FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2437, 28 November 1900, Page 57

FUN AND FANCY.

— -Memoirs, says a. - correspondent, are _of three kinds— 'biographies, auto'biographiee, and* ought-not-to-be-ographies.

— ; Mies Tassay : "I "dread to think of my fortieth birthday." Miss Perl: "Why? Did something -unpleasant happen then?"

— . Client (angrily) : "I aay, this bill of yours is a, downright robbery!" "Great Criminal Lawyer (who has won his client's case) : "So was your crime."

— "You condemn us tramps,'" said Weary Willie,, "hut dero's one thing we must git credit ior." "What's that?" "You don't hear of us indulgin in labour disputes." — v "Am I the first man you ever loved?" he inquired fondly. "Well," said the truthful Miss Passee, "you aaroe — or — never mind, dear. Y ou are the first man who ever loved jne."

— Wraggles: "Well, Adam was a lucky -man." - Barker : "In what particular way?" Wraggles: "He didn't have to prance round the garden like an idiot holding. Eve on a 301b bike."

— One Little Girl in the Slum : "Wot dyer say she died of?" The Other Little One^ "Ea-ting ice-cream on the top of "ot puddin'-." First Mentioned : "Lor' ! What a jolly death!" — "Bilkins got married rather suddenly, didn't he?" "Yee. SomeSody gave him a railway pass to Bournemouth for two, and he didn't want to waste it." — Seene — Office. Stranger (entering) : "Is the clerk in?" Manager: "No." Stranger: "Gone for & rest?" Manager (sadly) : "No, gone to avoid arrest." "Mr Orestes Van Ham considers ham.self • the greatest aotor on earth." "is that so?" responded Mr Stormington Barnes 'thoughtfully. - "He's getting strangely modest. He used to consider himself the greatest actor -that ever lived."

— Clergyman : "Well, Johnny, how's father and" mother keeping?" Johnny: "Mither's ii'ae- weel, sir." Clergyman: "What l^ the matter? .Is she laid up?" Johnny: "No, sir, she's laid down." — Young Lady (in music shop) : "Have you 'A heart that beats with love'?" Assistant (brnahingly) : "No, miss ; I should consider it highly imprudent on a, salary of 25s a •week." — Mrs Hoon: "They say that Mrs Swiftemith is greatly troubled with .insomnia." Mr Hoon: "Yes, I understand that she discovered the tact a week, ago that her husband •talks in his sleep, and she hasn't slept a wink since for fear of missing something. — Mother: "Why, children, what's all this noise about?" Little Freddy: "We've had gran'pa and Uncle Henry locked in the cupboard for an hour, an' when they get a little angrier I'm going to play going -into the lion's cage." — Old Quiverful : "And so- you want to take our daughter from us? . You- want '(O take 'her from us suddenly, without a word of warning?" Young Goslow: "Not at all, sir. If there is anything about her you want to warn me against, I'm willing to listen." — Patient: "Poctor, I can't sleep at night. I tumble and toss until morning." Doctor: "H'm, that's bad. Let me see your tongue. ( After diagnosis) : Physically you are all right. Perhaps you worry ovei that bill you've owed me for the last two years!" "Of course, Susan, if you intend to get ■married. that is your own business," said the mistress to the 200k, "but you mustn't forget that marriage is a very serious matter." "Yes, ma'am, I know it is sometimes, remarked the domestic, "but maybe I'll have better luck than you did." — Wife twho has been struck by a bicycle) : "Never mind dear; don't make a scene of it." Husband : "What ! Do you think 1 11 let him go without- saying what 1 think?" Wife: "But I'm not really hurt." Hus■band: "That doesn't matter. A little more «adjie jnight have run into me,"