FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2436, 21 November 1900, Page 57

FUN AND FANCY.

— ■ Squire' (engaging coachman): "Are you married V" Coachman: "No, sir. These 'ere scratches came from a cat." — He: '"What did your father say when you told him you were, engaged?" She: "Oh, you must not ask me to repeat such language." | — Ethel: "You don't want to destroy my : hearing, do you?" Charlie : "Nay, dearest !" ■ Ethel: "Then why, oh, whj', do you wear such loud neckties?" — "And is the air healthy here?" asked » visitor at a mountain resort. "Excellent, sir, excellent. One can become a centenarian here in a little while." — "Oh, Mrs Miggs, what a dreadful black eye! Ido hope you haven't been, fighting?" "Fightin', miss? Me? Sure, 'ow could I be fightin' with me 'usband dead this two years?" . * — Affable Aristocrat: "The fact is, my name is not Gibson. You sse, I'm travelling incog. There's my card." Mr Tuppings: "Glad to hear it. I'm travelling in pickles. Here's mine." — Explained.— A Kind-hearted Old Gentleman: "Your story is indeed a sad one. How did you lose your husband?" Applicant for Relief: "Please, sir, he was killed while testing a life-saving apparatus." —Mr Lurker: "Excuse me, Miss Snapper, but I have long sought this opportunity " Miss Snapper : "Never ~nind the preamble, Mr Lurker. Run along in and ask pa. He's been expecting this would -come for the last two years." v — "'Waiter, bring me a couple of softtoiled eggs." Voice (at next table) : '"The same for me. But, waiter, be sure they are frash." "All right." Waiter's voice in the listaiice: "Four soft-boiled egg 3; two must be fresh." — "And I want it to pay : 'To my Husband, in an appropriate place." said the widow, in conclusion, to Slab, the .gravestone man. "Yessum," paid Slab. And the inscription -went on : "To My Husband. In an appro- j -priate place." j — He: "What proof have I that yon really J love me?" She : "Proof ! Did I not dance -with you at the charity ball?" He: "Yes, but I don't consider that any proof of affec- j tion." She: "You would if you knew how j badly you dance." — Clerk : "Mr Hardman, will you give me , leave of absence this afternoon to attend the funeral of a dead aunt?" Merchant: "Certainly, Mr Quidaweek. If you haven't a good hook and line of your own, stop at the house and get mine." — Young Mac (whispering io jeweller): "That engagement ring I bought of you yesterday." Jeweller : "What's the matter with it? Didn't it fit?" Young Man (cautiously) : "Sh' ! It didn't have a chance. Exchange some collai studs for it?" — His Worship-!- "You say you are not a vagrant?" Prisoner : "No, your worship." His Worship : "Did any motive bring you to this city?" Prisoner: "Yes, your worship." His Worship: "What?" Prisoner: "Locomotive." "His Worship: "Ten days." — Oil Both Sides. — "Do you believe in heredity, . Mrs Simpson?" " Indeed Ido ; every mean trait my son Bob has I can trace , right back to his father." "Does his father,) believe in the principles of heredity too?" •"Yes he traces Bob's faults all back to me." Mrs Newly wed : p "That is our new burglar alarm. You see, if a burglar should get onto the lower part of the house thai would ring." Her Mother: "Oh! and scare him off?" Mrs Newlywed (doubtfully): "Well, it might; but it would give Clarence and me plenty of time to hide in the attic, anyway." "They ought fco change the name of thai club of yours," said Mr Bibble's wife at the breakfast table. "In what way?" "They ought to call it the 'Klondyke.' I— l must say that I" don't see why.' Tor the j reason that when a man starts oul to go there. filiere's no telling waea he'll get home again.