" I Am Seven."

Otago Witness, Issue 2210, 9 July 1896, Page 38

" I Am Seven."

Respectfully dedicated to the Premier, Colonial Treasurer, Postmaster-general, Minister for Labour, Minister for Nativo Affair*, Commissioner of Customs, and Minister in charge of the Government Insurance department. A simple patriot— just plain Dick, — That lightly draws bis screw,— A guileless f pal,— how should he know That four is two and tiroP— I met a " Liberal" Minister. "I'm fifty-one," he- raid. II An age," quoth I, " when man should cease To stand upon his head. "Weary you seem,in need of rest; And yefc it's but eleven ; Wherefore this thusness ? " "0' my friend ! The fact is / am seven ! " "Just now you mentioned fifty-one! . And yefc you're-seven, you sty i :. Explain thh very puzzling thing Before you go away." " It's plain," he answered ; " plain as is The cose upon your face ; ' I tell you that Fun seven, insnj Pity my hapless case." . " And can it be that you'ee bub aeven ? So burly and so .sage! ' It'« very certain that you ara A fine boy for your age. " Bub what becomes of fifty-one, You story-telling lad ? ( To hoax a *trauger in that wayIt's bad— 0, very bad ! " You know you. can't be fifty-one And at the same time seven ; Such" silly yarns are no more true Thau three times three's eleven." "You're jitupid," sullenly he said ; • Thtrn turned his glance to Heaven : " o,'can it be that you won't see I'm fifty-one and seven ? " For Brother Reeves has gone away To far-off London, neighbour, (That word's for rhyme), and co, of course I'm Minister of Labour. •' And Brother Joe has likewisa gone— Ye Posvers, keep up my pecker 1 For in his will dear Brother Joe

Has left me the Exchequer. "I've given 'DafeooV to someone elso» To slightly ease my weight ; Were it not bo, instead of seven

Thiß day I should b3 eight. •' I'm Premier ttill— that's quite enough "—

And here he wept aloud— " I'm Postmaster and Maori's man—

Iv short, sir, I'm a crowd. ?| JSo now the reason of my woe ' Is known to you and Heaven ;— Go, straugor, go and tell the world, ' He is net one, buc seven -! ' " "Not^/fy-one, you menn," I said; But (in the uptake slow) He murmured, " Call my brothers backDear Brothers Reeves and Joe 1 " 'Tvras time to leave the luckless wight ;

I breathed a prayer to Heaven ; 11 Farewell," I said ; " farewell," said he— " Keinember ! / am seven 1 "

" English as She is Spoke at the Universities" vras the heading of a pleasant little dialogue that appeared, in Punch a few years ago. Two undergraduates are discovered in a room. Qae of them, who has been engaged in literary composition, turns round and askfi his friend : "■ I say* Gu», will this do ? 'Mr Smith presents Ms compliments to Mr Jones, and finds he has got a )iat which isn't mine ; so if you've got a hat which isn't his, no doubt, tbey are the ones' " Gus gives an admiring assent. (I have quoted from memory, so that, should a word or two be misplaced, pray don't trouble to write, Mr Pedantic Qaidnuac.) This aoademic story came back to my mind as I read. Sir Robert's remarks upon English ax. shl is spoke by a Ministerially prompted G jvernor. Those remarks, as I predioted a fortnight ago, make very good reading. The Governor's Speaoh, as< printed in the Daoedio papers, wbs, I grieve to say, a doctored production. P«rchance the grammatical telegraphist could not bring himself to transcribe' the Ministerial blunders: or it may be that the sub-editor, or the printer, or the reader made those ill-advised corrections which turned a literary gem into a thing of mere careless common place. Whoever the meddler may have been, he did not well*, and" Messrs Bichard Seddoh and John M'Kenz'.e (who, I take it, were the " the on«s "> have clear ground of complaint against him. If Avtemus Ward's printer had corrected his "copy" by the aid of the Standard Dictionary, the gratitude of the talented author would have been frequent and painful and free. Not but that the printer and the reader deserve our sympathy ; and, remembering what they have to go through, I am half inclined to withdraw nij animadversions. If those corrections had not been made, and it bad turned out that "the ones " had, after all, put grammar into the vice-regal mouth, scorn and censure would have been the lot of printer and reader. Artemua'a own definition of "traters" has' a bearing upon the case. "Traters, I will here remark, are a onfortnit class of people. IE they wasn't they wouldn't be traters. They conspire to bust up a country — they fail, and they're traters. They bust her, and they become statesmen and heroes." And Arfcemus instances King Riohavd lll— no scandal about Mr Setidon— who " was a conspirator of the basist dye, and if he'd failed, he would have been, hung on a sour apple treo. Bub he succeeded, and became great. He was slewd by Col. Richmond, but he lives in history." In a word, nothing succaeds like success— a truth for printers as well as " traters."

Is it true tbat the Premier and the Minister for Lande— the aforesaid "ones'" — were appointed a sub-committee of the Cabinet for the pnrpose of drawing up the Speech from the Throne ? If so, then some credit may perhaps be attached to the following report :— Scene : dbinefc Council. Sub - committee (Premier and Minister for Lands) as* seinbled.

