,e.s, though." — A mendicant approached a benevolentlookhig old gentleman the other day and said: "Dear sir, I have lost my leg.' Ihe benevolent-loolqug old gentleman replied, as he hurried "away: "My dear •friend, 1 am very son-y, but I have not saeu anything — A farmer -in Berkshire has had posted on a meadow fence the following"-: Notiss. Know kows is allowed in these medders; any man or woman letten there kows run the rode wat gits into my medders a^j? 1 " shall have his tail cut off by me, Obadiah Rogers." . , — A country youth, with a very large mouth, entered r music-dealer's shop not I far from Birmingham to purchase a mouthorgan. He was shown every make of mouth' organ in the shop, but still was not satisfied "Look here," said the assistant, "we shall have to measure you forgone. Just try your mouth along the piano." — " Blockhead !" shouted the exasperated drill sergeant to the raw recruit. "Are they all such idiots as you in your fam.ly.' "No." said the recruit; "I have a brother who i* a great deal more stupid than I am. "Impossible! And what on earth does this, incomparable blockhead do?" "He 1? a drill sergeant !" . The professor was explaining to the class at a girls' high school the theory according to which the human fiame is com pletely renewed every seven yearg^ and, addressing one of his pupils, he said : " Thus, Miss Brown, in seven years you will be Miss BroAii no longer." "I devoutly hope that may be so," said the young lady, demurely casting down her eyes. —He (returning from a long journey) : " And, pray, how did you feel during my absence? You will have missed me very much." She: "Oh, no! Every night Ij took tome of your old clothe* and scattered them about the floor, then I burnt a few cheap cigars m your study, trampled the mud out of the street all over the stairs, then it felt just aa if my sweet, darling husband were "at home." — Mother (reading telegram) : Henry telegraphs that the football match is over and he came out of it with three broken ribs, a broken nose, and four teeth out. Father (eagerly) : " And who won?' Mother: "He doesn't say" Father (impatiently): "Confound it all! That boy never thinks of anybody but hirmeU! Now I must wait until I get the morning paper. — • Nellie." spoke the youth, with an air of confidence, "only say the word and you and I will sail together on the rough sea of life, bra\ely buffeting the waves, trimming our sails to meet the adverse winds that " Go, (xpoffrey. go, ' interrupted the maiden. "The man who takos me on that journey mu^t offei me a firfct-cla-s pat-age on a bteamer." Whereupon GeoffiPV failed out of her presence with a decided h-t to port.

YE VICTIS. Woe to the conquered woe' — Though thus lun God's decreeHearts of the conquerors—aching to — Respect thy misery. Love ior the conquered • love — Swells in the Briton's breast; No room for hate; the brooding Dove Of Peace desireth rest. Peace for the conquered: Peace — Spreads wide her sheltering wings; Embracing, sees the conflict cease, And fond protection flings —Joyce Jocelyn. Auckland. February 11.

Turnip Seeds of the leading kinds, such as "Standard" Swede, Romney March, Sutton's All the Year Round, Aberdeen Green and Pulple Top Yellows, of beat quality and strain, obtainable from, NlMliQ suid. Bjuub, PuacdJA.