A Confession of Faith. The Poet Did Not Contribute. Apologised For. At" Full U alley. Meinself—und Gott!

Otago Witness, Issue 2355, 13 April 1899, Page 60

A Confession of Faith.

The Poet Did Not Contribute.

Apologised For.

At" Full U alley.

Meinself—und Gott!

THE 'BUS DRIVER AND HIS PAL.

It was the night of the great gale. la the usual midnight altercation at PiccadillyCircus for the inside seats of omnibuses we had suffered defeat ; we sat on the inclement top of the vehicle, a disconsolate row of four, cowering behind the waterproof aprons (which were not waterproof), and exchanging fragments of pessimistic philosophy. We knew wo were taking cold ; at first we were annoyed, but with increasing numbness came resignation. We grew calm enough to feel an interest in the imperturbable driver, who nonchalantly and with perfect technique steered his dogged horses through the tortuous mazes of traffic, never speaking, never stirring, only answering like an automaton to the conductor's belL Some drivers will gossip, but this one had apparently hin own, preoccupations. We could only see his hat, some grey hairs, his rotund cape, and hia enormous gloved hands; and perhaps we began to wonder what sort of man he was. Fov mile after mile he drove forward in a Trappist silence, till we were verging upon Putney, and th« r*iu-waahed thcuoughfficat Tftflactga

only the gaslights and the forbidding facades of the houses. Then at last, but without moving his head, be suddenly joined the conversation. " I've been, out in worse," he said. ''Yes, •we gets used to it. But we gets so that we has to live out of doore. If I got a' indoor job I should die. I have io go out for a walk afore I can eat my breakfast." A pause, and then: — " I've driven these roads for eight-and-iwenty year, and the only pal I've found is Cod Liver Oil. From September to March •I lake* it. and I never lias rheumatism and •I never has colds nor nothing o1o 1 that sort. 1 give it my children ever since they was torn, and now I'm blest if they don't cry for it." He finished; he had imparted his wisdom, delivered his message, and with the fine instinct denied to so many literary artists, he knew when to be silent. We asked him to stop, and he did so without a word. •*'" Goodnight," we said; but he had done with speech for that evening, and gave us no reply. We alighted. The 'bus rolled away into the mirror-like vista of the street. —Academy. ,

." lam quite willing to contribute to the — cr—amusement of the evening," interposed the amateur poet, who was "bursting to read his latest, and couldn't get anybody to take the hints he threw out. „ There was a sound like a groan from a corner 6f the room, and a guest went out. The others prepared for the worst, except one elderly man, who pulled down his waistcoat with an unnecessary show of determination. "Tho title of this little effort," the poet •wqnt on, drawing a roll from an unsuspected pocket, "is 'Tho Raindrops on the Roof.'" "Well, of course it does," exclaimed the elderly man. " Where would you expect it to drop? When the rain drops on any wellregulated house, it naturally chooses the roof. Perhaps you expect people to take the roof off when it rains? Or you think that wo imagine that it drops on the foundation, or ia the umbrella stand? Everybody else knows that rain drops on the roof, young man, and they don't want j-ou to write a poem to tell 'em. If you can write ono that will explain why it always rains when a man goes out in a new hat and without an umbrella, we're open to hear it." The poet did not contribute any further to the amusement of the evening.

A little time ago a wholesale firm received the following from ono of its out-of-town customers : Please too lett me no the Price of A good charraghe. "No member of the firm, nor any of its employees, could tell what was meant by a "oharraghe," and tho dictionaries failed to throw any light on the meaning of the word. Finally, tho letter was returned to the sender, with a polite note asking for a definition of the word eharrache." In reply came the following lucid explanation : Dero Cira,—The letter was rote by mi clurk, mo Being Buzzy, an' I Reegrit that his ignorsntz shood mike you so much Trubbel. He is a pore Boy, hoo you must eggscuse on ackount of his not Having went to skool but little; therefore He spelcd the word rong. It is '"Karridge" instead of "charraghe." Please ( eggscuse his ignorantz, and lett me ao ivhat a 2 seto, 2 hoarse, kovered Family Karridge will cost. The " ignorantz " of the clerk was excused, and the price of the "karridge" duly sent. Paid the Price. A gentleman of tha " old school," who lives Jn B t called his son into his library the j other evening, locked the door, und had a few words with the youth. i "William," began the father in a grieved , tone, "I hear a story about you that brings i the blush of shame to my cheeks. I can ; scarcely bring myself to believe it. I have no j word against the young lady whose name has j been given such unenviable prominence, i though I do think there are other young ! women who would make life more pleasant j for a husband." j

