FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2201, 7 May 1896, Page 41

FUN AND FANCY.

>- The man whoaays nothing is never misquoted.

— A man can easily have his own way by Hot wanting it.

— It takes a man half his life to learn that the is just an ordinary individual and not a genius.

— " Why didn't you. marry her ? "—"" — " Opposition in her family."--" Her father 1 "—" No herself."

.—. — Every man believes that it is better to give than to receive when it comerto a question of advice.

— Every man has an idea that if he had been in Adam's place the earth would still he ft Garden of Eden.

— Selfishness is the meanest and most contemptible of all vices— other people's selfishness, that is.

— What will Mr Chamberlain gay to President Kruger when they meet 2 " Give us your Rand, old boy." — Conscience is like an alaum clock. If you don't pay attention to it, it will soon cease to wake you up. ** — " Madam, what is classical music ?" — "Oh I don't ycu know ? It's the kind that you have to like whether yon like it or not." — " Mamma," asked the little girl, peering In between two uncut leaves of the magazine, "how did they ever get the printing in there?" What Is the difference between a church b«ll and a pickpocket I — One peals from the steeple and the other steals from the people. — Cross-eyed waiter (after the collision) z "Why don't you look where you're going?" Swond Waiter: "Why don't you go where you're looking 2 " —An Example.— Mrs Triwet : "Do yoH think the animals have a language ? " Mr Triwet: "Well, I have often heard of deer Stalking."— Judge. — You can make an enemy more miserable by tickling his feet with the feather of satire than by pounding him with the sledgehammer of abuse.

— " Have you and George had a qnarrel, Clara?" "No, indeed. It is getting too near my birthday for me to qnarrel with George, dear fellow." Young^Lady (timorously) : " Who was that screaming just now ? " Dentist : " Don't be alarmed. It was a patient who was being treated free of charge."

"How to Raise a Boy" is the laading article in a magazine for Sunday reading. The best way known is to show the boy a telegraph pole that overlooks a circus. 11 Are you satisfied that the team I sold yoa is well matched I" Victim: "Yes, they're well matched. One is willing to Work, and the other is satisfied to let him."

1 A. : " Why do you always prefix the word ■dictated' to your letter? I sea you don't keep a secretary." B. : " No ; but to tell the truth, old chap, my spelling's rather rocky."

— Huebaud : " Yes, dear, you look nice in that dress; but it cost me a heap of money I " Wife: " Freddie, dear, what do I care for money when it is a question of pleaV ir.gy.iu I" If.'— He : " Would It make you very sad If I Rhould tell you I was going to marry someone else ? " She (who doesn't show the desired anxiety about accepting him): "I should be, Jack, if the girl were a very near and dear friend of mine."

— A fashionable hairdresser, who went from house to house to dress ladies' hair during the carnival, was met by a friend, who aaked : " Why is it that you look so serious 1 " — " How can it be otherwise," said the barber, •* seeing that I have se much head work t "

— The Widow's Consolation.— A father in consoling bis daughter, wbo had lost her husband, said : " I don'fc wonder you grieve for him, my child; you will never find his equal." " I don't know that I can," responded the sobbing widow, "but I'll do my best." The father felt comforted.

A famous English lawyer once made the assertion in the presence of several ladies that no woman ever wrote a letter without a postscript, A certain Lady G who was prevent resented the lawyer's statement, and added : "My next letter to you shall refute yon." A week or two later the lawyer received the letter, and a most entertaining one it was*; but after her signature Lady G wrote: "P.S. — Who is right now, yon or 17"

' Fully Occupied.— A couple of ladies wera Conversing about one thing and another, after the manner of women. "Mrs Sarapleby has net been to see me in a long time," remarked one of the ladies. " She hasn't got time to make calls," said the other. " She ■ has to take oare of, and be with, her husband all the time." "I didn't know that he was Si." "Of course he isn't ill. On the contrary, he is in the enjoyment of the best health If he was ill she wouldn't have to watch him all the lime." NEURALGIA, ♦ NERVOUSNESS, TOOTH ACBE, WEAKNESS, AND GENERAL DEBILITY QUICKLY AND POSITIVELY CURED BY CLEMENTS TONIC. WHICH RESTORES THE VIGOUR, SNAP, AND HEALTH OF YOUTH. Me James Neili,, Middlemarch, New Zealand, writes on October 2, CTOBDOF 1894:-" I have found Fains in Back Clements Toaio to be a _ , wonderful medicine. I have AKD Kn>NE*S. hfxn troubled with pains in my back and kidneys for about three years. I fcsve tried all sorts of remedies, but they all failed. A friend of mine advised me to try Clements Tonic, but after trying so many, medicines, I thought it almost useless to try any more. I really believed my case ta be hopeless, but my friend would not be denied. He gent me two bottles of Clements Tonic, which I commenced to take, and before I had finished the first bottle I discovered my friend knew what he was recommending, and I am very grateful to him , also to you. I cud with confidence and sincerity recommend Clements Tonic io any person tuffering from kidney complaint. | took about eight small "bottles of Clements Tonic, which resulted in a complete cure.— l >m , >O uts truly, James Nfflii. lUddleou&m. How Zealand*'' v.