EDITOR'S WALLET.

Otago Witness, Issue 2299, 24 March 1898, Page 59

EDITOR'S WALLET.

JU BILLEE. A FEW SEASONABLE REMARKS TO OTAGANS.

By a Ju Believer.

Evetybody ttkes Ju Billee sericu dy. Probably tnis is because he- is of Jewish descent", and the Jews have ever been noted for their taking proclivities. They have takeu measles, typhoid, iufluei za, and 25s ia the £ from creditors. Bub then Christians do Lho came thing, and blame the Jews for setting a bad exsraple. As far b^ek us the <says when there vrere giants and the Book of Leviticus ruled the Judges in Israel there were Ju Billees. He is peculiar to tbe Peculiar People and to the Anglo-Saxon. This fo r ms a strong argument sind steot for those who believe that Britain (thai in, we) aye the J Oiit Tenth Tribe or the Yea Tribes. But J.B. always cune as a stranger ia a btrange laud, and didn't stay long enough to get accustomed to his visit. Why he was called Ja BilJee I don't know, and I've misplaced my Shakespeare ja&t now. It would have been touch more home- like ,und English to have called him' Ja Jube, or Ju No, or even Ben. The people or other nations displayed a Jar better, knowledge of IStsglich t«fetcs when they dubbed their centurion S1".S 1 ". Henry, aud another saving of national vjesltb, ;s; s that St. Henry only comes along ODce to every Ju Bsllae's twice.- A playmate of St. Henry's is St. Tary. Still, Ju B ■ Jlef s are good for trade, and no doubt that is why they came from Jtwry. In .the long run the batting on the two Saints is always 100 to 50 against Ja Billee. Ev.'ry m&c is born with the possibility of a Ja B llee coming to stay at his pUce, and be is lucky if he has a good fab pu'se ia his pocket at the tirce, for J.B. is au expensive guest. Your friends will come to eea him, and fetay Kte, to th» consuming of much gord aud expensive 6olids and liquids. I have heard of a few Maoris who have claimed that Bb. Henry visited their whares. They always declare that -they had shaken fcaiid3 with Captain Cock,'and looked as if they hadn't; washed them since. Every nation escepb a South American republic has had its Sfc Henry, but lam tcsplical cf the individual's. If anyone has had ib, then that would account for the skeletons we hear of iv some family capbjards. Probably if some Society for the Uaearlhisg of Skeletons in Cupboards could trace a c;iai>lete set of bones and big them to the safsfacbion of a Professor Owen, they might get Sb. Henry canonised, and so fill a long-felt gap on the Calendar of Saints. Hera is a great opportunity tor some enthusiastic unemployed, who, if he starts young and al occe, will hive cone a gtea% public service by the t'nw Sfc. Henry comes to Oisgo — ia 1948. Wet-oil; not that I am busy building up my own Ju Biilee, I would give this skeleton business serious thought myself. 'Xfaere is another reason wby evary man ehoukl be bis own Ju Believer as against being a St. Henarian. That ia in regard to life insurance. Say ycu back your Ju Billee sgainst your wife's opinion of S\ Henry, then there is 100 chances to 1 1 thtfc you wir>. If you b^ck your Ju Biltee for £500 or £1000 ia the A.M.P,. or the X.V Z. effice — with half-yearly premium's — you have a big chance, almo3t a moral on,e, of sacoping the pool yourself ; bub if you iub your premiums on St. Henry, then your heirp, executors, and as.-igus draw tha dividends every time. Teat's where the great m*j jrity now on the other side made their mistake, aud happy is he who can sit in old Charon's canoe with the thought that "the wife has a shire on Si. Henry." Ib ought to bs the law of the^land that when a marriage takes place the man and the woman should be compelled to put their shilling a week on their Ju Billee, the survivor who gels there to be entitled to bMh/dividends. And if bolb are. able (o draw the £100 aud bonuses, imagine the joy in that hou-e over the teeners that have returned ! The pity of it ia that if this schf me were to be adopted in Ofcago to-day, Prohibition might receive Ju B llee — and what is the