FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2319, 11 August 1898, Page 49

FUN AND FANCY.

■ - ■» — Different. — Cora : " Did he get on his knees when he proposed':" Carrie : " No, but I did." • — One swallow doesn't make a summer — particularly if the cat sees him first and makes a spring. — Eva: "Does your new dre,=s fit well.''' Vera: " Oh, splendidly. I can hardly move or breathe in it." — Nearly all other skins can be made into boots and shoes, but- the orange skin is only available for slippers. — " Mamma," said a little boy who had been sent to dry a towel before the fire, •' js it done when it is brown V — A mother of six declares that those who say that boys know nothing about economy never saw them when they were using soap. — "Caii you show me Ihe way to the dentist's?"— " Yes, go down that street, then turn the corner, and listen until you hear <i shriek." — Plain. — The Man: "I wonder if your father would have me for a son-in-law V The Maid : " Very likely. Papa and I al"waj's disagree." — " Sir, the howling of your dog annoys me tii cad fully." M'Guff:'"lt do, do it? Maybe yez want me to get a trained baste that can play on the flute!" — " Jink.« is an absolute cad." — " Why?"' ■ — '■ I told him a good story on the way out to dinner, and when he got there he worked it off -before I had a chance.' 5 — "Ihat dog certainly seems almost Vjman at times." said old Mr Fussy. — '• Yes,'' replied Mrs Fussy, '"he growls over bis food quite as much as you do " — The minister who had difficulty in keeping his parishioners' eyes fixed on hm during the sermon solved the problem by placing a large clock directly behind him. — " Isn't that a Very slow horse of yours?" — " Well, he isn't much for speed, but he's easily frightened, and runs away a good deal, .so he gets there just the same.'" — "Lester, dear," said Mrs Giddings, anxiously, to her husband, " I don't like that cough of yours." — "I'm sorry," replied Mj Giddings,'"but it's the best I have." — Mrs Puce : " Mercy, you let your girl oil every afternoon 1 ." .Mrs Mnce: "Yes, indeed, it is such a saving ! The more she is away the fewer dishes she breaks." — Suspicious Tailor: "There, stand in that position, please, and look straight at the notice while I take your measure." Customer reads the notice: "Terms cash." iWith a bundle of clubs and a heavy-weight flask, Th-* golfer seis out on his terrible task, 1o chivvy a poor little hall o'tv the lea— But 'tis not in his flask that he carries Ms ' tee. 1 — " That's the third tack I've stepped on," complained Wheeler the night after the new carpet had been laid. "I don't believe I could pick 'em up any faster if I had pneumatic feet." , —"And you will buckle on the sword/ — Tlie New Woman's eyes flashed; her bosom heaved. "Buckle!" she repeated scornfully. " Pin !" That was to say, there .was no time to lose. — Double-edged.— "What's an 'aggressive policy,' grandpa?"— " Well, it's a policy which makes a man so angry that lie wants to fight, but which frightens him bo that he doesn't dare t0.,"- ■ _ • -

— " ITweddy, why don't you let your mo'istache grow'/" — "Why don't I let it? Good heavens, deah boy, I do, but it won't !'' — Tommy .- " Did you do much fighting dnring the war, paY" — Pa : " I did my share of it, Tommy.'' — Tommy: "Did you mike the enemy run?" — Pa: "You're right, I did, Tommy." — Tommy: "Did they catch 3 r ou, pa?" — She Suffered. — " Yes," she sighed, " ior many years I've suffered from dyspepsia." — "And don't you take anything for it I .'" her friend asked. " You look healthy enough." — "Oh," she replied, "it's my husband that has it.' — A Calamity Averted. — "■'For a joke,"' exclaimed Jagsby, " they put a poison lab- i l on my whisky bottle. Luckily, it was too dark for me to read it ; otherwise a terrible calamity would have resulted. I wouldn't have drunk the whisky." — A gentleman taking an apartment '"Id .the landlady: "I assure you, madam, I never left a lodging but the landlady shed tears." — She answered with a very inquiring look : " I hope it was not, sir, that you went away without paying? 1 — " These poor prisoners should have glasses to drink from instead of tin cups," said the tender-hearted visitor. — " If they had glasses," the warder explained, " they might throw them, and people who live in stone houses should not throw glasses." — " Good-bye, professor,"' said the sweet girl graduate. "I shall always remember you kindly, for to you I am indebted for all I know."' — "Say no more," said the professor — " pay no more. Such a trifle is n<.t worthy of a thought. I can assure you." A teacher asked a little boy to spell " responsibility," which he did. " Now, Tommy," said the teacher, '" can you tell me the meaning of that big word? " " Vis, mum," answered Tommy. vv lf I had only four buttons on my trousers, and two came off. all the responsibility would hang on the other two."