FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2363, 8 June 1899, Page 48

FUN AND FANCY.

What appear to be calamities are often the sources of fortune.

It is pretty hard not to have a kindly feeling for anybody that asks our advice.

Safest. — " How do you pronounce metempsychosis?" "I never use the word." Satire is the art of stepping on a man's toes without spoiling the polish on his boots.

Degrees.— Goodly : "What is grander than a man you can trust?" Cynicus: " One who will trust you." Miss Summit: "Can you tell me the time by your watch, Mr Hardup? " j Hardup (sadly): "Not before next week." By Two. — "He says that his life was ruined by two women." " How is that? " " One did not marry him, one did." Old Gentleman (watching crowd round omnibus) : , " What a bustle ! " Stout Old Lady : • " !OM your' tongue, imperence ! " Foote expressed the oelief that a certain miser would take the beam out of his own eye if he knew he could sell the timber. As You Like It.— The Poet (insinuatingly) : " Don't you think we would make a good couplet?" She (coyly); "I'm not averse." Quite a few of those Who would rather be right than be famous are nevertheless ready to stifle their own preferences for the public good. Tommy: "Mamma, why have you got papa's hair in a locket? ' His mother: "To remind me that he once had some, Tommy." "The way to sleep," says the scientist, "Is to think of nothing." But this is a mistake. The way to sleep is to think it is time to get up. Magistrate : " The constable says that you ire a terror to the neighbourhood." Prisoner (highly gratified): "I thanks the copper for 'is compliment." An Irish tenant lately observed that it was a " hard thing for a man to be turned out of the house which his father built and his grandfather was born in ! " Claude: "They say tliat Miss Justine is going into a convent for life." Jack : "Yes, she has promised to be a sister to so many of us, that she is going to adopt it as a profession." Son: "But why shouldn't I marry her? ) Father : " You are too young, and don't know your own mind. If your mother and I had married our fiist loves, where do you think you would be? "

■Mistress : " Jane, I've mislaid the key of my escritoire. I wish you'd fetch me that box of odd keys. I daresay I can find one to open it." Jane : " It's no use, ma'am. There isn't a key in the 'ouse as'll fit that desk ! "

Next Trouble. — Harris: "Walters has been looking very sad since his daughter got married, hasn't he?" Correll : "Yes; you see, he had no sooner got his daughter off his hands than he found he would have to put her husband on his feet." Too Much So. — "I married for money," said the gloomy man. ' Wasn't there a woman attached to it? " asked the cynic. "Of course there was," with increased gloom ; "so much attached to it that she has never parted with a penny." "Halloa, Jim! What's the matter?" Jim : " Only refereeing at football a bit. I gave a ' free kick ' against one team Avhich lost them the match, and after th' game they said I didn't know what a free kick van, and they'd show me. They did ! " The man wKb's always punctual Must soon learn how to wait, Because the man whom he's to meet Is usually late. It pays, though, to be punctual, For then you can look grim And tell your friend how much you are Superior to him.

Ethel : " When does your breach of promise suit take place, Clara? " Clara (sobbing): "T-to-morrow." Ethel (sympathisingly); "I am very sorry to see you so overcome, Clara, dear." Clara : " Oh, it's nothing Ethel; I am simply practising for the jury " "Tell me honestly," said the novel reader to the novel writer, "did you ever see a woman who stood and tapped the floor impatiently with her toe for several moments, jis you describe? " " Yes," was the thoughtful reply; "I did once." "Who was she?' ••'She'? a do«-dftncar."-

Amended.— •' And can you always judge of a man's character by the way he laughs'/" asked Miss Westend. " Oh, no ! not by the way he laughs, but by what he laughs at," said the social philosopher. Call a girl a chick, and she smiles : call a woman a hen, and she howls. Call a young woman a witch, and she is pleased ; call an old woman a witch, and she is indignant. Call a girl a kitten, and she rather likes it ; call a woman a cat and she'll hate you. Queer sex, isn't it? He Did. — "Would," he passionately exclaimed, "that I might vent\ixe to kiss away the tears that cling like drops of dew to ' those silken lashes ! " She sighed. " Dew ! " she repeated, absently ; for- her thoughts were far away. He did. For it is like unto a man to misunderstand a person whenever he finds it convenient.