THE CONTRIBUTOR. THE ASSURANCE DOCTOR.

Otago Witness, Issue 1994, 12 May 1892, Page 44

THE CONTRIBUTOR. THE ASSURANCE DOCTOR.

By a Victim.

At 11 a.m., by appointment, I stepped into the doctor's room. It was a cold day in July, and there was no fire ; but the doctor was equal to the occasion and warmly invited me "to take off my things." As a victim's first duty is obedience, 1 took 'em off, and in a state of semi-nudity I sat me meekly down on the cold, cold chair, while the medioal 'gentleman calmly and very leisurely proceeded, not, as I expected, to job the soft stethescope o'er my manly breast, but to discomfort me, by turning the tables— said tables being a mysterious, standard compilation anent the human frame. Standard I— age 30. Don't lo?k it. Height, sft Bin. Too short for your weight. What is your weight 1 "—" 125t 41b." " Let me see 1 A man sft Bin ought to weigh lOst 6in. You are too heavy for your height 1 Ought to take something for it, or ought not to take so much. By the way, what do you take?" — "Anything lying around loose." " No, no 1 I mean what do you take by way of beverage.? " — " I don't drink it ; don't know the name^at all." Here the doctor began to look z. little bothered, so I went on : 11 If you mean what do I take by way of refreshment, I take anything I have a fancy for." " What have you a fancy for ? "— " Cocoa, coffee, tea," I replied. " Any spirits or beer ?"—"? "— " Certainly." 11 Oh, well, about how much beer or refreshments do you take in a day ? "— " Jast as much as I feel inclined to." "Do you take one glass of beer." — " Yes." "Two?"— " Yes." " More ? " — " Depends upon the weather a cold day like this I should take a whisky if I could get it." And the boldness of my reply having apparently taken the doctor's breath away, I thought I would carry the attack into the very camp of the enemy, so began a little cross-examination on my own account. 11 Now, doctor, about those standard tables of yours. Did you ever meet a man who fulfilled their requirements? " — " Yes, certainly, many." " You and I are mutually acquainted with scores of people in Dunedin. Just name one?"— "Oh, well! Oh, yes I vm — ahem, Its not easy to name them off hand." " I don't ask you to name many, one will do. Now look here, doctor, I've been sitting on this frozen board for half an hour with my things off. Are you going to sound me ? " "My good sir, don't be impatient. I haven't come to that yet." " I'm not impatient, but I shall be jolly well refrigerated directly." " Were you ever afflicted with opthalmia, hydrophobia, gimpers, salmagundy, sockdologers, lurgies, opalinia, katsegdes, maorimania, catarratsopy 1 " To all of which, although the small portion of my blood which had not stagnated on the chair, ran cold at the sound of such weird

and ghastly names. I boldly answers "No!"

" What," said the doctor, " do you meai to cay that you never had a fit ? " — " No, bu I've had a missfit. It's lying on the table not the standard table (that's lying on it own account), and a beastly bad coat i is I" " Never had toothache 1 "— " Oh ; yes." " Then what do you call lurgies ? " " Never had a cold in the head? "— " Yes often!" " Well, what do you mean by saying • no' to catarratsopy ? " 11 Say, doctor, can't I put on my thing while I am still alive?" " No ; wait till I take your chest measure ment. No, that won't do at all. Expel thi breath from your body. .So I Ahtchoh Now, draw a long breath j now breathe on 1 again. No, that won't do at all. I can'l take your measurement if you don't do as ] tell you." " I'm jolly well sure you won't get anothei show again to-day, doctor, unless the nexl measure is for a coffin. I'm off— not for s beverage, but for refreshmant." " Here, hi 1 did you say your occupatiur: was sedentary? " — " No," " I thought you were a clerk ? " — " Yes." " Well, isn't that sedentarj ? " " Oh, Law ; lurgies is toothache, catarratsopy'g cold in the head, and a clerk's a sedentary. Shade of Glenlivet 1 what would you call whisky, doctor ? "