FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2456, 10 April 1901, Page 57

FUN AND FANCY.

— "How delightfully your dear daughter plays Wagner." — "I'm afraid you've mado a mistake; that's the servant girl downfall's working tic clothes wringer."

— Little Johiiny, on being asked by his school to; el'er it he knew what was meant by "at par," replied that "Ma was always at pa when he came home late."

— She (slyly) : "How is it— pi— Josef , that you have never thought Eeriously of getting married?" He: "1 have always thought seriously of it — that's why I'm a bachelor."

— "What's the difference," asked a teacher in arithmetic, "between one yard and two yards?" "A wall," was the reply of a member of the class. The teacher was silent.

— A wriier says "the ears should be so placed as not to be higher than the eyebrow or lower than the tin of the nose." People who are dressing for a party should not forget this.

— The scholars in a certain school were asked to write a sentence introducing the word "chaste." Little Johnny wrote: "General De Wet is the most chaste than that ever lived." — Landlord (come for rent): "I hal the pleasure of hearing you sing as 1 came up the stairs, M.idamo Highsi." Priina Donna: "Very well, Mr leaser. I deduct a guinea from my next rent cheque."

— Dumpsey : "Blobson's wife is \ery small, isn't Ehe'f" Popinjay: "Yes; you would hardly believe it, but I have heard it said that she goes through his pocket 3 every night." — Tourist: "I understand that you have relics of the war ior sale, my little man"' ' "We did have," replied the boy, "but they have bought us out, an the swords daddy buried last week won't get rusted 'fore summer." — "Would you take our darling daughter from us?" tearfully asked the mother. "Why— or — 705," replied the startled youth. "Tbat's my idea. I— l really Hadn't contemplated taking the whole family, you know." — Pedantic Old Gentleman (to restaurant waiter) : "I believe it is improper to speak disrespectfully of one's elders?" Restaurant Waiter: "So I've heard, sir." "Then I shall be silent concerning this fowl you have just brought me." — Three different waiters at an hotel asked a prim, precise lutle man at dinner if he would have soup. A little annoyed, he said to the la<*t waiter who asked the question: "Is it compulsory?" "No, sir," said the waiter; "I think it's mock turtle." Mr Suet, the actor, one evening, arrived at the stage entrance of Drury Lane Theatre vc-ry wet, having encountered a heavy storm, ■when a bi other artist, addressing him said, "I am afraid you are very wet, Suet," and he answered, "Call me not Suet. I'm dripping." — '•Ethel," lie whispered, "will you marry me?" "I don't know, Charles," she replied coyly. "Well, when you find out," he said, rising, "eckcl me word, will you? I shall be at Mable Hicks's until 10 o'clock. If I don't hear from you by 10 I am going to as.c her." ]Ylrs Brago : "Tell me, professor, will my daughter ever become a great pianist?" Hcrr Vogleschnitzle : "I gannot dell." "But has she none of the qualifications necessary for a good musician?" "Ach ! Yah, matarn, she has two handis." "<? 0 the doecov won't let you smoke, eh?" said Browne, as he applied a match to his weed. " Srry for you, old man ; I can't imagine any greater pleasure than a, good cigar after dinner." "So?" replied Tonne, sniffing; "then why do you deny yourself that pleasure?" "They say," said young Mr Dolley to young Mr Gurley. "crossing the knees is likely to cawse appendicitis. 1 wondaw if tnat is twuo " "It cause= something worse than appendicitis, doah lray," replied young Mr Gurley." "What?" "It causes twousers to bag at the knees." — A local band was one day playing at Dunfermline, when an old weaver cam© up and asked the bandmaster what that was they were playing: "That is ' The Death of Nelson,'" fblemnly replied the bandmaster. "Ay, man," remarked the weaver, ye hae gien'bim an awfu' death." — Doctor: "Good morning, Mr Lover! What I cau do for you?" Mr Lover: "I —I called, air, to — to ask for .the hand of —of your daughter." "Humph! Appetite good?" "Not very." "How is your pulse?" "Very rapid when — wbeu lam with her— very feeble when away." "Troubled with palpitation" "Awfully, when I think of her." "Take my daughter. soon be cured. One guinea, plca-e." — "Here's another man who got ivway

with some money that didn't belong to him," said the young woman who -was reading the paper. "How much?" inquired Miss Cayenne. "It doesn't state." "That's too bad ! I wanted to determine whether he is simply a thief, a misguided embezzler, or a bold financier."