EDITOR'S WALLET.

Otago Witness, Issue 2057, 27 July 1893, Page 49

EDITOR'S WALLET.

A Suggestive Name. A GOOD NAME, TOO, FOB THERE ABE 10 VE

MATCHES \'ET, THANK HEAVEN.

He was painting just outside the walls of the old German town, and near him was seated an American girl who watched his brush with critical glance. The sketch represented two peasants who were taking advantage of the noonday hour to do a little " sweethearting " in the cool shade. Above the artist and his companion the plum trees were in blossom, and as the breezes swept by they fell upon the young couple. They were on their honeymoon, haying been married in the English church in Munich, and were combining business with pleasure on their wedding trip, for it was necessary to keep the pot boiling. So he was painting the picture of the peasants beneath the wall, and, of course, they were sweethearts. In fact, he had been painting sweethearts ever since his marriage, and by some curious coincidence a remote likeness to the little woman by his side was always creeping into them. That is the reason his peasants were becoming so popular and sold so well. Upon the slope of the hill the peasants were cutting grass, and one wondered how they could maintain their position, so steep was the incline. The sunlight was blessing with beneficent rays the surrounding country. That everpresent companion of the artist painting in the country now approached them with a loud quack. He perched his head on one side and then emitted a hiss, which was partly a sound of defiance and partly a morning greeting. He was at once majestic and absurd with his assumption of dignity. I " Oh, Frank, please put that handsome goose in the picture," she exclaimed. "What, my dear; put in a goose with a couple of sweethearts ? " " Oh, yes, it would be so appropriate there in the foreground looking at them." "Do you think so? And do you think a goose would have been appropriate in the foreground during one of our courting days ?" "That is quite different; and yet I dare

say that a goose would not have been altogether out of place in the eyes of others." "Indeed." He was quite hurt, for he regarded those courting days with a great deal of reverence, and was prone to revert to them from time to time. However, he placed the goose, in the picture, and was really surprised to see how well it fitted there. Soon he put the finishing touches to the canvas, and then crossing over to his critic, seated herself by her side and surveyed the result. She nestled up closer to him, just as though they were not married. A gust of wind caused the blossoms to fall from the branch and they clung to her. The sun, which before had caused the flowers to raise their heads, was now 60 warm that they drooped again. ' ' "What name would you suggest for the picture?" he asked. She looked up at the wall, whick was covered with bright blossoms, and out over the beautiful country. Then she glanced at the figures in the picture; the happiness which was apparent in spite of the presence of the goose. She nestled up closer, and the laughter faded from her face, and a touch of sentiment appeared there as she- said softly : "Why not call it 'Under the Walls of Paradise'?" Then he kissed her lightly.— Detroit Free Press. Lost. An Irishman in a mixed company was nettled by the remark that his countrymen seldom answered a question in a straightforward manner, and challenged proof. The person who had made the statement offered to bet a couple of bottles of Trine, for the benefit of the company, that the complainant would not give direct answers to three simple questions. The representative of Hibernia at once accepted the wager, and the 1 test was applied forthwith. Were you respectably brought up ? " " I was"— this was said emphatically. " Did you ever attend school in your youth?" ' • / "I did"— this was said '.anxiously and expectantly. "Can you spell 'oaf?" "Can I spell 'cat'?"— this with all the contemptuous inflection that language could convey ; and the roar of laughter had lasted a full minute before the astonished Celt realised that his night's expenditure had been increased by the cost of two bottles of wine. Diplomacy Lost on the Tinkers. When a father found out that his son John had been courtiDg a certain farmer's daughter for a year or more without settling the question, he called him out behind the stack and said to him : " John, do you love Susan Tinker ? " " I am sure I do, dad." " And does she love you ?" •> " That's what I dunno, and I'm afraid to ask her." "Well, you'd better throw-out a 'few hints to-night and find out. It's no use wearing out boot leather unless you are going to marry her." That night at 10 o'clock John came home a wreck. His face was all scratched, his ear was bleeding, his hat gone, his coat ripped up the back, and he was covered with mud. "John,! John! What on earth is the matter ? " exclaimed the old man, laying down his paper. "Bin over to Tinker's," was the reply. "And — and — I threw out^a few hints to Susan." " What kind o' hints ? " "Why, I told her'ltt been hoofing it two miles four nights out of a week for the last year to set up with her while she sung through her nose, and now I reckoned it was time for her to brush her teeth and darn up her stockings, cure the pimple on her chin, and tell the old folks that we're engaged." " And her father kicked you out ? " "No, dad, no; that's where I'm consoled. It took the whole blessed family, including Susan, two labourers, and three dogs, and then I wasn't more'n half licked. I' guess we moved on 'em too soon, dad. I guess it wasn't quite time to throw out hints." Tom Sayers and the Clergyman. There is a true story of Tom Sayers that bears repeating. When in the height of his popularity as a prize-fighter, he was one day driving to town in a dogcart, and passing a public house, the landlord of which he knew, he alighted for a drink. Haying finished his liquor, he was standing chatting with Boniface outside the house when the vicar of the parish came hurrying up and asked the latter if the omnibw had passed. "Five minutes since," replied Boniface, whereupon the vicar expressed his regret, saying he had an appointment in town, and feared that he should miss it. "I am driving to the city," said Sayers, "and I shall be happy to give you a lift." The vicar thanked him profusely, and they started off together. .On the way the clergyman noticed that his companion was frequently saluted by the passers-by, who were evidently acquainted with him. "You seem to be very well known in these parts," he said to Sayers, " and yet, strange to say, your face is unfamiliar to me." " Very probably. I'm To"m Sayers, the prizefighter." - . * "Indeed!" said the clergyman? very ill at ease. "Then I must ask you to be good enough to allow me to get down." " I shall allow you to do nothing of the sort," returned Sayerß. " I undertook to drive you to the city, and I intend doing so." And, notwithstanding, the clergyman's entreaties, he was as good as his word. Judging a Man by His Cigar. If he doesn't smoke any. he's in luck. . If he always has a pocketful, he's a poor man. If he smokes many of them in a day he has no fear of death. If he smokes it right through he's a man of force' of character. -^ If he affects the Old Eaintuck Long Nine he is contemplating suicide. If he never has more than one he's cautious, and will probably die rich. If he's always borrowing matches to light up he's a bloomin' nuisance. If he tells you that his toby is bettor than your Henry Clay, he's got a lively imagination. If he keeps it right between his teeth until it's smoked out, he's a man of determination. 1 If he chews the end much, he's nervous and doesn't care a picayune for appearances. If he lights up frequently, he's as variable as the winds, and thinks too hard with his thoughts. If he smokes it clear down until it burns the ends of his moustache, he's of a thrifty disposition. If he insists on you sampling his brand, he probably has designs on your life, or is generous to a f ault.—Pittsburg Times.

