FUN AND FANCY,

Otago Witness, Issue 2501, 19 February 1902, Page 59

FUN AND FANCY,

—At the Gates of Heaven.— Pet?r : " Well, why do you hesitate?" Shade of Erin : "Kin Oi have ivery other evenin' out':" — IfiLy : " Jac k proposed to me while turning the music for me at the piano.'-' Elsie : " Ah, I see ; you played right into his bonds." — Poetess : " The poem I sent you, Mr Editor, contains the deepest secrets of my soul." Editor: "I know it, madam, and no one shall ever find them out through me." — "I shall ne\er marry!" declared Miss Elderly, in a tone meant to be firm. "Don't siy that,"' answered her best friend, Florence. "' Women older than you have had proposals." — "Well, little boy, what's your name?" " Shadrach Nebuchadnezzar Zoots.'' "Who gave you that name?" '" I don't know : but if I find out when I gets older they'll be sorry for it." — Judge: "What sort of a man, now. was it whom you saw commit the assault?" Constable : " Shure, yer honour, he was a small, insignificient craythur — about yer own size, ycr honour." —" It is sad,' murmured the Musing Theorizer. "to think that every man ha 3 his price." "Yes," admitted the Intensely Practical Worker, "and it is a sad fact that half the time he can't get it.'' — "Miss Wallflower, is much ■ more-senti-mental than I thought. She keeps every letter that old lover of hers writes her." " That i=n't sentimental, my dear ; it 15 good, hard, breaeh-of-promise sense." — v " Puffins answered an advertisement in which somebody offered to sell him the --secret for preventing trousers-'JFrom" getting fringes round the bottom." "What did they t?ll him?"' "To wear knickcrboekcr-." A teacher whose spelling's unique, Thus wrote down the "Days of thsWique:" 'The first he ppelt " Sonday." The feoond clay " Monday'" — And now a new teacher they Mqr.e. One of the managers of an i ospital a-sked an In»h mirse which he con-idered Ihe , mc-t dangerous of the many cases then in the hospital. "That, bur," saitl Patrick, as ho pointed to a ca.se of surgical instruments lying on the table. — Recently a letter of introduction was handel by an actor to a manager which described t'i<? presenter as an actor of much merit, and concluded: "He plays M'Betb, Richelieu. Hamlet, Shylcck, and billiards He plays billiards best." — Detcctne: "Your mother-in-law, sir, has been kidnapped by a band of br'gands, and they want JQ2OOO redemption money." Henpecked Husband: "Don't come to me for it. If they will keep her I may give give them something as a present." — A party of ladies, on it being reported that a certain Captain Silk had arrived in town, exclaimed, with one exception, "What a name for a soldier!" "The fittest name in the world," rejoined a witty female ; " for silk can never be worsted !" — A musician, brought to despair by the poor playing of a lady in a .room above his own, meets her one day in the hall with her . three-year-old child, and say;?, in a most friendly manner: -"Your little one- plays quite well for her age. I hear her practise every cay." '. — Miss Pretty : " I don't see how you can whistle- -through your fingers that way. I could never do it in the world." Mr Goodheart (wishing to compliment her delicate little hands): "No, Miss Pretty, if you should try Jt your whole hand would slip into your mouth." — "There," f-aid an old crony to another, to whom he was showing the lions of a Scotcli town. " that's the statue of Bailie Watson." "Is it no' a quid bit larger than life size, though?" queried his friend. " Ou. aye, it's a' that, but it's no' a bit bigger than the Bailie thocht ho was himseP." — This pretty btory is told of a distinguished novelist. He and his wife were at a social gathering, where the question was di'cu=sed : "Who would you rather be if not yourself?" His wife asked him for his reply to the question. Ho promptly anewcred: "Your second husband, dear." — ' H'm !" exclaimed Mr Goldie, after reading the morning po3t, " that boy's college education is making him too smart." "What's the mater?" asked Mrs Goldie. " I wrote to him the other day that I thought it would be kinder for me not to remit the? rheque he asked for. Now he writes: "'Dear Father, — I shall never forget your unremitting kindness.' " - "What." Raid the visitor to thf> village of his childhood—" what's become of the one boy I hated— Willie Hawker, the sneak? In pri»on. no doubt— he bore that fate on his face." " Htuh !" said the villager. "He is now Mr Hawker, the famous millionaire." "What?" cried the visitor, "my dear schoolfellow a millionaire ! I must call upon hum and revive the old friendship." — A good btory is told of an elder in a dissenting church who, 'on one occasion, had to lake the pulpit in the absence of the minister at tho last moment. He got through the first part of the service all right, but on jrettina: up to givo the sermon he found his difficulty then. He started with: "Brethren — pause — B-H-Bi'ethren — pa.use — B-B-B-Bret-hren, if any of you wants the conceit taken out of you. come up here." — A young couple had been mairied by a Quaker, and after the ceremony he remarked to the husband : " Friend, thou art at the end of thy troubles." A few weeks tho man came to the good minister boiling over with rage, having found his wife to be a regular vixen, and said : " 1 thought you told me that I was at the end of mv troubles?" "So T did, friend, but I did noc say which end," replied the Quaker — " Kxcu«e me." he said to the applicant for the typewriter's position, " but I would like to know your ape." The young woman looked astonished. " May I ask what that has to do with my fittness for the place?" she inquired. "Nothing," he promptly answered. "You see, it's my wife that wants to know." "In that case," said the applicant, who was pretty as well as, young, "toll her I am forty-seven." And the smile that followed this ingenious statement brought out four delightful dimples. Flohilike!— Fortue Tketh and Breath.— A few drops of Ihe liquid " Floriline " sprinkled on a wet tooth brush produces a pleasant lather, which thoroughly cleanses the teeth from all parasites or impurities, hardens the gums, prevents tartar, stops decay, gives to the teeth a peculiar pearly-whiteness, and a delightful fragrance to the breath. It removes all unpleasant rdour arising from decayed teeth or tobacco smoke. "The Fragrant Floriline," being composed in parts of Honey and sweet herbs, is delicious to the taste, and the greatest toilet discovery of the age. Of all Chemists and Perfumers. Wholesale depot, 33 Farringdon road, London, Euz.lsmcL