FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2372, 17 August 1899, Page 48

FUN AND FANCY.

• — A man wlio has never had the toothache does nob know the real pleasure there is in not having it. — " George, are you doing anything for that dreadful cough?" "'Yes." "What are you doing?" "Coughing." j — " Paw, who was the most patient man?" was little Tommy's eighteenth question. " Job used to be," said Mr Figg. — A man of short stature gave as a reason for his stunted growth that he was brought up as a child on condensed milk. ' — A Timely Warning. — Mamma (authoritatively) : "Maud and Clara, leave the yoom ! Your father has mislaid his glasses !" 1 — "I. could not help being struck by the likeness," remarked the unfortunate man, [•when one of his family portraits fell on 9iim. 1 — A French lady once said to her hu.sjband, who was much given to gesticulation, " Don't talk so much dear, you'll tire ; your anna." I — Mother (to little Freda, who has been taken to the dentist's to have a tooth jpulled) : " Freda, if you cry, I'll nfcver take you to a dentist's again." — She: "What did pa say?' He: "1 asked his consent to our marriage by telephone, and he replied, ' I don't know who you are, but it's all right.' " —No woman is so bad at mathematics .that she can't tell in half a minute how much her husband would save in the course of a year if he gave jp smoking. ! — Aunt: "How peacefully still and solemn it always is on Sunday." Little , ■Nephew : " Yes, auntie. That's because so ! m:>ny children's papas is at home." j { —"I am quite surprised, Mr Meeker, at Your wife's knowledge of Parliamentary law." "She? Great Caesar! Hasn't she foeen speaker of the house for the last 15 j years?" — Uneasy Passenger (on an ocean steam- j ship): "Doesn't the vessel tip" frightfully? " j Dignified Steward : " The vessel, mum," is _trying to set a good example to the pas- \ sengers." ! — ' What is the first thing you' would do, \ jGibbs, if you were stung by a wagp?"*a.«4ce<J \ Bibbs, who had been reading an article on the treatment of stings. " Howl," replied ; Gibbs, solemnly. j — ■ Magistrate : " What, you here again, j Slatterly? This must be the twentieth time ' you've, been up before me." Slatterly: I " Well, yer Worship, 'tis no fault of mine I ithat you don't get promotion." ! — ' Come here, you reptile ! " shouted the ! first-born to his baby sister. " You wicked j fcoy!" exclaimed the mother. "Nutlrn'' wicked about it, mamma. Master says that leptiles is animals what creeps." \ — Magistrate: "Do you mean to say sucb a physical wreck as lie ,is gave you that black eye?" Complaining Wife: " Shure, your Worship, he wasn't a physical .wreck till he gave me th' black "eye." — Doctor (to patient): "My dear madam, I am truly glad to see you alive ! You know at my last visit I * gave you ibut six hours to live." Patient : "Vis, docthur ; but Oi didn't take the dose you lift me." — " You wouldn't think to look at that little man across the street that he was especially brave, would you?" — "No. (What has he ever done that was so brave? *' "Married a widow whose first husband committed suicide." I have never been a-whaling where the foaming billows sweep, U have never cut the blubber from the mon3ter of the deep ; ,!But I've tender recollections of those days in boyhood's spring, When father did the whaling and I the blubber- - ing- j — " I noticed this morning, Jane, that •he milkmaji kissed you. I want you to understand that hereafter I shall go to the door myseJf when he comes ! "—"" — " Oh, don't trouble yourself, ma'am ! He promised me solemnly that he'd never kiss anybody but ; me' " — A clergyman says : " I once married a handsome young couple, and as I took the bride by the hand* at the close of the ceremony and gave her my warmest con- , gratia" at ions, she tossed her pretty head, and, pointing to the bridegroom, replied : ~'i jflink he's the one to be congratulated.'

; THE KILKENNY CATS: A PAfIODY. ! There once were two cats of Kilkenny, i Each thought there was one cat too many, So they quarrelled and spit, and they scratched i and they bit, Till, excepting their nails and the tips of their i tails, Instead of two ca.ts there weren't any. t— One of Dr W. G. Grace's servants had a holiday some time back, and went to Madame Tussaud's. "1 suppose you saw me there? " said the Doctor, on her re- , turn. " Oh, no, sir," was the reply ; " you see, it cofets sixpence extra to go into the Chamber of Horrors ! " The 'explanation , was evidently given in perfect innocence ; and the famous cricketer is very fond of ' telling the yarn against himself. — " Now, boys, I have a few questions in fractions to ask," said the teacher. "Suppose I have a piece of beefsteak and out it into 16 pieces, what would hose pieces be called?" "Sixteenths," answered one boy, after meditating a moment. '' Wry gcrd. And when the sixteenths were cut 'in 1 a'f, : what would they be? " There was silence j in the class; but presently a little boy at the foot put up his hand. "Do you know, 'Johnny?" "Hash!" answered Johnny, confidently.