gocd of bonuses aud fab dividends in a land where there is no party labelled Walker, -rybere Auld Scotch has been drowned past the taintiDg of water, when no gin is to be found even in Australia, and the* only long bier known is that U3ed by the ambulance co r ps ? The ancient Jews looked forward to the coming of Ju Bill= e with m'xed feelings. The bond servant was to ba freed : the other fellow was to lose a gocd — and cheap — servant. Then he who had mortgaged his house and his land, and his ass and all that was his, unto his neighbour was to get all these things back again through the intervention of Ju Billee. Aaron Schmidt was a bard-working, sober carpenter, and he met with such a stroke cf hard luck that he had to borrow from Moses Robinson, a m*son, who had struck the luck of a fat Chinaman. In course of time it happened that Schmidt struck harder and Robinson still better Juck, and then Moses foreclosed on Aaron. By this time Robinson was a rising builder and sontractor, and -as he now had Schmidb as his bond servant within his own gateway, he had only Ilia tuck.cc fa tjive. He made Schmidt;

I his foreman, for Airoc kue* his basiness wtli, and thing* wenb well ia the house of Moses Robinson. Whist the house of Schmidt has never had much chance of extinguishing itself — with its cosmopolitanism ua Schmidt, Smith, Smitt, Sohmitt, tSnmlekff, or fiacj't— in these drtjs of Moses and Awon and the bullrushus in tho bear gardens, the family would hava died oub completely had it nob b3en for the firm faith of Aaron Schmidt and his missu3 in their Ju BsJleo. For ib came to pass that the time of Ju Billes approached, and thinking to gefc ahead of the times Moses Robinson, E-q . J. P. — he now wa? a great fuead of the Gov-^rn-raerib- -got up° very early one morning aud l«ut Aaron & shektl of silver, saying in his largebanded style — which he had gathered from watching oie of the judges laying foundation stones — " You can pay we back in your own time, jou know." But poor Aar.m didn't know, and he said so. Tha other fellow was seized with an epidemic of smile?, and Raid, "Ob, that's all right, old man!" Bub it wasn't all righb ; neither was Fcarnidt au old man. That's where 1 Robinson made the mistake; and he reckoned wibhout Mrs Aaron. Schmidb, however, didn't know what to do with the shekel. Ha had never had so much Bilver in all bis bom days, and as he had quite lost his habit of going round to The Sign ot i,he Black Grape, money ball ho charm for him. Tbea he thought, bed ta'k tbe- matter over widh tbe wifg — a habit peculiar to the Jew and the Scot : just ao oilier is *t favourite wibh both — and most otiier fclk3. Now Mrs Aaron Schmidb had gob up just a, trifls fa lier than Mr Mosea Robinson— in fact, sbe was lighting Hl2 copper.'fire rye tbe washing when the boss came down Poking for Aaron ; and, v.'oman-iike, us soon as sub taw the silver she ihuughb of the coloi? bey dsess I piece should be when Jn Billee called «t their I house, aud her nexh thought wa3 : What is R)biii33n's motive? Shs cid not jump eibher \ m surprise or at a conclusion, but told Aaron ' s'ae'd think the matter oub during the day. Schmidt was worried all that day, and he'd I had ft heavy job to finish, ao- thab he came j home dog-tired. Ab lea the wife never u'tere<B j a word beyond asking whether he preferred butter- or dripping, and whether he'd take his lunch with him or dine. -at the Red Sea Rrsbauraut on tbe marrow. But when ♦ihe Schmidts retired to -their springiest mattrssa, and Aaron was j :s!i turning over wifeh his cusdomary '■ G'od-aight, Maria !" the latter, pubbing her hand on his shoulder to prevent his settling dowUf opened her fbodgates of talk. Aar>n corap'ained tbab they had "beaa toge* ther for two hours and she hada'6 said a blooming word ; and why can'fc ycu leb a fellow ge6 to sleep ? " His wife retorted thab she'd bsen thinking of their Ju Billee, and nobody had a right to talk or eleep when he was »b hand, Thab made Asxon sib up, only to !i'} down again. And they talked — ay the mifsns did — far into the night. A silk gown fills a woman with envy and pride ; a nightgown fills . her with talk. However, TSlrs Aaron talked to tome purpose, though 3he did rob hiai of hi 3 .sleep. She put her case fchusly : " Yon see, Aar, Mo thinks thab you in your foolishuc-ss will ovsrkok your Ja B.llee, and lha 1 ; his shekel wi 1 turn you in'o his St Henry. The Ju Billee is due next Saturday (ohe called it Suuday, of course). Nor? with that sheki-1 we'll be able-to go back into the house which Mo took from us. I'll do the spjiog cleaning; you'll hose the houss down. We'll get some new furnibure. I'll get a new dress, you a suib of second-hand moleskins. Geb Mat the artist to psiist a signboard, and we'll start in business for ourselves. With the help of Moses Robinson we'll be able to start in opposition againsb him, and who knows but that in the next vi-ij of Ju JBillee to these pares the bouse of Schmidt will bave the Robinsons as bondservanbs — and wou'b I trim old Mo's j&ckeb then, that's all ! " Aarrfn, who was very eleepy, agreed with all his wife said— not that he heard the half of ib — and next day wenb aboub bis work iv euch a way thab Mose3 chided him. " The woman balked and kepb me awake ! " he answered, bub ; the master merely retorted, "That's woman's [ mission— whab el c do you expect of her ? " I To which Aaron replied, in the way of the Blave, "Nothing!"' And lo ' Ju Billee came, and Mrs Aaron Schmidb took her husband to their old home, having got the mortgage back from Rjbinson through tho Public Trustee or the Land Transfer Oflice, I forget which. Then Mosea [ Robinson, E g., J.P., pub in an interpleader j claiming the shekel of silver, but Mr Martin, I who had had some experience as a magistrate, said thab was a gifb for services rendered during a heavy rush in public worka — and, anyway, Ju Billee annulled all debU and gifbs, haviog the powers of the Bankruptcy Courb to wipa off all obligations. Bo Mrs Schmidb gob her new dress, Aaron got a cheap pair of moleskins which had lost fcheic smell (for which reason his wife declared theywere nob genuine), and they had a lovely signboard painted in a yellow - blue - and - black scheme, " Date foreman to Moses Robinson, Esq , J.P. — no connection therewith now," being paiated in bold letters. Trade came to the Schmidts — and while she had no family to dress Mrs ScUmiclb, used to dress Aaron's

I timber for him, saying it would keep her baud in. Vtry eooa Robinson lost r!1 hi« cunning in making estimate?, and Schmidt's tenders were successful, £0 that he coined silver and grew fab ia the Land thai; had known him &n a slave. Then ho and Moses became rivals for a seat ju the S-inhpdricQ..£tiid Asron, who could talk like a papyrus, gob in. Wben the result of the poli was declared Moses was seized with a fi' - , and died. He wai given a public funeral,' at which Mrs Schmidt was chief mourner. She mourned the loss of a bb T # fat slave who f*ilod to hang out fur her Sb Heory. The furbher history of the Suhnsidt !?.inaily, is ifc nob another story appearing seiiaUy in '.he history of the Adjtlo1 Saxon and continental nations of the present century, and to ba continued m the uexb ? j Trainman's Tooth Ached. SO HR DECIDED TO GET A TKAIX TO POLL IT. | " Say, did you near about in* friend, Biil ? " j saic!* trainman. " Well th&t fellow has made me '■' iau^h mora times than onca. Not long ago Bill , gets a jumping toothache. lid wants to have j thab tooth out, bub he don'c want to pay the | money, nor he ain't; got the nerve to have the - thing done. All the same that tooth is keeping ' I-iitn up at night, and Bill he almost; goes wild. ( ' Either me or that tooth,' tays Bill ; ' one or ! the other. I ain't going^o stand thi* sorb of life.' * , ' • • All the same, wheti Bill starts to go to the ! dentist his knees begin to bend, and he is so | scared that the tooth stops hurting. But when ! he turns back and reached the house the tooth |is plugging him again. Now Bill thinka^of a i great scheme. What does