FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2006, 4 August 1892, Page 37

FUN AND FANCY.

— " The only way to prevent what's past," •said Mrs Muldoon, " is to put a stop to it be--fore it happeus."

— Schoolmaster : " Put away those sweets immediately." Small Boy (swallowing tbcin): " Yes, sir, I have." — Learn modesty from the burglar. Does it ever bother him who may get the credit for his work 7

— Nobo3y but a loving mother could weep bitter tears over a lost cbild, and then spank at energetically for returning. — Let married people take a lesson from »their shoes. If they were exactly alike they wouldn't make a well-fitting pair. — In France and Germany, where good Toands are to be heard in almost every town, street musicians are not endured.

— First Class in Botany. — Teacher : " Bobby, what is moss 1 " Bobby : " It's what rolling stones don't gather, ma'am." — " Mußic Hath Charms." — She (singing rapturously) : " I would I were a bird. ' He (growling totto voice) " Would I were a cat I "

— Agent (to rran at the door) : "Is the head of the house in, sir?" Man at the door : " Yes ; she's in. What do you want of her?"

— Topsy-turvydom. — Customer : ••Donner•wetter, things are the wrong way about in this wretched hole I The waitress is old and She beer young 1 " She (after the wedding) : " Let's extend our wedding tour to Utah, so we can see Salt Lake City." He : " Good idea I Let' 6 take the bridesmaids along."

A witness in a certain trial, who was nothing if not accurate, swore that someone had called over the balusters, •' Tom, Tom I or words to that effect."

■ — Brown : " I'd like to see that new device of yours for preventing the theft of a watch." Jones : " Can't show it. It was stolen from me yesterday by a pickpocket." — A Forcible Argument. — Suitor (persistently) : " Why do you keep me waiting so long for an answer 1 Remember that you are growing older every minute 1 " A, shoemaker hung out a new sign, and then wondered what passers-by found so amusing.( .His sign ran : — " Don'c go elsewhere to be swindled. Walk in here."

—Mr Youngwife : " I've got a lot of money lying idle at the bank, and I don't know what to do with it." Mrs V. : "How wasteful I Take it out and spend it I "

— Helen : " Just listen to that soprano 1 What good would the ' wings of a dove ' do her 1 She must weigh 3001b." Jack : " Probably she wants them to trim a hat with." — Fidgety Lady : "But what am I to do 7 I can't ride with my back to the engine." Sarcastic Youth : " Better speak to the guard. He'll turn the train round to oblige you." .—. — Ultra - Sentimental. — Countess : " Susanne, I cannot weep any longer 1 (giving pocket-handkerchief to her maid). Here, you go on weeping till I have recovered somewhat."

— " Why, Sharpe, I'm glad to see you so lively again. You were quite lame when I last met you." "Oh !,yes ; I was awfully lame then. But that was before I got a verdict of LIOO against the railway company."

— " Congratulations, old boy I " They tell me you have a little stranger at your house," " Stranger 1 If you had heard the way he went on when he arrived, you would have sworn he'd been acquainted with us all his life."

— Bobby : " Pa, what do they call a man who has two wives ? " Pa : " A bigamist, Bobby." Bobby : " Pa, suppose he has more than two wives, what is he then 7 " Pa : "An idiot. Now don't bother me with any more questions."

— Country Landlady : " I hope the rookery won'c annoy you. City people genprally object to tho cawing of the rooks." Mr Jones : " Don't mention il, Mrs Greene ; I'm used to such things ; my neighbours in town are nearly all musical."

— "How is your father comingon 7 " asked Colonel Verger of a darky he u?ed to own before the war. "He am dead 1 " " Dead, is he 1 He must have reached an advanced age." ." He did dat for a fac'. He was libin up to de berry day of his deff ." — " Hallo I what's the matter ? " said Bill, the footpad, to Jack, of the same profession. " That chap that I tackled thi* mornin' was an editor." " An' of course he hadn't any money 1 " " Wor3e than that. He talked me inter subscribin' for bis confounded paper." — " Literature cprtainlyruns ia the Greensmith fimily The two daughters write poetry that nobody will print, the son writes plays that robody will act, and the mother writes novels that nobody will read." " And what does the write 1 " "Oh, he writes cheques that nobody will cash." — Uncle Jack (driving with his Boston niece through the suburbs of Chicago): "There, Margaret I There's a fine place — Mrs Bornstein lives there — just married to her sixth husband." Margaret: "Sixth husband, Uncle Jack I Ob, I know so many girls at home that are pining {or their first."