EDITOR'S WALLET.

Otago Witness, Issue 2360, 18 May 1899, Page 61

EDITOR'S WALLET.

"Now that America has acquired her vast possessions in the Antipodes, Johnny, I think " " Father, I'm astonished ! America's Antipodes .are somewhere among the fishes southwest of Australia, which is a far cry from the Philippines." v "Well, I was just going to say that this hemp they grow in Manila " "It isn't hemp at all, fathet ; it travels under false pretences. Manila hemp is a variety of the banana family." "Dear me, is that so? It's good cordage, all the same. Why, when I was out in the Sandwich Islands, I " " Father, you're enough to make Liluokalani shudder. No educated perron says Sandwich Islands now, unless to make himself understood by those who don't know that ' the Hawaiian Islands ' is the official and accepted name Besides " "Well, I suppose you'll be asking me next to say ' Puerto Rico ' just because the Spaniards do." v '■ " Not at all. Porto Rico has been good 'English ue.tge for several centuries. It's all right." •" Glad you've passed on that question. But if wo go into Manila hemp growing in a territory 6700. miles from, our former limits wo " " You mean 4500 miles. You certainly ha?cu't forgotten that the United States has long extended to the end of the Aleutian Chain, and Attu is only about 4500 miles from Manila," "You're very kind. But speaking of Manila hemp, they say that in Borneo, the largest island in the world " "It was when you studied geography, father, but they've -learned since that New Guinea is larger than Borneo, and Greenland is larger than New Guinea." " Great world this. Well, I was talking ■with Brown about introducing Manila hemp into tropical America, and he said that on his plantation in San Salvador" • "Why, there are no plantations in. the city of San Salvador. It you mean the country of which San Salvador is the capital you should say Salvador." " Young man, your hat is getting too small for you. If you don't stop making my head ache with your erudition I shall send you direct to "Vladivostock."

" You.don't mean direct. I should have to trans-ship at Yokohama or Shanghai. I think "

" Give us a rest, please, my son. I want to read the paper."

The Rev. Mr Blank.

A Yorkshire clergyman was in Leeds on one of the recent cold mornings, and, desiring to call upon a parishioner, whose house is some miles off, he stepped into the office of another parishioner, with the intention of calling up tho other man by telephone, and finding out how long he would be in his office, the pastor not relishing the idea of the long walk in the piercing cold. But the second parishioner was not in. His office boy had the big room all tc himself.

"My lad," eaicl the pastor, "I wish you would call up Mr Dash, and ask how long he will be in his office, and if he isn't there find out when he will be in. My fingers are so cold I don't think I could hold the receiver." "Yes, sii," said the polite boy. "Who shall I say wants to know?"

"Rev. Mr Blank," replied the pastor, as he drew up a chair beside the gas stove.

Pretty 6oon he heard l.Ue boy say : "Is this levennoughtsteennought?"

Thero was a brief silence. Then the boy went on:

" Yes, yes, I've got 'cm — Hullo ! Is the governor in? What's that? — Who's this talking? Why it's the Rev. Mr Blank. No, Blank— Blank, Blank, Blank— What's the matter with you, Lizzie? This is the Rev. Mifter Blank ! Got it? Don't get funny, girlie. What do I want to know? I asked you that half an hour ago. Is the old man in? Who is it talking? 'Well, I'll be jiggered ! Now, take the wool out of your ears, Mabel, an' dc a little listenin'. This is the Rev. Mister Blank ! Oh, you've got it now, have you, birdie? Sc kind of you — yes, yes, I'll forgive you this once. Now, agitate your Cinderellas into the old man's office an' see if he's there. Yes, tell him the Rev. Mister Blank is at the 'phone an' wants to know if he's out. Don't be idlin' round when there's souls to save. Look sharp, if you aren't." At this point the pastor got so fidgety. " Stop a minute, my boy," he beseechingly cried. But the boy waved him a°ide. "I'm getting him," he said.

Then he turned back to the 'phone. "Who's this?" he cried. "Who? Mr Bunner? I don't want you — yes, this is the Rev. Mister Blank. Blank, Blank. Who's swearing? Don't get fresh, Bunny. Yes, Rev. Mister Blank. Yes, reverened. Preacher, you know; be good — go to church — Friday evenin' prayer meetin's. Got it? Yes, this is him. Is old Dash in? There, don't get gay. What's that? Won't be back for three months? Well, that's all. Yes, it's quite enough. Funny Bunny. Byby-" And the boy slammed the receiver into its hooks. Then he turned to the perspiring clergyman and deferentially remarked, " Mr Dash has just stepped out, sir, an' won't be back for three months."

Aftei this the worthy pastor will endeavour, whenever possible, to do his own telephoning.

When Bad Manners are a Virtue.

It is difficult to imagine the Prince of Wales seizing a chicken leg in his hands and gnawing the meat from the bone. But he did.

The occasion was a great dinner given in honour of the late Shah of Persia. His Majesty of Persia began the game by seizing meat from the dish, and, disdaining the knife and fork, used his hands instead. The Prince of Wales did the same rather than let his Imperial guest feel uncomfortable. Once on the Indian frontier a trooper behaved with such magnificent valour in battle that he was given a commission. He could not be an officer in a regiment in which he had served in the ranks; but before he was transferred U another corps the officers entertained him at a mess dinner. He pat in the place of honour next to his colonel, very uncomfortable, and in a terrible fright.

Plates of ice were served so that each man might cool his wine, but when the soup was placed before him the trooper, thinking ho

evil, put a chunk of ice into his soup plate. The colonel and all the other officers iced their hot soup to save him from being embarrassed by the mistake — bad manners, but an act of noble courtesy.