Took Him Dothu Last autumn a large steamer was running up* the Bristol Channel, close under the .Welsh. * coast. Among her passengers was a young American, who, with Yankee pride, was expatiating to his fellow passengers on the greater resources of America as compared with, England, and Jonathan's •• excess ( of energy as illustrated by the growth of the western, towns of the United States. "Look a l -, Coiner's creek, in Nevada.. Four years ago there were only six or eight houses there, now it is a town of 10,000 inhabitants', with an elected council and mayor. 'Where,'* said he, "can you show such an example in England?" ♦•Is Coiner's creek built of wood or stone?" 1 asked the captain ; " and has it public offices and a town hall ?" "It is built mostly of wood; you could hardly expect stone in bo short a time, even in America. We have plans made for thepubli© buildings, but at present a largebarn does duty as church and a town hall." ' ••■->- " I think we can beat that in England," re* sponded the captain of the vessel.' " Just look at this town we are now passing. Look at its spacious granite-built^ docks, its ' substantial stores, and comfortable dwellings, every build- , ing is of brick or stone. That, Mr American, ia the town of Barry ; ib has 15,000 inhabitants, and yet four years ago there was only one farmhouse standing on the site of it. You see Old England is not bust up yet." "Silence is Golden." While in Dumfriesshire, Garlyle was in the habit of taking long walks into the country with his sister. - < A man who wished to boast of having spoken to the sage met him in one of those rambles, and, summoning up courage, asked him the time. In reply, Carlyle pulled out his watch and showed it to his questioner. The man was not to be so easily beaten, however. " How far is it to Dumfries ? " he next de« manded. . The great writer pointed to a milestone on the roadside, and walked /m, quite uncoil* scious of the disappointment given. Mixing the Bill of Fare. He seemed to be all right when he sat down at the table, and the waiter busied around getting him in shape for his dinner while he studied the bill of fare. He was rather unsteady possibly, but as he had nob eaten any- .. thing for 18 hours that was not surprising. " Well, Bir, what will you have ? " asked the waiter. " Took murtle soupand "coiled bodfish," he replied, holding up the bill. The waiter was disturbed. "What, sir? "he asked. "Tock murtle soup and coiled bodfish," he repeated, and the waiter snickered and went out. / He came back in a few minutes / with the order, and the guest took up the bill again. " Bring me," he said slowly, " some meg of lufcbon with saper cauce, some bibs of reef and hoiled bam, pashed motatoes, pried farsnips, prench f eas, and, waiter, wind her up with some pince mi&jpago sudding, ruts andnaisins, and a eof of cuppie." This time the waiter was almost thrown off his feet, and he st&red at his customer in amazement. The* guest returned the stare in hazy consciousness and shook his head slowly. "Don't seem to sound right, does ib?" he v asked. " I'm sure something's wrong with, it, but ib looks that way on the bill, and l'Vetfjjot to eat ib or starve," and the waiter tttflfed away hesitatingly, and moved off to the kitchen. - ■ • Eccentricities of Distinguished Men, Confucius, ib is said, was passionately fond of water-melon seeds. Samuel Richardson wrote his novels while attired in a full-dress suit. ' Mark Twain is fond of cats, and has One named Satan, another called Sin. , Herrick, the poet, was fond of pigs as pets, and taught one to follow him aboub and to drink beer out of a mug. i ' Handel used, when travelling, to order dinner for three, or, if hungry, for five, and then eat the whole himself. Cardinal Richelieu hated children and loved cats. When he died his favourite Angora pet refused to cab, and soon perished, Philip, the Duke ef Burgundy, spent much . time in contriving trap- doors in his house and grounds, ".to souse unwary strangers in the 'water beneath. Next to money, Rembrandt loved nothing so well as his monkey. He shed tears when the ape died, and painted a portfait of his pet from memory. Julius Cceaar was ashamed of' his bald head,

