FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2331, 3 November 1898, Page 49

FUN AND FANCY.

— Why are good husbands like dough? Women need them. — '-His honour is at steak," said the waiter Avhen the County Court judge Avas at dinner. — The man who can say "Yes" and " No " at the right time has the greatest command of language. — " Come to stay?" asked the fish. " Oh, no," said the Avorm on the hook. " Just dropped in for a bite ; that's all." " If heaven would grant mo hub my wish," The poet said, " Why, I Would like to lie all day and fish, a Or fish, all day and lie." — "Mamma, Avhat is classical music?'' "Oh! Don't you know? It's the kind that you have to like whether you like ifc or not." —De Sappy : "So you are going to be a man some day, are you, Tommy'/" The Terror: "Yes, sir. Don't you Avish you were me?" — Customer : " Waiter, it is almost half an hour since I ordered that turtle soup." Waiter : " Sorry, sir, but you knoAV hoAV sloav turtles are." — There is a henpecked man avlio complains bitterly of his Avife's treatment of him. He says he Avould apply for a divorce, only she Avon't let him. Arthur : " Are you sure she loves you?" Jack: "Yes. When I told her I had no money to marry on, she asked me if I couldn't borroAV some." Jameson: "What are 'your two boys twins?" Dolby: "I think so till I look at my boot bills, and then I am convinced that they are centipedes." "Will you love me when I am old?' simpered Misa Oldgirl to her youthful intended. "Why, my darling, i do!" responded he, in mild aurprNe __gaw Him, Too.— Caller: "Is Misa Robinson at home'"' Korwmt: "No, sir." Caller: "Why, *he l"' l > 3"^ « nme in ! I saAV her." Servant: "Yes, mi; and she jaw youj too.'

— Hobson : " I understand your daughter is taking great pains Avith her singing?"' The Poor Father: "'Taking' is not the Avord ; 'giving' is more like it." — Well," said Pat, chuckling, " I've just chated this ould railway company nicely." "Hoav so?" "Why, IVe taken a return ticket, and I've no intention of going back at all, at all." — George 111 Avondering hoAV the apple got into the dumpling is nothing to the small boy Avho, looking between tAvo uncut leaves of a magazine, said, " Mammy, how did they ever get the printing in there?" Mary had a little lamb, So gontle and so fat, She sold it to tho butcher-man And bought a summer hat. — " We don't cA T en have the same butter we had in my younger days," said the elder boarder at the seaside lodging house, Avith the querulousness of age. "It is my impression," said the younger boarder, " that Aye do — the very same." —As a Beginning. — He : " I shall speak to your father to-night. How had I better begin?" She: "By calling iris attention to the statutes gOA r erning assault, manslaughter, and murder. Papa is so impulsive, you knoAV." —It was very cai*eless leaving the parrot in the parlour on Sunday evening ; but she never thought anything about it until Monday morning, Avhen he roused the Avhole house by making a smacking noise and crying, "Darling Katie! Darling Katie! 1 ' He kept it up all day, too, and the old folks are much interested in the case. — The Gist of It.— Sue : "Why, she flirted outrageously Avitu. him ail the winter." Nell: "Yes. I saw him kiss her one night." Jennie: " Oh, that is not flirting." Sue and Nell: "Not flirting? Then wo should like to know Avhat is." Jennie : " Why, making him Avant to and not letting him." — Master : " Late again, Sandy ! Can't you manage to get here in time?" Sandy (Avith a doleful head-shake) : " I canna sleep o' nichts, sir, an' so I'm loth to get up in the momiri." Master: "Eh, man, sleeplessness ! Why don't you consult a doctor and get at the cause?" Sandy: "I get at the cause Aveel eneuch, but it'll no shut up. It's six weeks auld, an' an aAvfu' yeller." —It is related that a French maid in the employ of a lady of London Avas dismissed for some fault. She made a national issue of the dismissal. "Ah, perfidious, infamous Albion !" she exclaimed. " You burn Joan of Arc, you kill ze great Emperor Napoleon, and now you dismiss me !" And, strange as it may seem, perfidious Albion remained insensible even to this reproach.