FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2085, 8 February 1894, Page 39

FUN AND FANCY.

— He who receives a good turn should never forget it; be who does one should never remember it. — Professor A. : " Whom do you regard as the greatest linguist of the age 7 " Professor B. : " Mrs B."

— An amatenr would rarely take part in a concert if he didn't believe he could do better than he really can. — No man will wake up in the morning and find himself famous unless be has worked bard the day before. — " Excuse me," said the naturalist, as be again impaled the unhappy beetle, " but yon are wandering from the point." — No matter how beautifully the armless man may write with his toes, he can scarcely be said to be bandy with the pen. —" I say, Charlie, been fishing, eh 7 Got any fish in your basket 7 " Charlie (ambiguously) : " I have got a gcod eel." -r- What an amount of labour would be saved if the sweeping glances we read about would only take the dust from carpetß, — Proof Positive. — " Was the play bad 7 " •• Well, I should say it was. Why, even the gas went out at the close of the second net."

— Husband (reading the paper) : " What asses some men will make of themselves 1 " Wife: "Now, John, what have you done this time 7 "

— Novelist: "I should like. to have my heroine do something absolutely unique." Friend : " Yes ? Why don't you have ber faint when there's no one looking 7 " — Jessie : " I believe in woman's rights.' ' Gertie: "Then yon think every woman should have a vote?" Jessie: "No; but I think every woman should have a voter." — Mamma : . " N, ow, Teddy, we must all try and give up something while times are so hard." Teddy: "I'm willing." Mamma: " What will it be, dear ? " Teddy: "Soap." — When he begins to say it was his fault, and she begins to declare it was hers, walk softly out of the room. That is the kind of a difference of opinion that leads to an agreement. — His Honor : " How do you explain your being found inside Major Brown's chicken coop last night?" Uncle Tom: " Your honor, dar war chickens inside de coop, sah." — " Will you love me when I'm old 7 " she whispered. "We'll wait till you are old," he said practically ; " it's as much as I can attend to just now to love you when

you're young." — Insulted — " Ah, Sim, old boy I got a letter 7 " " Yes ; and the donkey that wrote It ought to be shot for trying to write my first name in fall." "How's that 7" "Why, he spelled it S-i-m-i-a-n 1 " — She : "But how can you think I'm pretty, when my nose turns up so dreadfully?" He: "Well.-ajl I have to say is that it shows mighty poor taste in backing away from such a lovely mouth."

— A lady purchased a nice new doormat the other morning with the word "Welcome " stamped thereon in glowing letters, and the first to come along and put his number elevens on it was a tax-gatherer.

— Sufferer (to /nonsuiting physician) : 11 My chief complaint is a ierrible sleeplessness." P. (jocularly) : " Well, I have beard that a sermon of tfie Rev. Trite Weaver is an excellent panacejft." " Unfortunately, lam the Rev Trite Weaver."

— Result 08 His Effort.— Trivvet : "Do you remember John M. Spilkins, who started out to make a name for himself 7 " Dicer : " Yes." Trivvet : "He succeeded." Dicer : "Ah 7 " Tf ivvet : " Yes ; his name now is J. Melanchthon Spilkins." — WHen He Is Dangerous. — Humorist's Wife f " You must not trouble your pa just nojtf, dear ; in bis present mood he is not to be trifled with." Humorist's Child : " What Is he doiDg, ma 7" Humorist's Wife : "He is writing things to make people laugh."

— "I thought you said you were going to brine: a friend borne to dinner with you 7 " said Mrs Chugwater. "He couldn't come, Samantha," replied Mr Chugwater, as he sat down with great satisfaction to the firßt good dinner be bad had the chance to attack for a long time. — Askem : " Where's the rich heiress you're engaged to 7 " Tellum : " You see that lovely girl in pink at the other side of the room 1 " Askem : " Yes. I say, old man, what a superb " Tellum : " Well, it isn't she. It's that grand old ruin in yellow sitting next her." — Gent. : " Doctor, when I bend my body forward, stretch out my arms horizontally, and impart to them a circular motion, I always feel such a pain in my left shoulder." Doctor: " But what need is there for you to perform such ridiculous antics 7 " Gent. : " Do you know any other way, doctor, of getting on your topcoat 7 " — Seene — An Alcove. Scion of a noble house to desirable Yankee Girl : " I have led you away froaa the giddy, thoughtless throng, Miss Van Porgue, to pour into yonr ear an old, old story." " Waal, I guess I'll see myself everlastingly, fried before I lose supper or dancing to listen to any chestnut.. You can just take me back, to mommer,"