FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2288, 6 January 1898, Page 41

FUN AND FANCY.

— Troubles are like babies — they grow largsr by rjursing. — It is usually very unlucky for the mouse that meets a black cat.

— This is a thankless world. A man gets no credit when he pay 3 cash.

— Everybody can tell how somebody succeeded by following his advice.

— It is characteristic of Opportunity that She always shuts the door after her.

— Practice may not make the lawyer perfect, but enough of it will make him rich.

— The less the average man knows about a thing the more he wants to talk about it.

— Don't exaggerate. If you repeat a story exactly as it was told to you, you are exaggeratißg enough.

— His View of It. — " Why don't you work? Why do yon go around begging ? "—"" — " Well, mum, if you think' beggin' isa'c work, just try it."

— •' Have you ever been at Cork 2 " asked a gentleman of Foote. " No," said the great humourist : " but I've seen many drawings of it."

— After a man discovers how little he knows he begins feo suspect that possibly others do not know as much as they pretead.

— Ifc ia the man who has always been Eccastomed ta cabbage and bacon at home who does the most grumbling at a first-class hotel.

— Tommy : " Papa, I'd like to be a good singer." Papa : " I'll get you a position in a church choir, and then you'll have some chants to learn."

— Husband (reading the paper) : " What donkeys some men will make of themselves I " Wife : " Now, John, what have you done this time 1 "

— Tommy : " Daddy, what's a pessimist ? " Tommy's Daddy : " A pessimist, my boy, is a man who believes tbe whole world's liver is out of order because his own is."

— " No, thank you ; I've got some money of raj own," said Tommy politely as tbe offertory plate passed in front of him on the occasion of his first visit to ohurcb.

— Yt/unghusband (humorously) : " I wish I were sirgle." Mrs V. : " You horrid thirg I Whut would you do?' — "Get married to you, darling."—" Yon dear man I "

— Mamma : " Where's papa ? " Flossie : "He's downstakd." Mamma-: "What's he doi»g ? " Flossie : " His bicycle is out of breaff, and he's Riving ifc some more." — " What's Mrs Breezsly in such a stew" about ? " — "She asked tbe pleasure of Lieutenant Slick's company to, tea, and he appeared on the scene with 40 of his men."

— Mrs Cuinsa: "Your husband dresses very quietly." Mrs Cawker : " Does he 1 You ought to hear him when he can't fiad his collars or his sleevelinks become mislaid."

— Popular Curate (replying to Testimonial Committee on tbe day of his departure from the parish) : " I shall always look upon this day as one of the very happiest in my life."

— In the Museum. — Visitor: "What is there peculiar about that bicycle ? " Manager : " It's the only brand in existence on which the world's records were never broken."

— " Well," said the smiling and leisurely caller to the busy editor, " I haven't bothered you for quite a while." "That is true," replied tbe busy editor; "but there have been plenty of other boree."

— " That's a .fine solid baby of yours, Middleton," said a friend who was admiring the first baby. "Do you think he's solid ? " asked Middleton, rather disconsolately. " Ifc seems to me as if he was all holler."

— A country dealer sent to London for a copy of a little book called "Happy Husbands." The work not being procurable, the country dealer received a note stating that there were no " Happy Husbands " in Loudon.

— There Is a story ' of a Scottish 11 original " who, when asked by some young ladies to cross a doubtful piece of ice to test its strength preliminary to their skating upon it, replied : " Na, na ; if I'm daft I ken inainners — leddies first."

— Mrs Short : " Now, look here, George, I thought you said you had been duck-shoot-ing 1 " Mr Short : " Yes, m'tf ear, bean duck —(hie) — shooting."— " Bat these ducks you brought home are lame ducks." — " Y-e-s* m' dear ; I tamed 'em after I — (hie)— shot 'em," — " 1 don't; believe we can use this testi-

r mooial," said fefae senior partner. "What is ifc ?" asks fche junior. "He says that he has had one of our bicycle lamps for four months, and notwithstanding the fact that it has blown np fi>e times, ifc ia almost as good as new." a husband's toast. Here's to the prettiest ; Here's to the wittiest ; Heie's to the truest of all who are true { Here's to the neatest one ; Here's to the sweetest one ; Here's to them all in one — wife, here's to you ! [ — A Persecuted S*infc. — Ethel : " I don't j bate anyone, Edfth ; but I have made up my i mind to renounce this vain, frivolous, heart- | less world and be a missionary in Africa.'' i E'iith : " Why, what's the matter 1 " Ethel : | " Papa has refused to buy me a new dress for [ the Jk-hmons' soiree."

— An Enterprising Poet. — The bailiff had just seized the first edition of the poet's sonnets. Bnt did the poet complain ? No 1 He borrowed £15, started the presses again, and placarded the book shops : " Second edition ! Marvellous success ! First edition exhausted ia one day 1 "

— A society woman found her newlymarried daughter in tears. Upon asking her what was the matter the distressed wife replied tbat'the cook had left, and that sbe herself would have to prepare her husband's dinner. " Well, I wouldn't cry about it. He may pull through after all," was fche comforting reply.

— " It's perfectly disgraceful ! " she exclaimed. — "What's the matter?" inquired her husband. — "Here's a description of a woman who gets up in public and declares herself aa anarchist." — " Well," was the rejoinder, "maybe it's all for the bosfc. I'd like to see women crowd fche males out of the anarchist business. When they throw bombs they wouldn't be so likely to bit anybody."

— Not Wasted. — " I suppose to educate your daughter in music costs a great deal of money ? " — " Yes ; but I have had a good return for it."—" Indeed ? "— '- Yes. I'd been trying to buy out my next-door neigh bour at half price for years, and could never bring him to terma until my girl began to learn to play."

— " Willie," said fche young mother to her abject slave, "you must grow a beard at occe." "What foe?" said the bewildered husband. "To amuse baby. His grandpa was here this afternoon, and ifc would have done your heart good to see bow the little darling' did eejoy pulling the old man's whiskers. He pulled some of them clean out."