and when it became shiny he constantly wore a laurel wreath. The~Boldieriy Duke d'Bpernay became ill for hours if he" saw a hare, and once kept'his bed for a week because one leaped on him. _ Cowper loved pets, and had at one time five rabbits, three hares, two guinea pigs, a magpie, a jay, a starling, two canary birds, two dogs, a 41 retired cat," and a" squirrel. Macaulay sometimes took his Sunday dinner alone at a coffee house. After dinner he would build a, pyramid of wine glasses, which usually toppled over. He would pay for the damage and go. The Troubles of a Reciter. Clifford Harrison, the reciter, has his own ideas of the " total depravity of inanimate things." He says it is 'usually fatal to intro- 1 duce an effective pause into a recitation, for something is sure to mar it. He adds plaintively:, " " , "If I am reciting in a hall where there is a striking clock, or past which a train runs, with shriek' an<H roar, I know that striking clock and (shrieking train will make themselves ■ heard at a moment when it is most important for me to have unbroken silence. ♦« I once wr,ote some verses for recitation, into 'which'l was so injudicious as to put a sudden exclamation; - "• Listen! What is that ?' '•I might have known what would happen. Clocks chimed, doors slammed, special trains screamed, old gentlemen coughed, someone was convulsed with an irrepressible sneeze, dogs came from distant parts on purpose to bark, a waiter dropped a tray and teacups, and a baby cried. I learned bitter wisdom, and t cut the passage out." ' • The Anniversary of her First Marriage. Speaking of travelling, we are reminded of a good story. ' Here it ia. Some commercial travellers were diverting themselves in the smoking room by repeating episodes of so-called «• cheek." All but one had related an instance ; when he was called upon, he drearily said :— " I don't know whether this is worth telling. You see, when I got back from my latest trip I went home at something after 9 o'clock." in the evening. Well, there was my house lighted up from top storey to basement, carriages were leaving the door, and affairs seemed to be going on inside on a grand scale. I let myself into the basement with a latch key and walked into the dining room. ' Strains of music came from the back part of the hall, and the mingled laughter 1 and conversation indicated a host of guests.^ '"Presently my wife came into the dining room dressed like' a princess ; she ran up to me, saying, 'Oh, Jack, I'm so glad you've come home early ! ' ' So'm I,' said I ; ' what's the matter ? ; ' Why, Jack,' said ehe, • don't you kuow ? - It's the anniversary of my wedding ! ' • Matilda,' said I, ' you have made a mistake. This is the* month of March— it was in the summer we were married ! ' She serenely replied, 'I kaow that very well; this is the anniversary of my first marriage. Go, and put on your dress suit, dear.' " Making- the Host of a Burglary. ",Now, if youwillshowme where the burglars got into your shop," Said the detective, "I will seeif Jean find some clue." "In a moment," said the proprietor. "I am working at something a little more important than hunting for a clue' just now. Take a seat." And while .the detective waited, the outfitter wrote as f ollowb at his desk : "The man who broke into Katzenhefter's shop ODuJhe night of the 15th and carried away a silkiat, a tur-trimmed overcoat, a black suit, and twoißuits of silk underwear was a blackhearted villain and a scoundrel, _ but a man whose judgment cannot be called in question. He knew where to go when he wanted the finest clothing the market affords." "Jacobs," he said to the bookkeeper, " send a copy of this to all the papers in town, and tell 'em I want it printed in big black type tomorrow morning. Now, Mr Hawkshaw, lam * at your service.'] How the Great Sheha Mine was Found. Information had been obtained by a clerk in a city