FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2323, 8 September 1898, Page 49

FUN AND FANCY.

«■ — Experience is a school where the youngeso pupils pay the highest fees. t j — It is but a step from poverty to riclies, . r.nd but a step back again, and many a man ' takes them both. ( — It is said that toothache may always be J cured by holding in the hand a certain root j — that of the tooth. j — Kind Old Lady : " Haven't you got any J parents, little girlV Lizzie: "No, lydy, I' was borned in a orphan asylum." She started to write a poem thus : " Man only works till six " She paused, then thought of a beautiful rhyme : " While woman works till IX." — " And so the old man was gathered to his fathers?" — "Well, you could hardly call it gathered — dynamite explosion, you know." , i — Ethel : " I've had fully a dozen offers ! of marriage lately." Maud: "Mercy me ! j Good ones?"' Ethel: "Yes. All from George." « j — Don't be mean enough to think when j your -H^ife becomes unusually affectionate j that it's a new dress she wants. It may be ! only a hat. — " Isabel Ouida Upton " is the fanciful name of a little girl. Her initials being I O. U., it is presumable that she is "a child, of promise." — Scientists assert that the fly can make 600 strokes a second with its wings, but it jprefers to loaf around on the bald man's head and tickle him. j — "I don't object at all to my wife's hay- { ing the last word," declaimed the j)hiloso- s pher. "The only thing I ask of N her is to get it out a little quicker." — Kind Party : '" If I give you this penny what will you do with it?" Tatters (sarcastically) : "I'll be honest with you, guvnor. I'll spend it in riotous living." — The Mean Thing. — She : " Yes, dearest, I made this cake all alone." He: "I can't believe it. Somebody must, at least, have helped you lift it out of the oven." — Agent : " Allow me to show you, sir, our wonderful new talking machine, which " Henry Peck : " Great Csesar's ghost ! I have one at home ; I'm a married man !" — Hostess : " What, are you going already, professor, and must you take your dear wife 'away with you?" Professor: " Indeed, madame, I am sorry to say I must." — Nothing so helps a paper as the importing of useful information. " How shall I keep the flies out of the sugar bowl?" asks a correspondent. " Fill the sugar bowl with salt," is our prompt reply. Grandma used to spin ; but now Grandma doesn't care to. Fact is, wheels have altered so Grandma doesn't dare to. — " What did you think of that cigar I gave you yesterday?" — "Not much. It cost me 10s."— "How so?" — "Why, it gave my wife the idea that the gas was leaking some.where, and she sent for a plumber." — "So you are going to many Herr Meisgner?" — "Hardly. Papa is not altogether satisfied with his position ; mamma doesn't like his family ; he doesn't strike me as quite stylish enough — and, besides, he hasn't asked me." — "Albert, dear, while looking through some of your old clothes I made such a lucky find that I ordered a new: dress on tL»

strength of it." — "What was it, dear?' — " Half a dozen cheques that had never been written on." — "This is the fourth time you have asked me to many you," said Miss Cayenne ratho* impatiently. " How often do you wish me to refuse you?" — " Well," replied Willie Wishington, " I think three times quite sufficient." — Scene: Lunatic asylum. Imbecile looking through the railings. Cyclist panting, blowing, and struggling up hill. Imbecile : " Hey, Mister ! what are you doing that for?" Cyclist : " Pleasure !" Imbecile : "Come in." — Money makes the man," proudly exclaimed the millionaire, as he was saluted by high and low while riding down the street. " Man makes the- money," chuckled the counterfeiter, as he successfully passed another spurious £5 note on the unsuspecting shopkeeper. — "Do you lemember," said Miss Ancient to Colonel Crablree, " how when you Avere a young man you proposed to me and I rejected you?" . "It is one of the happiest recollections of my life,", said the Colonel, with an air of gallantry. And Miss Ancient is still wondering. — " What a wonderful pa.inter Rubins was !" remarked Mr Gibbs, at the art gallery. " Yes," assented Mis Gibbs. "It is said of him that he could change a laughing face into a sad one by a single stroke." "Why," spoke up Johnny, in disgust, "my schoolmaster can do that." — Polite. — Japanese courtesy stands the latest test. A European who was riding a bicycle in the City of Tokio accidentally knocked down a venerable man. The aged victim gathered himself together, deferentially approached the rider, and humbly begged pardon for being in his " honourable way." — A gentleman was one day having a walk doAvn a lane with a gun in'his hand to see what he could shoot. While lie was going down he met a little schoolboy, and said to him: "Is there anything to shoot down here, my little boy'r" *" Ye*,'' s^aid the boy, " there's the schoolmaster coming over the hill."