FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2293, 10 February 1898, Page 41

FUN AND FANCY.

— "George describes the girl he is engaged to as a perfect vision." — " Yes. And his sister just says that ehe is a perfect sight." — Sturdy Mendicant : " Please spare me a, cooper, eir." Benevolent Old Gentleman : " Certainly, my man. Here's one just coming round the corner." — " What is the worst thing about riches 1 " asked a school teacher of a boy. " Thsir scarcity," he replied, and was immediately rewarded with a prize. — She : " How are yon gettisg on with your bicycling, Captain Vert 1 " He (a beginner) : "Ob, splendidly — getting on about every two minutes." — Twice Oae. — First Author: "Have you heard that our chum Smithers has married?" Sscond Author: "Yes; he wanted to double his circle of readers." — Miss Prim (quoting) : " Wise men make proverbs and fools repeat them." Miss Smart (musingly) : " Yes ; I wonder what wise man made the one just repeated 'I " — Jabbers : " I woke up last night and found a burglar in my room." Havers : " Catch him ? " Jebbers : " Certainly not I I'm not making a collection of burglars." — "I shall never marry I " declared Miss Elderley in a tone meant to be firm. " Don't say that," answered her best friend, Florence. "Women older than you have had proposals." CHILD AND MAN. Ye babe that crieth for ye moon So shortly after birth Is father to ye grown-up man That yelUth for ye earth. — Wifie : " Hastily. Fred, I must say I thick you are the worse-dressed man in the / town." Hubby : " And you, my dear, are the best-dressed woman, which accounts for it." — Benton : " What's the use of all this athletic business in university life ? " Fenton : "It makes the undergraduates who can't pass their examinations eligible for the police force." — A : " You oay that the cashier is mysteriously missing?" B: "Yes." A: "And that £10.000 of the bank's funds is also gone 1" B: " Yes." A : " Then where is the mystery abuut it ? " — "I ehonld fancy the laundry business waß about as easy as any to start." — "What makes you think so 1 " — " All you have to do is to lay in a supply of starch." — " Yes." — " That'll starch you all right." — "The charge agaissfc you, prisoner," said the msgistrate, "is that you were caught in the act of purloining haberda? hery," — '-It ain't co, y*r honor, an'-t'ne cop know^s it. All I was doing was stealin' neckties." — Philanthropist : " What brought you to this place, my man 1 " Convict : "It was all along of a fondness for books." Philanthropist : " Ah, literary character." Convict : " Pocket books, for instance." — Old Lady : " You said the train I should take leaves at 10.30, didn't you ? " Booking Clerk : " Yee, raadam ; and I thiLk I've told you that about ten times already." Old Lady : " Yes, I know you have ; but my little nephew says he likes to hear you talk." — " Do I not detect a traco of brandy in this mince pie, madam 1 " asked the tramp at the door. " Ye.°, my good man, you do," replied the gocd woman; "but don't be alarmed, there's not enough to intoxicate you." " That's what I'm alarmed about, madam." — Blunderly (looking at female portrait) : " Great gracious I What a hideous face. Where did you ficd that sitter?" Artist (coldly) : " That, sir, is a portrait of my sister." Blunderly: "I beg your pardon. My mistake, I'm sure. After all, I ought to have noticed the family res emblance." — "Can you lend me lOdoH " asked the two-headed girl of the fat lady. "Guess I can," said the fat lady ; " but you don't mean to tell me you have spent all your salary already 1 " " I— l didn't mean to," replied the two-headed gir?, almost in tears, " but there was such a lovely vase put; up at auction, and I got to bidding against myselc before I thought."

HE WAS ANGRY. There wes a man who had a clock, His name was TNEatthew Mp*»rg, lie wound it reg'Jar pvsry night For four-and-ttf enty years ; A-iid when this piecous timepiece proved An eight-day clock to be, *- madder man than Maiiltew Ueais You wouldn't wish to see.