bank that at a certain place at the Cape there was a rich gold dep'osife. An honest engineer offered to go out, find it, and secure the property, to do which required £300. . , It was subscribed with other clerks' assistance in 15 shares of £20 each. The engineer went out. For a long time he searched in vain. At last he gave it up. After making his preparation's Jor return to BDglarid, he took a last look round. Sitting down for a rest, he was idly chipping the rock with his, hammer. He picked up a piece ; it had' a yellow tinge ; acid applied showed gold ! ' * He searched all round the whole hill ; still he found the yellow-tinged goldbearing quartz.: , ' . Thus was the Great Mount Sheba mine discovered. ' One of the original 15 £20 shares would be worth at least. £100,000, and has probably already yielded more to the fortunate owner. Dnelling with lassoes. When the cowboys of New Mexico feel aggrieved one at the other,, and fear that the law will attend to them if they resort to pistols or rifles to settle the'disputed point of honour, they -sometimes employ their lassoes as fighting weapons. " I have seen," says a recent writer, " only two such duels, and I never want to see another. *The combatants, ride their ponies out on the smooth -prairie, each accompanied by a second, and with the lasso as their only weapon they go at it for business. "Mounted as. -they are, they circle round the prairie at a cautious distance from each other until one thinks he has his adversary at a slight disadvantage, when he throws his coiled rope to encircjeihis enemy's neck. Sometimes it happens taat'boQi lassoes are thrown at the same instant with' equal^ffectiveness, and then of course the issue is settled by the ponies. "Beit woe to 1 the unlucky follow who_ allows himself to be lassoed without also' lassoing his adversary, for it means that he is to be jerked from his steed by the rope and dragged over the prairie *at theJJ topjjspeed of his enemy's horse until he is either choked to death, if it be his neck that is caught, or dies from bruises and broken bones if an arm or a leg be caught in the lasso. ' " But for its frightful brutality the spectacle could be recommended to the lovers of duelling as a novel and thrilling one." Frince and Pewter. At one time the Prince of Wales waa wont regularly to patronise a well-kuown West Bod refreshment establishment, where the finest bitter ale in London -was to bo had. He did not reveal his identity, and the proprietor of the place was ignorant of tho rank of his modest customer, who, in common with others, sipped his " bitter " from a pewter jog. Ultimately, however, the Prince was recog-

nised, and on his next appearance instead of the usual pewter measure a valuable silver tankard was placed before his Royal Highness. Without comment he partook of the beverage aud left; but the royal customer never came back again. The visit was discontinued the moment it was robbed of its novelty. How He Told. When Coleridge was staying among the Quantock Hills, he was fond of riding over to Taunton whenever he could find a sober steed. One day, on a familiar route, his horse cast a shoe, and he stopped at a village to have it replaced. "What time -is it?" he asked the smith, chiefly with the desire of making conversation. "I'll tell 'cc present, sir," said the man. Then he lifted a hind foot of the horse, looked across it attentively, and added, "Half-past 11." " How do you know P " asked Coleridge. "Do'ee think as I've shoed horses all my life and don't know by sign what o'clock it is ?" ! The poet went away puzzled, but he reI turned that evening, and offered the blackj smith a shilling to show him how he could tell time by a horse's hoof. • " Just you get off your horse, sir," said the smith, with a twinkle in his eye. "Now do 'cc stoop down and look through the hole in yon ash an you'll see the church dock ! "