FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2451, 6 March 1901, Page 57

FUN AND FANCY.

— Algy (to sportsmen) : " Which of you had the most .sport out shooting to-day?" Hunter: "The rabbits."

"Has your daughter already accomplished" something in music?" "Well, I don't want to be too confident, but two tenants have left already."

— Judge: "Do I understand you to> say that the parties used high words?" Witness : "Their voices were unusually high, but their words were extremely low."

— Teacher (suspiciously)-: "Who wrote your composition, Johnny?" Johnny: "My father." Teacher: "What— all of it?" Johnny: "No'm; I helped him." — Jones : "Why don't you consult a doctor a doctor about your insomnia?" Smith: "What! and run up more bills? Why, it's because of what I owe him now that I can't sleep." — ' 'You think you can drive a motor-car. Have you had any experience?" "Certainly I have." "Where? And how?" "Why, I've steered a perambulator safely across London Bridge." — "What," exclaimed the orator, "what two things are helping mankind to get up in the world?" "The alarum-clock and the step-ladder," answered the dense person in the rear of the hall.

— "Marie, I have come to-night to ask you for your hand — I " "You ask for a great deal, Mr Smithers." "On the contrary, it is such a very little one that " "It is yours. George, dear." — "Why, what is the matter with the baby, Edith?" asked a visitor of a little girl who was trying to quiet the crying infant. " I don't know," replied Edith, " but I expects he needs tuning." — Customer (to chemist) : "Give me threepennyworth of oxalic acid." Chemist: "For suicide or mechanical use?" "What difference is that to you?" "If it's for suicide I'd charsre you halt a crown for it."

— Young Mother: "Do you think baby looks most like me or his papa?" Nurse: "Like you, mum. Mr Jenkins is a mighty handsome man." Advertisement: "Wanted, a competent and well-mannered nurse." — A Scotch peasant, boasting of his relationship to the Duke of Argyll, explained the connection in this way: "The Duke's piper's sister's wee laddie had a wee doggie that's am brither to my aunt's wee laddie's dotrgies." — Bloomer (to ragged urchin) : "Your parents left you something when they died, did they not?" Urchin: "Oh, yes, sir." Bloomer: "And what did they leave you, my little man?" Urchin: "An orphan, sir." — His Worship (to prisoner, who has been up every month for years) : "Ebenezer Noakes, aren't you ashamed to be seen here so often?" "Bless yer worship, this place is respectable ter some places where I'm eeen." — "Why did you give that teacher you sent us so good a character? The fellow is uc-ifeotly useless. !" observed the chairman of one Scottish School Board to the chairman of another. "Eh, man," was the reply, ye 11 hae to gie him a far better character before ye get rid o' him !" — "I called to gee your father this afternoon," remarked Charlie, as he took a seat in the parlour. Dora fluttered visibly. ±vecovering herself with an apparent effort, she said, simply: "Did you?" "Yes," replied Charlie. "He has been owing our firm a bttle account for a long time." „ — "You must push matters a little, James, said a chemist to his new boy; "by calling a customer's attention to this article and that article, you often effect a sale." "Yes, sir,' responded the new boy, and then he hastened to wait upon an elderly perso.n who wanted a stamp. "Anything else, mum?" inquired the ambitious boy, politely; "hair dye, cosmetic face powder, rhemuatic drops, belladonna, mole destroyer " The elderly lady deals over th« way now.