he do but buy, a i piecs of slrong string (say, you know thia kind I of fiilk tlmad ?), and he waxes that and ties it ' <o hi? tootb, so tight th»t it cannot c:>me off. ] Tbcn Bill walks down So the railroad station. , Y-.u see, it «7as his idea to tie the string to a j, freight car, and then whet the train started it ; wcu'd jerk tbe m«p.sly tooth out. j "He finds a freight ar.d ties the string to tbe coupler of the lasb car, aud stands arouud to waifc until the train starts. Well, hie. hebegina to feel chilly about the gills. Tha i/iore he ; thinks of the time when tfcte train is going fco i move the worse hs fefils. Every time a whistle i biows he jumps. "Well, I gues3 I'd better J untie," thinks Bill, " and come again another | day ; bub when he goes to loosen the string i he finds that it'tt no go, and he can't jerk the I thing loose b- cause the other end i» on the [ tootb. I "Weli, sir, tbat train begin 3to start, and i Bill ha doesn't have the nerve to sband hack, sc ! he trots on behind like a little pup st the end iof a chain. ' Where are you going, 811 ? " ! hollers out a teller ' You seem to b« in a | hurry.' WelJ, sir, Bill starts to swear like . mad, but '.he train is beginning to go a little j >Ast, acd he has to commence to lepe like a jac'4 rabb't. You see, the train had been going I '.brough the city, but now it etacf'ed to get out- ! side. Bill didn't have the ta sUnd still, I so he just humped h'toself after the train like ib was something that he wanted bad. "'Say, misier, why are you limning that way ? ' a&kod a brakeman who got oa 6o the thing. OF course that sort of guy made Bill ! madder than ever, bub L< had to lope on. t Lucky for Bill the irain had to slow up for a ' crossing, »nd while ib stopped he borrowed a j knife &ad cnb tbe string. But, gay, ib was funny to see B'li. ceasing the freight ! " — New Orleans Times Democrat. i j Engagements Whilst You Wait. i A tea capbain called at a village inn and asked the landlady, a youDg widow : j ''Da you know where I can gefc a mate ? I I have lost my mat?." I "lam very sorry for you, Mr ," she said, smiling. " I want a mate, too, and cannot get 1 one. Ai we are in the same position I'll cell i you what I'll do : if you'll be mine I will be j yours." i He closed with the bargain ; and, the widow | keeping her word, he is cow supplied with two ; mate?. i A doctor who had saved the life of a lady, a j personal friend, was asked his charge. He said he generally allowed his patient friends to remunerate him as they thought befitting. "Bub don'fc you often get disappointed' on these tarms ? " she inquired, " I may say never." j "As you are so easily pleased, here," and ehe , playfully gavo him her empty haud, while in the ; other was couceakd a cheque for a handsome 1 sum. "How easily I could have taken joa in ! " she added, producing the cheque. I " But ycu have only succeeded in drawing me | out," he said, declining to relinquish her hand. ! "Dou'6 iosulb m-3 with a cheque ; I am mosb generously rewarded." j Perhaps she understood the doctor's difficulby, and whhed to help him. out of it ; ab any , rabe, the giviug of her hand led him to effer hid hearb. Wbile in a tpbacconisb's shop a gentleman asked a girl behind the counter, who happened io have red hair, if she would oblige him with a mabeb. ) "Wibh pleasure, if jpiwill have a redj headed one," she promptly replied, wibh such a ' suggestive, demure smile thab she aroused hie interest. Further conversation proved her to be a