Prera. : " How are you getting on with your Darasra&hs* John P Tliere'o so time to lose, ao

never mind about that extra polish of yoors<k Ha ! ha ! " ' ' M. for L. i "You're not a Siaet* yourself, Dick ; so stow your obaff. But W» & narty jotf, there's no mistake, *nd all pomes of your iiwistiing on letting Reeves 'go to London. ' It's true I couldn't ar-e&x his stuck-up ways, but ho was useful on occasions like the present. Fearful tommy ro6 this Governor* Speech business, and when I'm Prom——" Prera. t " Eh ? What's th*b you say, John ?" M. for L. « "I was only asking you whethet this would do, Dick,— • My Advisers nays tbtlb the critics of the Land department i« the biggojfi liars in New Zealand, and fseta is chid? that winna ding ; and John M'KftrzWs not th" ra»n to care for what Tory mcnopoliofc* a»ys, wad my Advisers ' What on earth are you laughinf at, Dick Seddon ? I'd have you know " Prom, s " All right, Jock. Never mine! about the piokle bottle. I wonldn't hurt yout Highland feelings for the world ; but we really can't ask the Governor to talk like that, ycu know." M. for L. t " Ash him, is it ? .Tell him ! That's the word for me.," Prem. : •',Bjifc John— now don't g«t tiledbub your grammar is nil oufc." > -„ . - M, for L. i " Grammar be— Glasgow'dJ Anyr how, it's the flrgfc time I knew that you,' we* an authority on the subject. Let's hear a ofiunk of yours." Prem. (reads): "'My Advisers . possetsing the confidence of the country, which is beyond reasonable critioism, in the opinion of the Liberal party, as cannob he gainsaid, and ara?ni opinion, seeing that the state of the country, which is happily most satisfactory and the best of all possible Governments, you will be invited without delay to pass » bill. .My Advisers having ' What's fcho matter with you, John M'Keusie ?" M. for L. : " Gome, Dick, il'd no go. Let ub cry quits and see if Job Ward oan help us. You and I wasn't meant for littery characters." [The Hon. J? G. W. is added to the subcommittee, and the doubtful production of June 11 is eventually turned out.]

I regret to observe that Mr. Kelly's little bill for the " Abolition of Susan's Sunday Out" has received scanty courtesy at the hands of tho Southern Cross League at Wellington. Lady Stout was particularly severe upon it, but that of courge is because the proposal does not go far enough. So far as I can gather Lady S twin's method of alleviating the strain of domestic duties is to reduco the number of babies. In the present unsatisfactory state of the law concerning infanticide, however, the process is attended with ' some "danger, but no doubt in the near future we shall have our Approval of Infanta department, with, of course, inspectors in every town, whoße duty it will be to "pass" all such infants as can produce satisfactory _proof of freedom from hereditary unsoundness. No doubt the public require educating up to that point at which they will regard infants from the same standpoint a> we now do puppies and kittens, but now that women have taken to the study of physiology and cognate subjects the process of education may not be a protracted one ; therefore such measures as that proposed by Mr Kelly are only calculated to go «kln detp. Advanced women want more radical measures. Instead of saying so, however, the artful daughter! of Eve (i£ I may be pardoned for supposing that tbe story of Adam and Eve is not an exploded fiction with the Southern Cross Le»gac) use . argument! worthy of theSmaet conservative of Primrose Dairies. " The girls do Dot want a halfholiday," "ifc 18 quite unworkable," and io on— precisely the arguments th'Rt "were used against the granting of the franohise to women. Singularly enough, Lndy Stout omitted the strongest argument against the bill, which is that .making a weekly halfholiday compulsory through the week would deprive Snsan of her Sunday out. To such an innovation Susan (not to speak of Susan's young man) is likely to have something to say ; for who would purchase liberty at the cost of love 1

A country "Bnmpkin ' writes ,to mo enclosing a dipping from the " Ofcago Daily Times" which contains reference to the precautions taken by a Sydney football referee. He anticipated trouble, and went on the field armed with a revolver ; and with this he cowed his assailants. VBampkin" is in some trepidation, for it appears he ban been asked to officiate as referee, and wants to know whether Dunediu referees go on to the field in the mann«r indicated. Well, I ' cannot say.- I have seen a good many foot* ball raatohes, and if the referee has been armed with a revolver ha has invariably concealed it. Bat I may tell "Bumpkin" that I have seen a whole team armed with pocket pistols. Likewise there is invariably 1 a fair sprinkling of "guns" among the spectators. I rather think referees rely on armour plating. They Are mostly voteran players, and have only survived several seasons of football because of the impenetrability of their epidermis and the peculiarity of Ibeir cranial development. They have already ran the gauntlet, and scorn the effeminate attacks of to-day. To a man who has had such a training a weapon suoh as a revolver would be a superfluity. For football not only develops the body ; it cultivates the finer qualities of the mind. In the 6crums, I believe, irony is cultivated to a very large excent. A retired footballer tells with glee bow in the good old days when Hbratiu3 kept the bridge, he and an opposing forward had quite an enjoyable little five minutes rough-and-tumble in the mud, right in the middle of a .scram, without anybody being a bit the wiser. Although it must bo admitted that the pair were rather selfish in ao monopolising the fun, the reminiscence is instructive. What does'sueh a referee want with, a revolver? Haßn't he got a far more deadly Oivis.

weapon— his tongue ?

The Government has taken a new departure, by appointing what are to be known as military cadets. Three young meu have been »6ationea at tha forts at Wellington for training, ftnd have received a promise th*fc if they succeed iv passing the necessary examiuation they will be guzetted junior officers iv the Permanent Artillery. Another one is to be taken on probation at an early date. Ib ia proposed, if the cadets are found to be efficient, to station ona fct eaoh of the four prinoipal ports.

Every one with a garden should grow one of Nimmo& Blair's Japanese " Crimson Rambler Roses. Ifc is the wonder of the ueriod in olftntß. Piwti . 6s and 2s 6d &u&>