FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2433, 31 October 1900, Page 56

FUN AND FANCY.

-—Mr S ' "An heirloom, Johnny, is something that's handed down from father to ron:" Little Johnny: "Huh! That's a funny name for old clothes." — Miss Bilkins: "It seems to me that all tr-e nicest men are married." Mrs .Wrikms: '"Well, dear, they weren't always s?o moo, you know; they've only been caught early and tamed."

— "How I pity the poor fellows whose business requires them to oe out on a night like this!" said ths policeman, lootong out from the kitchen window. — Helping Him Out.— "l'd give five years of my life to get out of this scrape, said 'the prisoner at the bar. ' 'I'll let you out with tlu-ee," said the judge, as he passed sentence. — "Georgie," said his mother, "l shall not whip you this time if after this you promise •to be a good little boy like Willie Jones, j "Mamma, ' said Gcorgie, earnestly, whip me, '■please." . , I — Lady (with large conversational apei- ' ture): "Can't you make the mouth a little j smaller?" Photographer: "Great goodness!' Do you want a picture without any mouth at all? I've pared it down 3in already. — "I've come to tell you, sir, that the photographs you took of us the other day j are not at all satisfactory. Why, m-- husband I •looks like an ape! "'Well, madam, you : should have thought of that before you had him taken." — After the Fancy Ball— Mrs Wederly (unmasking) :""Oh, but didn't I fool you, though ! -You had no idea that you were flirting with "your wife all the evening." Mr Wederly: •'No, I hadn't. "You were so very agreeable\ I was completely deceived." — Little- Birdie (nestling up to him) : Tell me how rich you axe, will you?" Mr Dashing (goocl-humouTedly) : "I hardly know myself. •Why do you ask?" Little Birdie: 'Well, eister said she'd give a sovereign to know, and I thought I might get it." — A gentleman leading the railway station .the other day was met by the usual "Cab, sir?" ."No, thanks," replied the gentleman, ,"I am able to walk." "May your honour be .-always able to walk, but seldom willing," •Was the cabby's quick repartee. j — Caller at the Uural Post Office : "What makes our letters so lato this morning, Mrs [Gcodycr?" "Rural Postmistress : "Well, you 'see, sir, it's they plaguey postcards. They 'takes a long time to read for a poor woman i, what ain't much of a scholard." l> — Regular Customer (to waitev) : "As, an old customer, I generally have two slices t>f beef, and to-day you have brought me only uone." Waiter (with a look of surprise) : P'By the powers, but you're right ! The cook ,\nust have forgotten to cut it in two." ' — "Poor fellow," said the sad-fnoed man. u 'He was cut off in his prime." I warned him Pong ago." "What was the trouble?" 'Brain [fatigue, resulting from his haste for richep. lti'3 lost sleep thinking about schemes to advertise his preparation for prolonging life." , !' — Aunt Susan: "Did the btory you were Uust readin' in the newspaper end happily, Wqshua?" Uncle Joshua mpnroyingly) : j/'Goah! Ye 3; the beautiful heroine got •'cured of an incurable disease, an' it tells ./ihe name and price of the pills that done \^he trick." [ ■— Old Gentleman : "Do you mean to say i"*Lat your teachers never thrash you?" Little |jBoy: "Never! We have moral suasion at i.£ur school." "Old Gentleman: "What's Boy:. "Oh, we get kep' in, and stood t Jap ir? corners, and locked out, and locked \sn, and made ( to write one word a thousand i^imesj and scowled at and jawed at, and that's I' — *'Will I love you for ever?" echoed the fpouth, in passionate accents. "Maud M'Ginwsis, I swear by this fair head — — " She raised ! Jfc from his shoulder. Slowly and with VRuperb graoa she rose and confronted him. Higgins," she said, in tones Ihafc j Voze his heart, "whose was the last head '

that rested here?" He had forgotten that Miss M'Ginniu was. a brunette.

— A Highlander was one day brought before his chief, being accused of sheep-stealing. The crime being iully proved, Donald was sentenced to bo hanged. In those days a criminal was allowed to choose the tree on which ho was to be hung. Donald was therefore asked to name the tree of his choice. "Oich, oieh !" he said,, "she would like to bo hung on a grossart (gooseberry) bush." "Bill a grossart bush is not half large enough for that," was the reply. "Oh, oich," answered Donald, "but she's in nae hurry; she'li just wait tilt grows."