FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2299, 24 March 1898, Page 49

FUN AND FANCY.

» — He : " What an ugly man ! I tever saw anybody so ugly I " She : " Hugh, dear ! You forget yourself ! " — A gallant young Irishman declared to his sweetheart that ha coald not sleep at night for dreaming of her. — Thi Tramp: "Can you tell ma how I can j;_c some work, sir ? " Tbe Citizan (crustiij): "Yes; buy a bicycle, and try to keep it clean ! " • — A^man oiay guy and- a man may lie, sr.d a man may puff and blow ; but he can'c get trade by sitting in the shade wsiting for J business to grow. { — First Man : "Do you think that you can tell a man's character by the bumps on bis head?" Second Ditto: "Well, I think you can tell more of his wiffc's character by them ! " r — Old Lady :, " Where is your husband, Mrs De Long 1 " Mrs De Long : "He couldn't come. He has the rheumatism all over him." Old Lady :'"Gaodneß3,rce! And he's over ■6ft ia height.".- — •' Da you like the hat ? " — as she tarced it -frlowiy on thß pink tips of her firgere. — * More than I can tell ; buc I fova its darling s'ttle owner." — " How sweet ! It' baJonga to i-jy sister. I'll call her." — "Hawkins is very fond of his borse, igr'c he?" — "Why, no; he hates him." — "That's queer. I paw him riding in the park the otber clay, and he had his armsabout tha animal's neck.'.' | — Impatient. — He : " I told your father j we expected to be married, cext month, aud \ be got. quite furious." She : " What did h© | He: "He- watited to know why we couldn't make it next week " — Old Lady: " Didn't; I tell you never to come here again 1 " Up-tc-Date Tramp :" I hope you will pardon me, modara, but it's tbe fault of my secretary ; he hss neglected to strike your name from my risitisg list." — " PoetF," saH the man who writes in verse, " are born, not made." " Possibly, possibly," returned tbe weary critic; "but of late I have been inclined to the belief that they are neither born nor made." — "And yet," said the famous Arctic explorer to himself, as he looked at his bank account and noted the ciphers his latest two lectures had added to if, " peopla sometimes ask-me : ' What's the good of trying to find tbe North Pole ? ' " — "Why do they call ib football? " asked -thsold lady who did not understand the game. And the cynical man, whoss college days have become merely a memory, answered: "It's because they" carry the ball tinder their arms and kick each other/ — "I thir>k I'll get out and stretch my legs a little,"- said the tall man as the, train fetopped at a station. " Ob, don't," said a fellow passenger who had been much tmbarrassed by the legs of his tall companion — *' don't do that. Tney are too long already." — " Why is it you never come around to see us any more, Charley? Have we evec done anytbicg to offend you ? "—"" — " No, it's nothing yon've done; but if yon insist upon having the truth, it's your children." — " Our children 1 Why, what on earth do you mean 1 " — " You see, they've got old enough to recite now." — When you hear a musician boasting that he can play a tune on any wind instrujnpnt, take him to the nearest meteorological office, and simply point to the revolving contrivance on the roof known as a wind velo-city-recording affair. He won't offer to clamber up snd entertain you to a selection, and you won't be troubled with bis exaggerations any more. BETWEEN THE LINES. My dear Miss Bonds, your eyes pray lift (If this don't win her I am lost !) And deign to view my humble gift (I hate to think about its cost !) ; May it find favour in your sight (And bring about the end I seek !), Although its value is but slight (I'll have to fast at least a week !). — On one occasion the driver of a prison van, generally known as v Black Maria," distinguished himself by his rsady wit. A would-be wag on the footpath bailed him with, " Got any room inside, Robert 1 " " There's room for one," replied the driver ; "we kep' it for you," Not entirely disconcerted, the wit made another shot. " What'e your fare?" he asked. The answer, however, entirely extinguished him, for the driver replied, " Bread and water— same aa jou bad before.'*