FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2076, 7 December 1893, Page 39

FUN AND FANCY.

— " Did you ever see a shad row 1 " — " No, bat I'va s:en a sword fisb." — "You say Shouter leads a dnal life?" "Yes; he's a bull on the Stock Exchange and a bear at home." — Advertising for a situation, a man in Newport explains : " Work is not so much sn object as good wages." — Teacher: "If one man can perform a piece of work in six days, how long will it take six men to do it?" Willie: "About six weeks." Teacher : " How do ycu make that ? " Willie : " Ssx men would get up a strike." — " Are you still taking painting lessons, Mamie?" "No; I left off yesterday. I don't like my teacher." "Why not?" "He has such a disagreeable way of talking. He told me that if I kept on for come time longer I might be able to whitewash a fence." Love Mathematics. — Mrs Burns has two boyp, and loves them both tenderly. John, the younger, said : " Mamma, I love you more than you do me." " I think not, my dear. But why do you think bo ?" " Because you have two children, and 1 have only one mother." — A certain journalist, fairly wearied of his creditors' handwriting, bought a few copies of a paper the other day containing the following words anent some topic under discussion: "All correspondence on this subject must now cease." This he sent to all his duns in reply to their latest demands. — Benevolent Gentleman : "My little boy, have you no better way to spend this beautiful Sabbath afternoon than by standing in front of the gate idling away your time ? " Boy : " I ain't idling away my time. There's a young man inside with my sister who is paying me sixpence an hour to watch for pa." — The First Day Out.— Steward : "Did! you ring, sir 1 " Traveller : " Yes, steward, ; I— l rang." Steward : " Anything I can bring yon, sir ? " Traveller : " V— yes, st— steward. Bub — bring me a continent, if you have one, or an island — anything, steward, so I— lnl — long as it's solid. If you can't, sus— sink the ship." — Ned : "Do you know- Dunner, the lifeinsurance agent ? " Ted : " Yes." Ned : "Has he ever asked you to take out a policy ?" Ted : "He used to make my life a burden, until one day I gave a shriek and fell into bis arms in a sham fit. When I came to I told him I was subject to attacks of heart disease, and since then I have had peace." — There is a man who has a complete set of false teeth. He is a good man, but possesses a very irritable temper, which, much to his regret, occasionally causes him to use stroDg language. However, before he does so he always takes out his false teeth, so that nobody can understand what be cays, and it relieves his feelings juat the same. — A late judge, whose personal appearance was as unprepossessing as his legal knowledge was profound and his intellect keen, interrupted a female witness. " Humbugged you, my #ood woman ? What do you mean by that?" said he. "Well, your honor," replied the wooraD, " I don't know how to explain it exactly, but if a girl called your honor a haedsoms man, she would be humbugging you." — Tony (gloomily) : " It's depressing, Charlie. The brokers in— exchequer busted — department of interior out of fix — trousers bag at the knees — uncle has my watch— can't kick anybody for a fiver. But for one thing I should commit eurcide." Charley (sympathetically) : " Yep, and that is ? " Tony : "Cariosity, Charlie. I have a gloomy curiosity to eea how the whole blessed thing will work out." — " Now," plaintively asked the woman's rights lady, "is there a man in this congregation who has never spoken crossly to his wife ? If there is, let him ris-3." Daad silence, in the midst of which a fa*-, red-faced man of 40 solemnly rose io his feet. " Can you truly gay," said the lecturer, with a wsrning look inhereye/'thatyouhaveneverspokenasingle cross word to your wif9 1 " "I can," said the fat man, emphatically. "lama bachelor." ■ — (Sensation.) Not Guilty, but An Irish judge tried two notorious fellows for highway robbery. To the astonishment of the court, they were found " Not Guilty." Aa they were being removed, the jadgp, addressing the gaoler, Bald: "Mr Murpby, you would greatly case rq/y mind if you would keep those respectable gentlemen until 7 o'clock, or half- past, for I mean to set out for Dublin at 5 o'clock, and I should like to have at Jeast two hours' start of them."

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