FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2300, 31 March 1898, Page 49

FUN AND FANCY.

— Woman. Lawyer : " How old are you 2 " Woman Witness (trembling) : " Hussy I " — Nobody seems to care much whether he kisses the b:ide at a silver wedding or not. — When a woman is moat sure of having won a man's love is the time for her to study hardest how to keep it. — "I know what ought to be done with cigarette fiends." — " What 1 " — " Many them to the girls who kiss their poodles." — " Waat," asked a growing evil, '• is the difference between a bachelor and a benedict, pa 1 " " About a fiver a week, my son." — Don'G be mean enough to think when your wife becomes unusually affectionate that it's a new dresn she wants. It may be only a bat. —"I shall be at horns next Sunday night," said a lady to her beau, who was wavering in his attachment. "So shall I," .was the reply. — Upon a gay Lothario marrying his young wife she said : " Now, I hope you will -mend.". "You may depend on it," said he; . •• this is my last folly." — One of Jerrold's acquaintances said to him : " Our interests correspond ; in fact, we row in the same boat." " With what different skulls ! " said Jerrold. ' — One ot Disraeli's admirers said to John. Bright : " You ought to give him credit. He is a self-made man." " Yes," replied Bright, •' and he adores his maker" —Mr Youngwed : " Darling, this egg aeems to be pretty well cooked." Mrs Youngwed (delighted)-: " I thought so. Why, deareat, I boiled it for over half an hour." what's this ? " Go thou, my son, and shut that shutter," A mother to her son did utter. " The shutter's shut," the lad did mutter, " And 1 cau't shut it any shutter." — Chailie (to nfcwy-roarried wife): "I read in this newspaper, Martha, that there are 400 different ways cf cookicg potatoes." Martha : " You don't mean to say bo, Charlie." " Yes, 400. Now, don't, you think you conld try and learn one o£ them?" — A Good Rsason. — Biggs " That's a nice dog you've got. What will you tske for him 1 " Boggs : " I wouldn't sell that dog for a hundred ponnds!" Biggs: "Saved your life some timel" Boggs: "-No." Bigg* "Then why wouldn't you sell him for a hundred pounds!" Boggs: "He isn't mine." — "Where are you going iv snch a hurry 1 " asked Hostetter M'Ginnis of Johnny Fewscade. "I'm going to old Bondclipper to ask for the hand of his daughter." *f Which one ? " " That all dependa on what sort of humour he is in. If he is in a good humour I'll propose for the youngest. It he "is cranky I'll propose for the oldest." — What is the proper reply to the everyday remark, " I beg your pardon " 2 There aeems to be a large number of replies, varying according to the class or status oE the replier. A correspondent has kindly assorted and catalogued them as follows : — 3?he very polite : "My fault, I'm sure." The polite : " Don't mention it." The average : *' All right." The genial : "No harm done, eir." The genteel: "Granted." The plebeian : " Why don't you look out 1 " The lowest ten : " Whera yer shuvin' 1 " The constant drop of water Wears away the hardest stone ; The constant gnaw of Towser Vanquishes the toughest boas ; The constant cooing lover v Carries off the blushiug maid ; And the constant advertiser Is the one who gets the trade. ANACHRONISMS. ( A man can lose his head without being beheaded. You can still see when blinded by prejudice. It doesn't hurt you to let your eyes fall to the floor. You can tell how anything looks without gay ing a word. Having a load on your mind doesn't increase your weight. We can be carried away and stay where we are. Two people may fall out without striking jsomewhere. —~*_-^ A person may turn a deaf oar to & subject and still hear every word. Wo can see through many things with our •yes closed. We cannot be dead In earnest on any subSect without bei&g very mur.h alive to it,