I pei sou worthy of regard, and eventually the red-headed match was handed over. Outwitted. [ "We offcen have curioa3 experiences when tryir.g to serve writs," says a solicitor's clerk, " bub J think few have oeen funnier than one which happened to me about 10 years ago. "I was comparatively new to the dodges practised by debtors, and, moreover, had a far greater opinion of my own cleverness than I have now. " Consequently I was onJy too glad of the chance of distinguishing myself when I was j asked to seive ?. writ on Colonel O > a retired officer, who wai /re'l known for the way in , which Le Laffled evsryone who gob sent on similar errands. " His house wjs easy enough to find, and one Di comber evening I presented myself in full uivform ( t am a volunteer, as yon know) and asked the servant to cay that Sergeant Green wautud to see her master. •• I #a<i at once shown in to Colonel O , and triumphantly accomplished rcy errand, •'To my astonishment, my victim took the whole affair in very good part ; indeed, he spoke to me in very flattering terms about my clever little stratagem, and insisted en my st&ying to dinner. j " The servant "-as asked to t?-ko my overcoat I and harg it up in the. tall, and while dinner } »vas> preparing my host amused t me with j accounts of some of the many strange advenl tures that had happened to him while in the | army. i "When dihner was over, • Excuse me a minute,' he said ; lahould lika you to tell mewhat you" chink of my whisky. I've only j£i!ew~ bobile3 sef t-, and I pride myself that you can'fc ! gtst anything liko ib in Lindoa. So I think its j best to keep ib under lock and key.' ) '• In a few minu'e3 he returned with the j whisky, which was indeed excellent, and after a , little more talk we parted on the best terms I with each other j "But you can imagine my disgust; wher J j i found, on reaching the street, tbat the artful j ! old soldier had taken the opportunity, wbiie going for the whisky, to slip the writ back again into my overcoat pocket. ! '* 1 - never had- another chance of serviDg ! him." The Wit and Wisdom of Mark Twain. SOME jMABT SAYINGS. When in doabii tell the f ruth. Noise proves nobbing. Often a heu that has merely laid an cackle* a? if ehe had laid an asteroid. History is better th*",n prophecy ; in fact, history is prophecy, history says thab where a weak and ignorant people possess a thing which j a strong aud enlightened people want, ie must ■ be yielded up peaceably, j Honesty is ehe be6t policy, but sometimes the j appearance oi ib is worth six of it. j ' Pity i& for the living ; enry is for the I dead. i We can siecurfc othec people's approval i? we ! do righb and try hard, but our own is worth a 1 hundred of ib, and no way has betu found out to secure rha 1 ;. To aucceed in the other trade 3 capacity-causb-ba shown ; m the law conc?a!aier>i of iv will do. T:uth ia stronger than fiction, but it is *jia« causa fiction is obliged to stick '•(> iios&ibilifcie* : truth is not. It is by the goodness of God that we havd the possession cf three unspeakably precious things—freedom of speech, freedom of con- j science, and the prudence of using either of j them. j Nothing is so ignorant as a man's left hand, i unless it bs a lady's watiih. j Man is the only animal that blushes, or that needs to. The man with the new idea is a crank until the ide* succeeds. There are many scapegoats for our sins, bub the most popular is Providence. Let us be thankful for the fools ; but for them the rest of us could nob succeed. When people do nob inspect us we are sharply offended ; yet deep down in his private heart no man respects himself. The Aubocraii of Russia possesses nnre power j than «uy other taaa ia the earth, but he can1 not slop a snetze. j There are several good protections agx>in3t j temptation, bui the sureab is cowardice. " | Plunger is the handmaid of genius. Grief can take care of itself, bub to get the full value of joy you must have somebody to divide ib with. Let me make the superstrbions of a nation, and I care not who makes its laws or its songs eibher. Wrinkles should merely indicate where the smiles have been. ' There rxo two times in a man's life when ho should nob speculates — when he cannot afford it, aud when he c&n. Make a point to do something every day that you do nob want to do. This is the golden rule for acquiring a habit of doing your duty without pain. Satan (impatiently to newcomer): "Tha trouble with you Chicago people is that you think you are the best people down here, whsreas you ace merely the moat numerous."

