FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2284, 9 December 1897, Page 41

FUN AND FANCY.

— It seems strange that when a man is taken in he usually feels put out about it.

— Not the Word. — " The play doesn't seem to draw." — "No, that it doesn't; it drags."

— Life is short, only four letters in it. Three-quarters of it is a " lie," and half of it an "if." ► — The Height of Impudence. — When your washerwoman sends your shirt home in two pieces and charges you for two garments.

— " Tommy," said the teacher, " what ia meant by nutritious food 1" " Something that ain't got no taste to it," replied Tommy. !• — Needed Change.— Judge : " Why did you ste*l this gentleman's purse? " Prisoner": ."I thought the change might do me gotfd." • — Private Murpny : " Pi&ze, Burr, I never called him ony names at all. All I said was : 1 Sergeant,' says 7, ' some of. us ought tabe in a menagerie.' " " — " Can you show me the way to the dentist's?'— "Yes. Go down that little street:, then turn the corner, and listen till you hear a shriek.'

— Algie : " Don't you think ife watber wisky to come so far alone on your bicycle ? " Stalwart Lass : " Hadn't thought of it ; but if you feel timid I'll sco you home."

— His Terrible Break.— She: "If you don't s^op your compliments I shall 'have to put my hands over my ears." He (gallantly) : " Ah 1 your hands are far too small."

— Kind Party : "If 1 give you this penny, what will you do with it 1 " Tatters (sarcastically) : " I'll be honest with you, guvnor. I'll spend it in riotous living."

— " Little Johnny opened his dram to find out where the noisa came from." — " Did he find out?" — "Yts When his father came borne, the noise came from little Johnny."

— Caller (looking at picture) : " Does your mamma paint 1 " Little Son : " Yes ; but she's done with that an' is putting on the powder now. She'll be down in a minute."

HER FIRST BIKE RIDE.

" Where are you going, my protty maid ?" " Oh, ask me not ! " she, gasping, cried. • She could not tell, for the pretty maid

Was just beginning to learn to ride.

—He (after an embarrassing pause) : "Fanny, isn't it? — to-morrow to-day will be yesterday." She: "Yes; but nob so funny as the fact that yesterday to-day was tomorrow." •v — " There's another piece in the paper about a fellow gettin' drowned while bathin'," •said W«ary Willie to Tired Tim. " Why will people run such awful risks 1 " asked Tim .wonderingiy.

— Mistaken Economy. — " I didn't wear my best bat for fear the rain would injure it."— "Well?"— "When I came home, however, it was a perfect wreck just the same ; cook bad worn it."

— Doc: Fancier : " Yes, madam, I have all kinds of dogß heie. Is there any particular breed you wish 2 Old Lady (who reads the papers): "Ob, anything that's fashionable. Let me see an ocean greyhound."

— " Am I to take the medicine Internally or apply it externally?" asked the lady customer of the chemist who was fillisg her prescription. " Whichever pleases you, madam ; the stuff is perfectly harmless."

— They Do Not Speak.— He: "Winkle isn't even friends with the girl who bvoke off her engagement with him, is he 1 " She : " Ob, no. When she sent back the ring by express she labelled it ' Glass, with care.' "

— Uncle Eben's Wisdom. — "I can't help Wonder'm'," said a coloured philosopher, "ef a lot o' dem folks dats a-gwine to Klondyke wouldn't git rich anyhow ef dey was willin' Jto work as hahd at home as dey 'll hevter up dar."

— Mrs S. (wearily) : " I know everything that we eat is adulterated. Bat what can we do ? We must trust our grocer." Mr S. . (drearily) ; "Ab, yes, Delia, true— very true ; and if — if — if our grocer would only trußt us ! "

— Quite Ready for Him. — " Have all the preparations been made for the reception of the poet 1 " — " Oh, yes ; I have just cut the leaves of his collected works and put them on the table where he can't help seeing them."

— Wrote His Own Proverbß. — " He gives twice who gives quickly," urged the collector earnestly. " True," responded Snagge calmly ; " bat I've often noticed that he who gives slowly very frequently doesn't have to give at aIU"