** I agree with you perfectly, sir. ' "Then, sir, what did you mean by fighting over her with young Jimson? His engagement to her is now announced, and one of the most surprising things to me is that he could get the better of you in eueh an unworthy way of settling your rivalry." "Better of me?" echoed the youth with flashing eyes ; " they look him home in an ambulance, and I don't look wrecked, do I? " " It's passing strange. You trounced him and yet he gets tho girl." "You don't understand it, father. In tha zeal of rivalry we both ran after her and took -her about for bo long a time that it was the n:anly thing for one of us to marry her, and the fellow who was whipped had to make the sacrifice.'.' '

The " old gchool " gentleman managed to maintain his gravity till the youth was hurriedly dismissed;- s and- then laughed till he shed tears. 'V

Writing about the amazing deeds of expert horseback riders, a military man tells of the feat of a Riffian irregular cavalryman. He says: —

" I have seen Coßsacks at full gallop snatch % baby from its mother's arms, toss it into the air, catch it, and repeat the performance. I once saw an Indian rider in tho Far West spring from his pony's bare back while the animal was moving at full gallop, pick up an arrow, and remount instantly in a standing posture. I have seen other performances all over the world, but for a neat, clean-cut feat this RiffiaD exceeded them all, I think. "Several of us had been at Gibraltar, and found ourselves in a town on the liiflian coast opposite. We were entertained by the Spanish, commander ; and one morning we rode outside the town and reached a level stretch of sand, where were a number of Riffian horseman.

"After some evolutions ono of the men produced a needle, an ordinary one, arid a •piece of thread, possibly two or three feet in length. They were both handed round for inspection. we -had duly inspected both, one of the men signified that he would thread the needle.

"He galloped his horso down the sand about 400 yards or ao. He finally wheeled his horso and remained stationary, facing us. The one who held the needle and thread waved tbem in his hand and rode toward the other. When ha had covered about tY/othirds of tho distance he halted and wnved his hand to the farther one. Immediately the latter spurred his hor3o into a gallop, aud came towards ux at full speed. "As ho passed the other he took the necdlo and thread from his companion with a df>ft dovomont, bent over for a> moment, aud

pulled up when he reached our party, holding the threaded needle triumphantly over his head."

The following amusing lines seem to be highly appreciated all over the world : — HOCH DEE KAISER I Der Kaiser auf der Vaterland Und Gott on. high all dings command. Ye two! Ach! don'd you understand? Mcinself — und Gott! While some men sing der power divine, Mem soldiers sing der " Wacht am Rhoin/' Und drink der healt in Rhenish vrein Auf Me— und Gott: Dere's France dot swaggers all around, She's ausgespieldt — she's no aggoundt; To much, ye dinks, she don'd amoundt; Meinself — und Gott! She -will not dqre to fight again; But, if she should, I'll show her blain Dot Elsasa und (xn IJrench) Lonaine Are mem, by Gott! Dere's gran'ma dinks she's nicht schmall tier, Mit Boers and dings she interfere — She'll learn none owns dis hemisphere But Me— und Gott! She dinks, dot frau, some ships she's got, Und soldiers mit der scarlet coat — Ach! Ye could knock dem — pouf! — like dofrl ITeinself — und Gott! In dimes auf peace brebared for wars, I bear der helm und spear of Mars, Und care nicht for ten doustmd Czars — Meinself — und Gott! In short, I humour every vhim, Mit aspect dark and visage grim — Gott pulls mit mo and I mit him — Meinself — und Gott!