FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2370, 3 August 1899, Page 49

FUN AND FANCY.

— Talent knows what to do ; tact knows ■what not to do. — When Poverty comes in at the door, Love should go out and hunt for a job. — Smith : "If he owes you, why don't you sue him?" Jones: "He isn't worth a sou." — "I never like to attract attention," she said. " You never will," answered her deaiest friend. • ] — Stranger: " Can you tell me where the j dentist lives? " Native : " Second street to \ the right, and you will hear." I — "My grandparents married in haste." j • — "And did- they repent at leisure?" — "Oh, yes; both lived to be over 90." I — Little Ethel : " What does your papa j like for breakfast? " Little Mabel : •' He | always likes anything he hasn't got." j * — Some men are so busy blowing their \ own horns' that they can't hear the factory j whistle coaxiqg them to come to work. j —He (cautiously) : "If I should propose, ] ■would you say 'Yes'?" She (still more cautiously) : "If you wers sure that I should say 'Yes,' would you propose?" — A man seldom realises how robust and healthy he is until called upon to write out an application for a life assurance policy. — Not All Talk.— The Benedict : "Do you believe married people always quarrel?" The Bachelor: "No, sometimes they fight." — Translated. — First Actor: "I moved the audience to tears in my death scene." Second Actor: "Yes; they knew that you weren't really dead." — Fond Mother : "My daughter's voice has been a great expense to me." Visitor (who has been listening to it for an hour) : "And can you do nothing for it?" — Aunt Mary : " Poor Budge ! , Does your tooth ache still? If 'twere mine, dear, I'd have it out at once." Budge: "If 'twere yours? Well, auntie, so would I." "Three ia a crowd," and they were three— The parlour lamp, the maid, and ho; Bivt '' two is company " — no doubt That's why the knowing lamp went out. — Mamma (sternly) : " Don't you know that the great King Solomon said. 'Spare tha rod and spoil the child ' ? " Bobby : " Yes ; but he didn't say that until ho was growed up." — " Halloa, old man, had any luck shooting ?."— " I should say.l did. Shot 17 ducks in -one day." — "Were they wild?" — "Well, no— not exactly; but the farmer .who owned them was." - "'." '. • > i — Day : " I have a device to increase the speed of tramcars." Weeks : " That won't bring you a fortune. Get up a scheme to increase the" speed of the people who have to chase them." — Mr Sealove (at his seaside cottage) : "Jtly dear, please tell our daughter to sing something less doleful." Mrs Sealove : " That is not our daughter, my love. That is .the foghorn." — ■ No Chance for an Argument. — Book Agent: "Is the lady of the house in?" Cook : " We're all ladies here, yez moonkeyfaced divil! If yez mane- th' mishtress, say so ! " — Puck. — Affected. — "Did .that scathing personal denunciation of your colleague produce any visible effect on him?" "Yes," answered the legislator, ruefully. "He went to sleep while I was delivering it." — Little Nell : " What does the organist at our church- have a lookin'-glass fixed over his head on the organ for? " Little Dick : "I 'speck that's so he can tell the choir ;wien the clergyman is lookin'." — Lucy: "So you called on papa this afternoon, did you.' And did he strike you as being inclined to favour our marriage?" Tom : " No ; he tried to strike me with a paperweight, but I dodged it." — Pertinent. — Newlywed (complacently) : '* Oh ! of course, all women have sharp tongues; 'every rose has its thorn,' you know! " Oletimer (dryly) :*" And have you noticed, yet, how a rose will fade but a thorn won't? n k WJi«n lights are low I sadly muse, Around me breathes tho night wind's sigh. 'And yet — and yet — my thoughts refusa — to live within a day gone by. Jhough. thronging memories near mo flit, . J. wave them back to lodgings damp;, ~infl .merely wonder w I -sit. „,. TS? How 1 *&> forgot ifi fUTibfii Iflffltt-P,'*

—As to Woman. — Little Clarence (a i youthful Solomon) : " Papa, nobody can j never tell what a woman will do next, can ( they? " Father : " No, my son ; and if you J could tell, it would not be advisable for you , to do so, for if you did, she would be sure : to do something else." ; — Lingering. — Apropos of the intolerable , slowness of the cabs in Berlin, it is f that, a child having been run over by one | of them and killed, Mark Twain, who was J living in that city at the time, exclaimed on | hearing of the accident ; " What a lingering \ death ! " | — A Gentle Hint. — " I wish to announce \ before the collection is taken up," said the \ parson, " that I have wholly recovered from j the severe cold with which I was afflicted j a week ago. Consequently it will not be j necessary for anyone to put cough lozenges I in the contribution box." I — Doubtful. — " Your honor," said the barrister, " this man's insanity takes the form of a belief that everyone wants to rob him. He won't even allow me, his counsel, to approach him." "Maybe he's not so ' crazy after all," murmured the court in a judicial whisper.