FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2471, 24 July 1901, Page 65

FUN AND FANCY.

— " Yes," «iid Mr Smythe, "it was funny enough to make a donkey laugh — I laughed till I cried." — When a young man begins to tell a girl hi« troubles it is a sign she will soon be invited to share them with him. — Friend: "Your two sopranos appear to be very good friends." Manager: "Yes; each thinks the other can't sing." — Chemistry Master: "What happens to gold when it is exposed to the airY" Student (after long reflection) : "It's stolen." — "This potato is only half done, my dear," said h3 crossly. "Then only eat half of it, my love," she replied affectionately. — Liveried Menial: "Me lud, the carriage waits without." His Lordship : "Without what?" "Without horses, me lud ; 'tis an automobile." — Jim: "What are yer larfiu' at. Bill?" Bill : "Why, the ole woman started to jaw that copper what kyme to lock me up, an' I'm blowed if c' ain't run 'er in, and' left me!" — Bobby: "Mother, were all the bad men destroyed by the flood?" Mother-. "Yes, my son." Bobby (who has just received a whipping from his father) : "When is there going to be another flood':" — "Had a nice trip':" "Yes, rather." "Been doing the Continent?" "Well, yes, if you put it that way ; but when I look at my expenses account it rather seems as if the Continent had been doing me." — Magistrate: "You are charged, sir. with trying to commit suicide." Prisoner : "I was driven to it, your honor — driven to it by a woman." Magistrate : "Hum ! Did she refuse you, or marry you?" — Manager: "What do you mean by using such language? Are you the manager here, or am I?" Employee : "I know I'm not the manager." Manager: "Very well, thenj if you're not the manager, why do you talk like an idiot":" — Smith, Jun. : "I attended a chattery the other day." Cncle : "A chattery? What on earth is a cbattery'.'" Smith, Jun. : "Oh, it's what some cail a conversazione ; but I do not believe in using French words when English will answer the purpose." — A country servant was given a ticket by her mistress for a local concert. She ai rived home rather late and was questioned by her mistress on the matter. "I came away before 'twa3 over," she replied, "and they were hurrying it on, 'cause they were singing two at a time when I left." — Mistress (finding visitor in kitchen) : 'VWho is this, Mary':" Mary (confused) : "My brother, mm." Mistress (suspiciously) : "You're not much alike." Mary (stammering apologetically): '"We were, m'rn; but he's just had his beard shaved off, and that makes him look quite different, mm." - __ — Mistress: "Remember, Mary, if you break anything I shall stop it out of your wages."' Servant (impudently triumphant) : "Do it! do it! I've just bioke that 50guinea vase in the drorin' room, and if you can stop that out of a pound— for I'm goin' to leave at the end of the month— you'll be mighty clever." — Some years ago a witty old Welsh nrcacher, making reference to the duties of wives, said: '"There is amonget my congregation a woman who is guilty of disobedience to her husband. To mark her I'll hurl this hymn book at her," at the same time lifting the book. Every woman in the meeting bowed her head. "You say." pursued the chairman ot the investigating committee, "that he resorted to no bribery whatever during the election, so far as you know?" "Yes, , sir," replied the witness, "that's what I said. Did he not circulate several boxes of cigars: Yes, sir, but them cigars wasn't bribes. Here s one of them. You can try it. — "What are you sealing up in that envelope so carefully, Jones V" "Important instructions that I forgot to give my wife before I came to town this morning; 1 air. o-oinc to send it home." "Will your wife open it at once?" "Rather! I have made sure of that." '"How":" "I have addressed it to myself, and put a big- 'private on the corner of the envelope. — Still in Pursuit.— Could you do somethin' fer a pore ole sailor?" asked the wanderer at the gate. "Pore ole sailor? pnWd the lady at work at the tub. - Yes'm I follcred the welter fer twenty years "" Well," said the lady at the tub after a critical look, " you certainly don t look as if you'd ever caught up with it. And then she resumed her labours.