FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2086, 15 February 1894, Page 39

FUN AND FANCY.

— A Hindustani work on music says that 11 music is the painfully acquired art of speaking very loud in a shrill voice." Doubleday : " Jones is taking lessons in wood carving." Podmore: "What for?" Doubleday : "He thinks it will be useful to him at the table at his boarding house." — Lovejoy (as he is about to leave, after his rejection) : " Come, Miss Spurner, help me on with my overcoat. Since you cannot be my wife, you may at leaßt be a sister to me." — Merely Habit. — Hicks : ."Smeddle always speaks well of ever j body." Wicks : » Mere matter of habit. He worked at cutting out tombstone epitaphs for several years." "Why don't you shoot ? " asked a friend of Fitznoodle while they were out for a day's sport. " I don't see anything to shoot at 1 " "What difference does that make? You never hit anything." — « My friend," said the old gentleman, "to what end has your life-work been directed ? " "To the head end," murmured the barber, and then silence fairly poured. It didn't merely reign. — " John," said his wife, " what are you doing?" "Working out a problem," he replied. " What problem ? " "As to which we can better afford to do— buy coal or use the furniture for fuel." "What makes the weather so uncertain ? " aßked the man with his coat buttoned up to his chin. " I suppose the thermometer must have taken a drop too much," replied his friend with a shiver. — Mrs Nuwed : " Henry, that new cook of ours is some relation to the one we just discharged." Mr Nuwed: "My dear, how on earth do you know ? " Mrs Nuwed : " Well, the policeman on this beat is her cousin too." Mrs Blumer : "lam afraid that young man in the parlour is trying to kiss Clara. I thought I beard her cry out." Blumer : " Heavens I Let me go in at once." Mrs Blumer : " Yon can't get in, my dear. She has locked the door." Clara : " Edwin, I had the most charming dream about you last night." Edwin : " What was it, Deatie ? " " Why, I dreamed you had your diamond scarf-pin made into a beautiful ring for my Christmas present. I certainly was disappointed when I woke up." — Exchange of Shots. — Maud : " Dick seems to be very timid. He was afraid to kiss me last night." Maria :" I don't think he is timid. He kissed me the other night." Maud (spitefully) : " That does not show he isn't timid. He probably was afraid to refuse." — "Just think," 3aid Watts, impressively, " it takes 12,000 microbes to form a procession an inch long." "That information might be of some value," responded Potts, II if microbes were in the habit of forming processions, instead of attending strictly to business." * — " Now, pupils, I would like to have you call each other by your right names. Don't say Sam when a boy's name is Samuel, or Dan for Daniel." A small boy jast then raised hia hand, and when asked what he wanted said, " Please, sir, may I sit with Jimuel 1 " — Indignant Customer : " I sent you a number of new collars last week, and when they came back they were all frayed and ragged." The Laundry Lady (sympathetically) : " Lor now, sir, it's too bad. It's surprisin' what inferior goods some shops turn out, isn't it ? " — Dora : " Oh, I'm in such distress of mind, and I want your advice. » I am loved by three men, and I don't know which to accept ? " Clara : " Wbich one has the most money ? " Dora : "If I knew that, do you suppose I'd waste precious time running about for advice ? " f> • — Benevolent Party : "My man, don't you think fishing is a cruel sport ? " Angler : *' Cruel 7 Well, I should say so 1 I have sat here six hours and have not had a bite, been nearly eaten up by gnats and stung by two wasps, andthesun has just taken all the skin off the back of my neck." Oau?e and Effect.— Overheard in a tratnear: "The doctors can say what they please, but I know it's simply flyin' in the face o' natur 1 to bring a baby up on a bottle. There's Mary Jane Riley's baby; she tried bringing it up on milkman's milk, and it just went and died of water on the brain." — An Argyllshire elder was asked how the kirk got along. He said : " Aweel, we had 400 members. Then we had a division, and there were only 200 left; then a disruption, and only ten of us left". Then we had a heresy trial ; and now there is only me and ma brither Duncan left, and I ha 1 great doots Qf Duncan's orthodoxy."