FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2408, 26 April 1900, Page 53

FUN AND FANCY.

— Some men seek foreign shores for a rest, and some to avoid arrest.

— The meaning of Dr depends altogether on whether it is placed before or after a man's name.

— Hairdresser: "What shade will madam have ze hair. dy^d'zis time?"' Mrs Taddles (in a whisper) : "Keep it dark." — Handicapped. — "Is your son doing well at college?"' "No; he got a sprained ankle at football, and has to confine himself to study." — "Yus, my dear, my ole man's got work at last." "Well, mum, lam glad to 'ear that. "Where's he got it?" "The Scrubbs ! Eighteen months' hard !"

— Reginald: "There is one word in the English language that is always spelled wrong." Reginald's Chum : "What is that?" Reginald : " ' Wrong.' " — A lecturer before a large audience at an ■impressive moment, exclaimed : "All along the untrodden paths of the future we can see the footprints of an unseen hand." - — Employer: "Were there many people at ■your grandmother's funeral yesterday?" Clerk (absent-mindedly) : "Yes, indeed. Every 'seat in the grandstand was occupied."

- — Old Gentleman (to ten-year-old boy _ at the prize distribution) : "I hope you will im- , prove in wisdom, knowledge, and virtue." -Boy (politely) : "The same to you, sir." — "So you like my play, Miss Wilbur?" said Penright, with a self-satisfied smirk. "Very much," replied the young woman. ~"The waits between the acts areso long and restful." • — "Jackson !" "Yes, sir." "You are getting careless. " You don't brush my clothes now." "I assure you " "I left a halfcrown piece in my waistcoat pocket yesterday, and it's there still."

— "John," remarked Mrs Mitchell, as she tucked herself under the clothes, "the newspapers said that if you hold your breath you can get to sleep." "Maria, you hold yours, and lets see how that works."

— Mother : "Now. Daisy, can you tell me the name of the insignificant little worm by whose industry I am enabled to wear this silken robe?" Daisy: "I know! The insignificant little worm is pp^pa !" — He : "And did you see Monte Carlo while you were at Nice?" She: "No; papa called on him, I believe, but from his disappointed appearance when he returned to the hotel, I think Mr Carlo must have been out."

— A man wanted to know how many teeth his horse had, so opened its mouth and put his hand in to count. The horse wanted to know how many fingers the man had, so shut its mouth suddenly — and both were satisfied. „ — "How is the contested will case coming -oft, Mr Dower?" "It's all settled, and in my favour." "I congratulate you. I suppose you'll now buy that housjs you were talk--ing about?" "No, but my lawyer is going to buy it." — Visitor: "Is your father at home?" Lit.tle Daughter: "What is your name, please?" Visitor : "Just' tell him it is his old friend .Bill." Little Daughter: "Then he isn't in. .1 heard him tell mamma if any bills came he wasn't at home."

— Pedlar: "I have a most valuable book to sell, madam ; it tells one how to do anything." -Lady (sarcastically) : "Does it tell one how to get - rid of a pestering pedlar?" Pedlar (promptly) : "Oh, yes, madam : buy some- , thing from him." — She: "Henry, - dearest, I have at last -discovered that I love you!" He: "Ah. you have heard then that my uncle has died and left me £5000?" She: "After that remark we must part for ever." (Aside : "I heard it was £50,000.")

—De Vane (who is always boasting of his visits at great houses) : "Most extraordinary ! I dined at the Duke of 's house last night, and there was no fish for dinner." Bored Old Gent (in the corner seat): "No; they had eaten it all upstairs, I expect." 1 — Mother : "Is your letter to your husband ready to post?" Married Daughter: "It's all done excepting the postscript telling him to send me some more money. I'm looking for another sheet of paper." "Write it across the lines." "No, indeed. He'll pretend he couldn't read it." ■ — Managing Editor: "What was it that excited-looking fellow wanted?" Office Boy: "He says that he wrote a sonnet entitled • 'Dolly's Dimples,' and it got into the paper headed ' Dolly's Pimples,' and that he wants it explained, as it got him into trouble with eo'mething he called his feearisay." — An Englishman and an Irishman met one day, and the former, to have some fun with Pat, asked him if he were good at measurements. "I am that," said Pat. "Then could you tell me how many shirts I could get out, ■of a yard?", asked the Englishman. "Well," said Pat, "that depends on whose yard you

— Great Architect : "Good morning, Mr Suburb. Thinking of building another lioupj?" Mr Suburb: "No; I called to inquire if you would take my son into your office. VYilh the right training he'll be a fine architect some day." "Has he shown any talsnt for architecture?" '"Talent! He's overflowing with architectural talent. I wish you could see the hen-coop he put up for me last week." "'.Humph ! What is there remarkable about it?" "He designed it for a 30s hen-coop, and it's cost mo £3 10s."