FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2413, 7 June 1900, Page 52

FUN AND FANCY.

" Old Yacob Silberheimer really lost all his money, didn't he?" "Yes; his bankruptcy was a failure." — Visitor (to master of the house) : "What, you have no children?" "None; our cook will not put up with them."

— Getting into debt is like going to bathe — it is cold and unpleasant whenyou are only up to your ankles, but when you are fairly out of ■* your depth you find you can float comfortably.

—By Another Name. — " Mrs Letterby has the appearance of a woman whose nerves are badly out of order." " They are, but she doesn't call it that." "What does she call it r then?" " Genius." - — She: '" What is the correct translation of .the motto' of that lovely' ring you gave me?" He: "Faithful to the last." She: "The last! How horrid. And you've always told me before that I was the very first."

—A- breach of promise case was being lieard, -arid' counsel for complainant said defendant was '" something on the railway — he could not say what." " Evidently the shunting department," said the judge, and there was "loud laughter."

— Remembered. — Teacher : " Try to remember this: Milton, the poet, was blind. Do you think you can remember it?" Bobby Smart: "Yes, ma'am." Teacher: "Now, .what was Milton's great misfortune?" Bobby Smart : " He was a poet." — Reviewer (proxidly) : "I get through from twenty-five to thirty books every week of my life." Outsider (wonderstruck) : "My goodness! How do you manage it? '"Why, it takes me two days to read a single book." Reviewer (sternly) ; "I do not read them, sir, I review them."

— Magistrate (to prisoner) :" "What are you?" Prisoner:" A dock laabourer, your washup." Constable (indignantly) : " Why, 'he's scarcely out of prison, your worship." Prisoner : " Well' I'm always being sentenced ter 'ard labour in the dock, so if I ain't a dock labourer, wot am I?"

—An honest young man, who had escaped a great peril by an act of heroism, was much complimented for his bravery. One lady said: "I wish I could have seen your feat." 'Whereupon he blushed and stammered, and finally pointing to his pedal extremities, eaid:_ " Well, there they be, mum." — "Have you any gas burners?" asked the customer. "Just out, of the old kind," responded the oil merchant; "'-but there is a particular kind you can have f or nothing." "'I would like to see it." "Well, come to my house about 10 jto-night. You can see this gas-burner making love to my daughter." — "Did' you ever have any trouble in getting rid of that job lot of revolvers you bought from me last spring?" asked the ■Birmingham merchant of a retailer in Manchester. "As soon as T got home I hired two tramps to attempt burglary at five or six houses, and in a week every one had been sold." - —No Help There.— " Sir," began young Timkins, as he entered the presence of the clear girls father, " I want to marry your daughter " " Oh, don't bother me with your troubles." interrupted the old gentleman. " She told me some time ago that she intended to marry you, so you'll have to settle it between yourselves."

— 'Billionaire's Daughter: "You wrong liirn, papa. He does not love me for my money. He scoffs at the world's sordid eagerness for wealth, Papa :" What proof have you, child?" Billionaire's Daughter : " Only last night he told me be didn't care if he was never able to make a penny in his life if he only had me."

—At a coimtry fete a conjurer was performing the old trick of producing eggs from .ft hat, when he remarked to a little boy: " Your mother can't get* eggs without hens, can she?" "Of course she can!" replied •the lad. Why, how is that?" asked <he con•jurer. "She keeps ducks?" replied the boy, amidst roars of laughter.

—An illustration of agricultural success tinder 'disadvantages is related by an English paper, which says that an intelligent Irish farmer has discovered that by planting onions Ctnd ' potatoes in the same field in alternate ■rows, the onions become so strong that they foring tears to the eyes of the potatoes in such volume that the roots are kept moist, and /a, big crop is raised in spite of the drought. — The' father of a family, becoming an•noyed at the fault-finding of his children over tyieir food, exclaimed in a rage one day at dinner; "You children are intolerable; you Ourn up your noses at everything. When I 'ivas a boy I was often glad enough to get dry Vead to eat." "Poor papa!" said Ethel, the pet of the family, " I'm so glad you are ■having such nice times now, living with vmamma and uSf"-

AFiER THE BATTLE. Night hath fallen, mist and darkness Shroud the field of glory now — Shroud the stony dead — the dyingWrithing lip and clammy brow. Night hath fallen, but the darkness (Janiiot hide one form of woe — Death, among the knots of wounded, Stalking tireless to and fro! Not a star looks down to cheer them; E'en the moon, sweet orb of giace, Sicken'd with .the breath of slaughter, Hides her mild, benignant face. Slowly, as the night grows murker, Well- the life-drops trom - each heart ; Groaning, grasping, fiercely struggling, Souls and bodies rive apart. Face turn'd skyward, lies a, hero, Old- and grey, and. worn with toil— E'en in death his lugged features . Lighten with a manly smile. Some bright dream had he in dyingOf his yine-clad cot^afar, Comely wife, and blooming daughter, Radiant as the morning star. By his vacant bed are kneeling Wife and daughter, sad and lone; All their prayers are unavailing To recall a spirit flown. Here a youth, shot-rent, and stiffened, Backward grasps the bloody sod, To the frowning sky uplifting Eyes that seem to look for Cod! "Farewell!" sobbed a blue-eyed maiden, Just a little week before, Sobb'd upon his breast, and kiss'd him, She shall never kiss him" more! Here a face, rough-hewn and bearded, Softens in the sleep of death, Comrades say he whispered. "Mother l" With his last expiring breath. Who shall tell thee, widowed mother, That thou hast no more a son? Sadder than all shrieks of battle Will be thy despairing groan ! — H. J. B. May, 1900.