FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, 5 December 1900, Page 57

FUN AND FANCY.

' — Assistant in Menagerie : " Sir, it rain 3!" Keeper: " Good heavens ! Don't -waste a minute, but take in that zebra! His colour runs! " • • When his deai Anna said she'd be His bride, he felt dated ; He couldn't help it, for you see • He was then Anna-mated.

• —-Friend 1 : " I suppose the baby is fond of you?" Papa: " Fond 'of me? Why, he sleeps all day when I'm not at home, and stays awake all night just tc enjoy my society !" — Ethel : " Did you buy that second-hand bicycle of a friend?" George: "Well 1 always considered him a friend till he sold me the ' bike.' " — "An abstract noun," the master said, " is the name of something which you can think of, but not touch. Can you give me an example? "-— " A red-hot poker! " was one bright pupil's reply. — Visitor : " I hear that your next-door neighbours have got a new American organ. Do you know how many stops it has? " Host : " About three a day, and those are only for Hieals."

—He (enthusiastically): "I love everything that is grand, beautiful, poetic, and lovely! I love the peerless, the serene, and the perfect in life." She : " How you must love me, darling; why did you not propose before? " — Miss' Million (of uncertain age) : The only thing that worries me is the wedding tour. It will be perfectly horrible to have people know " Miss Rosebud (viciously) : '.' Oh, don't worry. They'll think you're his mother." — Candid Friend : "I think young Rymer, the poet, felt hurt at a remark you made the other night." His Companion : " What did I say?" C. F. : "You said there was onlyone Shakespeare." : — Twynn : "I Hear that the 'weather man has been taken to the hospital." Triplett: i' That is true. The shock was too much for him."— " What shock? "—" One of his forecasts came true." — The Professor : " I have collected all the material for my work on 'The Decline of Superstition.' I shall begin to write the book the day after to-morrow." Wife: " Why not to-morrow?" The Professor: "Um — a—tomorrow is Friday." — Mrs Newlywed (to cook, whom she has just engaged at registry office) : " You see, my husband is so very particular about his food." Cook (sympathetically) : " Thcr' all alike, mem. My old man was just the same. I never cooked nothink to please 'im in my life." — Phrenologist (feeling the bumps) : Now, I can tell at a glance that this man is incessantly engaged in headwork. Now, sir, what' is your profession?" Man: "A hairdresser, sir! " Laughter by the crowd.

— Everybody knows of Mr Balfour's passion for golf, but this little golf story will be new to most readers. Recognising a caddie on the " links" recently by a friendly nod, the caddie turned to his neighbour and 6aid, in Mr Balfour's hearing, " Ye see hoo we Conservatives ken ane anither."

—At a review at Aldershot two foreign princes, nob knowing their way, asked a sentry : "Do you know where the Prince of Wales or the Duke of York is? "— " No, sir," was the reply, " I don't know myself, but I'll ask my mate. He knows all the publichouses about here." - — "If anyone should call this afternoon, Mary, say that I am not well," said a mistress to her newly-engaged servant. " I'm afraid I ate a little too much of that rich pudding for lunch, and it, or something else, has brought on a severe headache. I am. going to lie down." A few moments later the mistress, from her room ' near the head of the stairs, heard Mary say to two aristoeratdo ladies who called for the first time;.

" Yes'm, Mrs Browne is at home, but she ate so much pudding for lunch she had to go to bed."

— He (a little loose in hi* topography) : " Pray, Miss Hilda, did you go over the Pons ABinorum when you wore in Venice? " She: "The Pons Asinorum ! Really, Mr Grigson, I never knew that its locality was understood to be in Venice. If you allude to the Ponto dci. Sosperi, the celebrated Bridge of Sighs, I :ertainly have seen that." He: "Er-er. Yes, ~3>-e3, of course; but I've been studying mathematics till "I'm quite confused."