FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2359, 11 May 1899, Page 49

FUN AND FANCY.

— A Question. — Would a doctor's report come undei the head of news of the weak? —It is poor consolation to the girl who ihas been stung by a bee to know that bees are partial to sweet things. — "How's your wife, Binks?" — "Her head troubles her a good deal." — "Neuragia?" — "No; she wants a new hat." —A: " v»aat do you think of C ?" B : "He is the kind of man that the more I think of him the less I think of him."

— First Stranger : " I say, that's my umbrella you have." Second Stranger : " I dont doubt it, sir; I got it -at a pawnshop." — Proud Mother: "Oh, John, the baby can walk ! " Cruel Father : " Good ! He can walk the floor with himself at night, then."

— • Teacher : " Jimmy, in the sentence, 'The fire is low make it burn,' what punctuation mark is needed ? " Practical Pupil : " Colon."

—In China the native word for " farewell" means literally "go away slowly." China is the place for telegraph messengers to emigrate to. — Mrs Perkins : " Did yer see any of them horseless kerridges up in the village? " Mr P : " No-o ; but I had some of their cowiess milk."

— Two next-door neighbours quarrelled, and one of them exclaimed excitedly : " Call yourself a man of sense ! Why, you are next door to an idiot."

— -Indignant Mother: "How dare you suffer him to kiss you, Marguerite? " Sweet Seventeen : " Oh ! there wasn't any suffering about it, ma, dear." — Judge: "What is your age?" (Female witness hesitates.) Judge: "Don't hesitate in answering the question. The longer you hesitate the older you'll be."

"Do you grow sage?" the lady asked; " Of course," the gardener replies. " If you grow sage," the lady said, "Then why don't you grow wise?"

— ■ Superfluous. — He : " What would you do if I should try to kiss you?" She: "Call for Kelp." He: "That would be entirely unnecessary. I shouldn't need it."

— ■ Bride (who had eloped) : " Here is a telegram from papa." Bridegroom (anxiously) : " What does he say? " Bride : " All is forgiven, providing you don't come back."

— He : " What lovely flowers ! Do you know, they remind me- of you?" She: " Why, they are artificial !" He : '-' Yes, I know ; but it requires close examination to detect it."

— -"I've called to tell you, sir, that the photographs you took of us the other day are not at all satisfactory. Why, my husband looks like an ape ! "—"" — " Well, madam, you should have thought of that before you had him taken."

— Parker : " Who was that ruffianlylooking fellow I saw with you to-day, Hicks?" Hicks: "Be careful, Parker! That man was my twin brother." — " By Jove ! Forgive me, old man ; I ought to have known."

— Chopping Him Off. — Borrowby (effusively) : " Ho ! Grimshaw, is this really you, old man? Haven't seen you for an age — thought you were dead, don't you know, and " Grimshaw : " Just keep thinking so, Borrowby ! "

— "Mrs Salmon's got a dog that likes me." said little Emily, coming home from a visit to Her aunt. " How do you know he likes you?" her mother asked. "'Cause he tasted me, and then wagged his tail," answered the little girl.

— Wa' l s : "I wonder if dyeing one's hair is really as dangerous as the doctors say." N. Peck: "You bet it is. An old uncle of mine tried it once, and in less than three months he was married to a widow with four small childien."

— Disillusioned. — Flimshaw : " What has caused the change in Major Stiff's appearance, of late? He used to look like one bom to command." Grimshaw: "He is married now, and has made the discovery that he wasn't born for any such purpose."

— " And so my darling got the prize at the baby show. I knew he would. It couldn't havo been otherwise." paid Mrs Youngma t<, ono ot the old bachelor judges "Yes, madam ; vie all xi^reed that your baby was the least objectionable of the lot." reulied the bruto.

— Mrs Grout : " Husbands are so different from other men ! " Mrs Snapper : " I know it. I said to John last evening : ' How the wind blows ! ' And he grunted and said : ' Did you ever know the wind to do anything else? ' " Mrs Grout : " That's just it. Before you were married he probably would have had nc end of nice things to say in reply." — " Good day, Mrs Clump. How is your husband this morning? " asked one country woman of another, whose husband was ill. "Well, I think he's a bit bettei," was the reply. "He sat up for an hour yesterday, and had a little appetite. He ate a couple of chops, a veal-and-'am pie, two helpings of apple pudding, and a snack o' cheese. I think by to-morrow he'll be able to swallow something substantial." —It was a lecture delivered by a learned purveyor of liver pills, and illustrated by diagrams of the frame of man. "That,' he explained, pointing out a totally different spot, "is where man's liver is." — " Excuse me," observed the man in spectacles, "but I am a surgeon, and that's not where the liver is." — "Never you mind where his liver is," retorted the lecturer. "If it was in his big toe or his left ear my pills would reach it, and shake it for him. On that you can bet your gig-lamps."