CONFESSIONS OF A FREE DINNER.

Otago Witness, Issue 2323, 8 September 1898, Page 55

CONFESSIONS OF A FREE DINNER.

An Artful Man's System. l! may seem a bold thing to say, but I can affirm from experience that a man who possesses decent manners, an unlimited quantity of cheek, and a dress-suit need never go short of a good dinner in London. I made this useful discovery by accident. A friend of mine, who is a member of many clubs and associations of various kinds, meeting me one day in the street, cried: "Hello, Blank! Would you care to go to the Anglo-Mongolian dinner to-night?" I do not mind confessing that my luck was not of the best at the time, and I would gladly have dined with the. Anglo -Afridis or tue Anglo-Cingalese, provided the dinner was '■ a good one and the operations were conduc1 ted in the orthodox manner. So I promptly 1 replied to my friend's question in the affirma1 tive. Mj friend explained that he could not atten I himself, and handed me his ticket, with ■ |* the assurance that the Anglo-Mongols were | a joliy set of fellows, and that their dinners were, superb. That night I presented myself at the Hotel Caravanserai, and, followi ing a stream of persons, arrayed, like myself, • in evening dress, presently found myself shaking hands with a portly gentleman of ' rubicund countenance, whom I naturally con- • eluded to be the president of the Anglo-Mon-i gtlian Society. Dinner was soon announced, and as there 1 s'ec-med to be no formal arrangement of seats 1 i 1 tcok a vacant chair, and found myself bei tv,een two merry gentlemen, who indulged in banter throughout the dinner, and seemed tin ii-ughly determined to enjoy themselves. , Presently 'the health of the Queen wus drunk : with acclamation, and then a serious-looking gentleman seated near the chairman rose and sai 1 he felt honoured at having been entrusted with the toast of the evening : " Prosperity to the Firm," a sentiment that evoked will enthusiasm. I stared at the serious-looking gentleman and then at my neighbour, and suddenly it j dt wned upon me that I had eaten the wrong dinrer. Instead of dining with the AngloMcngols [ had been the uninvited guest at a banquet given to the employees of a big j con mercial firm — of a firm which employed | so many servants that m-my of them did not knov each other. Slaking some excuse about wanting to get he me early, I left the room ; but as I walked home I gradually realised that I had made a discovery which might prove of undoubted value. I was hard up, and my repasts were perforce of the most" frugal order. But so long as I kept my dress suit, why should I not I from time to time partake of a firstelas* dinner without cost to myself? i "There is so much waste at these banqvets," I argued to my conscience, "that ntbody will be a penny the worse, while I j shall be very much better for a good, square meal." The next morning I resolved to go to work in a systematic manner. I knew there was daiiger in the game ; but a hungry man is j willing to. take a good many risks in order to satisfy a healthy appetite. The plan I decided upon was this : At a number of the big hotels there were several dinners eveiy night, and I resolved to go down in evening diess and pick out the most likely dinner, and then, if there was any hitch, I could say that I had accidentally come to the wrong one. My first attempt was a ghastly failure, for I lost my nerve, and when the waiter at the entrance to the reception room asked me for my name 1 positively could not remember it. That night I went home hungry ; but a day or two- later I plucked up courage to try again, and on this occasion L dined sumptuously with a big commercial association, whose membeis- came from alparts of the country. One of my zieighbours, hailing from the provinces, was ie lighted to have a Londoner next to him, md after the dinner he invited me to his hotel, where we sal smoking and chatting until an early hour. This adventure gave me encouragement, and after a time I would enter the hotel I had selected for my evening's entertainment without the slightest trepidation, i naturally learned a good deal as I went on. One thing I discovered was that it v.as well to pick out a dinner where the guests were very numerous ; and I also found out by experience that it wf/s a di,sUncT. advantage to come in late. I wou'cl then walk up to a vacant chair — there aio generally vacant chairs at a big dinner — and if no one chimed in with any object'on on the ground that the chair was being itserved for a friend, I was soon quite at home. Of course, there were hitches at times ; but after the first h?d been successfully siuj mounicd, I was quite rctcly for any enieri gviuy. The first set-back occurred at the ! <lrnn»r of a cortchi well-known London assnoi.'irion. I had taken a chair, and was in the middle of my soup, when someone j touched me cm the shoulder and said po- | litely : " Excuse me, sir ; but you're in my j scat." And he pointed to a plan of the ' Übles which he carried in his hand. I , looked up wiUi feigned astonishment, and I then, redding the name of the association en the printed paper, exclaimed : '" I'm &o sorry, but I have made a mistake. I thought this -ttiis Messrs Printingink's dinner." And with this I mrdestly retired i from the scene, and proceeded, not into > Messrs Priritingink's banquet in the adjoin- j ing room, but to my humble garret in the j Ncrth of London. The "mistake"' dodge was most useful '• whenever I was asked for a ticket; but 1 re-member on one occasion being pressed I to stay after I had announced my " misI U'ke." Dinner was nearly ended when a claimant for my chaiz appeared. '" There's some mistake," said I. " Isn't this the Elephant Hunters' Club?" " i\o," said the new-comer with a genial laugh, " but as you've come into the wrong place, I do hope you'll stay and finish your dinner." x .And I did. My new; friend had another

! chair brought up, and we spent a inostJ, pleirant eveaing. After a while I forgot all about the risks T was miming at my free dinners, and once I actually responded to the toast of '" The Visitors." It arose in this Avay. The task had been really entrusted to a very nice sort of old gentleman seated next to me ; ■ but as the time approached for him to speak, ! the poor old fellow got into such a state ! of fright that he begged me to take over his duty for him. lam not a nervous man, and can honestly say that my impromptu speech was received with loud applause. My neighbour's gratitude was unbounded, and he went so far as to invite me to visit his house, an invitation which, after mature consideration, I decided not to accept. As my system of free dining was of such a satisfactory character to myself, why, it may be asked, am I now giving the secret to the world, and thus putting an end to my pleasant entertainments? 1 can assure my readers that I would never have thought of doing anything of the kind but for the fact that certain " expectations " of mine have lately been realised, and that in consequence of the death of a relative, I am enjoying a sufficient income to enable me to become a " paying " instead of a " free " diner.