FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2467, 26 June 1901, Page 64

FUN AND FANCY.

—It seems strange, and yet it is quite possible to live next door to a distant relative. . — Before some men cast their bread upon the waters, they want to be sure that the tide is coming toi^rds them. — Merely That.— Friend (at art exhibition): "Is that gentleman an art cntic, too?" Aft Critic: "No, he's only an artist." — Mother: "Johnny, why didn't you tell me that you were naughty at school? Johnny. " 'Tisn't best to tell women everything." — Blobbs: "Don't you admire the man who can say the right thing at the right time?" Dobba: "Yes, particularly when I'm thirsty." — He: "Will you let me kiss you? She: "Rumour Eays that kissing brings disease." He: "Then make me an invalid for life."' — Hard to Please.— " This is a great age ■we Hve in! How wonderful these electric lights are!"— " Oh. I don't know about that; you can't toast bread by them." Usual. — "What did he say when he slipped on that piece of orange peel? "—" — " Well, he did the best he could, but he couldn't think of anything original." — Halfback: "Have you seen DAubers new painting? He calls it 'Friendless.'" Forward: "yes; it T s remarkably realistic. I understand a football umpire posed for him." —As a Result. — Tom : "So your engagement with May is broken off. I thought she doted on you." Dick: "So she did, tut her father proved to be a powerful antidote." — "Yes, she wouldn't speak to the editor when she met him." — " Had he offended her?" — "I should say he had. His society reporter called her one of the last century's buds." — Deeper and Deeper. — She (angrily) : "How dare you. sir!" He (after stealing a kiss) : " But I rouldn't help myself." She: "Don't add falsehood to your crime! You did help yourself!" — He: "You don't mean to tell me yoa are going to marry that old bald-headed professor?" She: "He 13 rather bald; but think how many young men of to-day are bald on the inside of their heads ! " — O'Brien : '' Hello. Mike, an' how's yure fader this mornin'?" O'Connell : "Sure, an' he's not dead yet, but the doehtor says he'll die to-night, for he can't last till mornin 1 . and the docthor knows what he gave him ! " — Limited to One. — Mrs Mulligan : " Poor Pat has had a leg ampitated. 'Twas an explosion." Mrs O'Rourke : "Dear, ciear.' An' is he resigned to his fate?" Mrs Mulligan : " Hrs fate, is it"? Shure, he only ha& one." — Sympathetic Citizen: "Is he fatally wounded, do you think, constable?" Policeman: "Two ay the wounds is fatal, sor. but the third is not, an' if we can lave him rest quiet for a while, I think he wud come round all right." — Jawson : " How did your automobile journey turn out?" Dawson : "Beautifully ! Although I ran o\ er two pedestrians and three bicycles and knocked two waggons into a ditch, my motor was not at all injured, and I arrived iust on time." — Ready for Him. — Patrick was a true son of Erin, always happy, and always ready for his joke. One day a farmer in pa— jinq; him shouted good-huraouredlv*. "Bad luck io you, Patrick!" — "Good luck to you. eh- ! " was Pat's immediate answer; "and may nather of us be right." — " Why can"! you sing out the names of the stations clearly?" said an irate railway passenger to a London porter who had just delivered himself of the regulation string of unintelligible gibberish. "Phew ! " exclaimed that individual, " 'ere's a fell-M-as expects hopera singers for the wages- of a railway porter."' — Cook (to younp; mistro?", who ha* received a present of some game) : "' And please, 'm, do you like the birch 'igb? [[ Mistress (puzzled): "The bird\ eye? ". Cook: "What I mean, mum, is, some prefers the birds stale.' 1 M ; strc c s still more puzzled): "The tail'"' (Decides not to eeem ignorant). " Send up the bird, plca-e. cook, with the eyes and the tail? '" — A teacher of music iv one of the public schools of the south desired to impicti the pupils with the meaning of the Mgns "f" and "if" in a song they were about to sing. After explaining thai "f" meant forte, he taid: "Now, children, if 'f ' lucam forte, what does 'ff' mean?" Silenc? reigned for a moment, and tbev i.c wp-, astonished to bear a bnght little felio-.v •bout, "JEi«bt»l"