FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2260, 24 June 1897, Page 41

FUN AND FANCY.

— - ♦ — Advice is a good thing in its place, bnt it isn't everyone who can hit the place. Although Fortune knocks at every man's door once she doesn't always give a loud tap. — If most of us had our lives to live ovar | again we should only make another lot of big mistakes. — It is easy to learn something about everything, but difficult to learn everything about anything. — The person who is afflicted with kleptomania always feels that he ought to take something for it. He : "Do you know I think you are a most singular girl ? " She (coyly) : " I assure you it isn't from choice." — Robson : "So you were married on the day of the election, were you 1 You didn't vote, then 1 " Yabsley : " No ; I was paired." — Draper's Assistant : " Would you like to look through some of oar blankets, madam ? " Customer : " No ; I want some that you oan'fc look through." — The acme of politeness was reached by a mining superintendent who posted a placard reading : " Please do not tumble down the sbaft." — He : "If we should decide to elope tomorrow night, do you think you could get your trunk, packed in time?" She: "Oh, yes ; pa and ma would help me." Swell (severely): "I nevah give to beggahs *in the Btreet I " Beggar (with sarcasm) : " Gie's yer card, then. I shall be mos' nappy to call on your lordship I " ~~ CHANGES SDIT. /IK When one is still a bachelor, His mind runs all on hearts ; But after he's a married man, To clubs he soon departs. — Some Hope. — Wicks : " There is one thing I will say for Blaster : he never talks about his own writings." Hicks: ".I am glad to hear that. Where there's a sense of shame there's always some hope of reformation." Exchanging Compliments. — "I see that you are your own washerwoman," said Mrs Spitely, who was leading her poodle past the place. "Yes," retorted MrsSnapley; "bnt, thank goodness, I'm not reduced to playing nursegirl for a dog." — " What's the gloaming, Uncle Tom 1 "— " Well, before a man is married it is the time to take a walk with the girl he loves ; but after he is married it is the time he falls over rocking horses and building blocks on the sitting-room floor." ' • — "I suppose you suspect what I came for?" he said, as he prepared to ask her father for her hand. " Ob, yeß," replied the j father ; " you want to borrow money ; but I j haven't a penny to lend." And the young man j deferred his proposal. : — Pretty Teacher (severely) : " Johnny 1 Johnny Stubbs ! You are whispering again." Johnny (a Btnart boy) : " Please, I am only telling Winnie Winkles what nice things all the gentlemen said about you when you walked along the Btreet." More Matrimonial Comment. — Husband: " There's one thing I can say for myßelf, anyhow — I have risen by my own efforts." Wife : " Never in the morning, John. It takes two alarum' clocks and all the members of- the household to get you up then." wot's the use? Wot's the use o' eatin', say ? Gotter eat again. Wot's the use f go t' sleep ? Gittin' up's sech pain. Work until yer simply lame— Nex' day gotter work the same \ — Neat. — Jokes by judges are not always " thin." A breach of promise case was being heard, and counsel for complainant said defendant was " something on the railway — he could not say what." "Evidently the shunting department," said the judge ; and there was "loud laughter." — " Why 1b it," said the Kensington youth, " a beautiful woman n,ever is. intellectual 1 " "In all probability," replied tho Hampstead sage, " she is ; but when a man gets in the presence of a beautiful woman he never has aense enough left to know whether Bbc is intellectual or not." — Consulted Her. — " How did you happen to insure in that particular company 1 " — " I consulted the wishes of my wife." — " Of course ; that's very praiseworthy. But— does Bhe know anything about life insurance companies ? "—"" — " Yes. She investigated, and found that this one always issues the prettiest calendars/