FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2231, 3 December 1896, Page 41

FUN AND FANCY.

— Why is the North Pole like an illicit Tfhißky manufactory?— Because it's a secret BtilL — Necessity is not only the mother of Invention, bat usually the only reward of the . inventor. - — " Nellie : " Isn't your love lor him very , sudden?" Bella: " Well, .his aunt died very suddenly." — Most of the time. When we are wondering what' people think about as they are thinking about themselves. — The hostess : " I suppose there is no use In asking you to stay to dinner % " The caller : " Not in that way." > —^Everyone will rejoice when the flying machine is perfected; We shall all be able to visit our castles in the air. — Accommodating. — •• Waiter, thissteakis terribly bard to out." — "All right, sir ; bring you another knife in a minute." — " Why do you laugh at his stale jokes ?" "If I did not laugh he would think I did not understand the jokes', and would try to explain them." — " Hobson 1b the most vacillating man I ever met. Ha never sticks to one thing a month at a time." — " Yea never lent him a j fiver, aid you?" — MBn could learn a mighty convincing lesson from the fish. They never get into very serious trouble as long as they keep their mouths shot. —•• Darling I " he saia. " Dearest 1 " Bhe replied. Then the woman who sat opposite ceased to wonder whether they were on their wedding trip or not. — She was married to her third husband, and they had had a quarrel. "I guessed how it would be, William »" she said. " You're as bad as the others." ' — Violinist i "How" can you' say that musicians are all gamblers ? " The Cheerful ' Idiot ; " Well, they give up their whole lives to playing for money, don't -they 1 " — Economical. — Mrs Sweet: *'Do you " find it economical to do your own oookiug? " ' Mrs Bnrnem: "Oh, -yes; my husband doesn't eat half as much as he did when we had a cook." — Mistress of the House (taking her servant to tßsk): "Bridget, I am afraid you have broken your word." Bridget (absentmindedly): "Share, ma'am, it must have •been the cat.' 1 — Cbuml6y(who meets a lady Mend in rational dress): " Bah Jove I Miss Newman, I thought you were a man, dontoherknow ? " ' Miss Newman : " I never made any such mistake abonfc you, Mr Obumley." —Mr Whiffle (reading) : " The Empress of Austria Buffer* from insomnia." Mrs Whiffle (meditatively): "Well, no wonder. I'm sare if I was an empress I'd be so proud of it I oouldn't Bleep a wink." a — Judge : " You attacked this gentleman ; you knocked him down and robbed him of bis watch." Prisoner: "Your honour is right ; bat if I had not taken the initiative, who can tell that he might not have done the same tome?" —"I saw Mrs Shopper going into an suction sale last Monday. Isn't her craze for bargains extraordinary?" — "Yes, indeed. I believe she would die happy if she knew she would be laid out on a bargain counter, and *be buried as a remDant."' ' — Officer: "How is this, Murphy— the sergeant complains that you call him names?" Private' Murphy: "Plaze, surr, I never called him ony names at all. All I said was, 'Sergeant,' says I, 'some of us ought to be ia a menagerie.' " . -. _ «,Magl" No answer. "Maggie I "he called softly. Complete silence. " Madge 1"• Not a sound. " Margaret 1 " Then he whistled softly before making his final effort. " Marguerite!" And a flute-like voice replied in the distance : " Yes, darling ? " <■' — The wicked, witty prodigal returned, and in his old manner accosted his father : "Well, governor, I've come back. Are you going to kill the fatted calf?" But the old man was a match for him, and said, " No, my son ;' I think I'll let yon live I " — A .yonng lady of very extraordinary capacity lately addressed the following letter to her cousin . «' We iB all well ; and mother's got the bis Terrix ; brother Tom is got the Hupin Kaugh; and sister Ann has got 'a babee; and I hope these few lines will find - you the same. Bite sune. Your aphectionate kuzzen,"

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