j In the first place God made ■ idiots — this was I for practice ; then He made tchtiol boards. i The principal difference between a cat and a ' lie is that a cat has only Dine lives. , • In statesmanship get tbe formalities rfght— never mind about tho raor&lities. [ None of us can ever have as many virtues »s ! the fountain pea or half its cussedness, but we I e<\n try.— From " More T-ramgs Abroad." How the Eagles vrere Captured at Waterloo. The etory of how the eagles were captured ab I Waterloo is worth teiling. Captain Clark I Kfnnedy, ot the Dragoons, took one. Ho was lidicg VeheuienbJy ia the early etsge of tha charge, when he caught; sight of the cuirassier officer carrying the eagle, with his covering men, trying to break through the melea and escape. " I g+ve tha order to my men," ha says, " ' R'gatshouldersforwar.d.j'fttrackthacolours.'" He himself ove-took the officer,, ran him through the body, and seizsd tbv eagle. Ho tried to break the eagle from the pole and push it inside bis coat for sf--carity,~~nut, failing, gave ifc to his corporal to carry to the rear, ; The other colour was takeD by Ewarfc, a sergeant of the Greys, a, very fine cwordsman,. He overtook the officer carrying the colour, and, to quote hia own sSury, ' v he end I had » hard 1 contest for iir. He ma.de a fchrusfc at- my ' groin ; I parrieil n> off and cat him down through -.he head. After this * lancer , came «§ me. I threw the lance off by my righb »idaand~ cat him through ' the chin sa>d" upwards through the teeth. Ne-sb. a foot sGldier fired at me and then charged md, with .hi? bayonet, .which I also had -fche "good luck fco parry, and then I cut him dawn tbroagt\ the head. Thus ended the ooatesfc. •' As I, yjke p.ooub to follow tte regiment tha genes a i said, * My bravg fellof, take fehafc to the, reae — yoa L&va done enough till you get quit; of it.-""— W. IT. Fitchtstt in " Fighfco for the Eiwpi: c. ■ Reciprocal: As, Told in Fnglaud. Araoug; a p9opl« wbo know no w&y-of cancel11. j; a-leb. tscopt by makin/j a. payment in kind ore it liable cd slrajiga experiences. .The Majris of Ne* Zealand are very exact in this -respect, ,".9 th'j following auecdcfce illustrates. Darikr s. skirmifh in the w«r . with , ihafc country the sen. of a chief fell into the bands of ■ the British. He was badly wounded in tho leg, and avopufcation became necessaiy, after whieb. the man rapidly recovered. When the patient was abla to be moved tho chief wj.?. iiiformtd that he might send for him. #J He did so, and the next d*y a cartload of potatoes arrived in camp as a present for tha British general, together with » message of thanfae from tbe chief foi the kind treatment his f-OQ had experienced. The chief also declared that in future hd **i<uld mfc kill wounded soldiers who fell into the hfeLids of his warrior?, but would only cat off a leg auci then send them back ! By an Inspiration, j The great hall, was uowded with men ana iiom'-a and children, assembled there to hear the story &! a returned gold miner. ' T\-e lecturer had ittere^fced them throughout, the tale, and wr.e about to conclude, when a mau rushed into the hall. His features were ghastly pwle, and his t-yeß plainly showed thai; terror filled his hearb. He approached the lecturer, and in a terrified whisper said : " The house is on fire. The people will soon* knovf — the pacic will come and the results will be horrible." • •','•- For a moment tbe lecture* was appalled an he thought of fche awiffc change which was soon to come over that great crowd of humanity, and his hearb throbbed with pain as he thought of the manly forms, the beautiful women, and the little children who would soon iie beneath the trampling feefc of the strong, to bs crushed into lifeless lumps of clay. Then came an inspiration. Stepping to the platform, he spoke : " Ladies and gentlemen," said he, "my lecture will conclude in five minutes, and a collection will be mide for the poor heathen is Alaska." He resumed bij story of " How I Found Gold on the Yukon," bub did not proceed far. In thres minutes the hall was quite deasrted.