FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 1994, 12 May 1892, Page 37

FUN AND FANCY.

— Yon need help to raise a laugh, but you can heave a sigh alone. — .Saints are not made in a day, but sinners can be made in a moment. — It is one of the paradoxes of life that a man of small calibre is often a great bore. — Irish Porter (calling out the name of station): " Patrickswell." Tommy Atkins (from a third-class compartment window) : 11 Glad- to 'ear it. We 'ope Biddy's in good 'ealth, too." — O'Kelly : "Is it breaking yer long neck yez afther in the dark ? " Dolan : " Sure, an' Oi can't foind the matches" O'Kelly: " Then stroike a loighr, and Ink for thim like a sensible person." — " Your marriage was the result of love at first sight, wasn't it ? " " Yes," replied the near-sighted friend. I never will forget that day. Only time in my life I was ever knoVn to forget my glasses." —*' There is more pleasure in giving than receiving," was tbe proverb that a mother was trying to instil into a youthful mind. "That's true about castor oil, mother," was the answer she got." — «' Why isn't somethicg done to save that ship in distress ? " cried an excited lady on the beach. "We have sent the crew a line to come ashore, mum," said a life-saver, hurriedly. '»Of all things! Were they waiting for a formal invitation ? " — " Now, little boys, can you tell me," said a teacher, "what the effect of tobacco is upon the system ? " Little Billy (who has wrestled with his first chaw) promptly held up his hand. "Well, Billy, what, is the effect 1 " " Makes ye wisht ye was dead ! " — Algy:'"Do you think, my love, that your father will consent to our marriage ? " Angely : "Of course papa will be very sorry to loose me, darling." Algy : "Bat I will say to him that, instead of losing a daughter, he will gain a son!" Angely: "I wouldn't do that, love, if you really want me. Papa has three such eons living at home now, and he's a little bit touoby on the po^nt. 1 '

— Taking it literally.—" Mrs Jenkins requests the pleasure of Captain Brown's company to a small party on Friday evening. Buxton Villa, Monday." " Captain Brown presents his compliments to Mrs Jenkins, and regrets that 13 privates will be detained by liabeas eorpiis writp, and two sergeants are on the sick-list ; the rest of Captain Brown's company will have pleasure in waiting on Mrs Jenkins on Friday evening."

— Dangers of Realism. — Oiiiic: "I have not seen Strutstsge this season." Actor: "My goodness I Haven't you heard Poor Strutstage ! You know be went out with the 'Villain Still Pursued Her' Company, and in tbe last act there is a lynching scene." "Yes. Strutstage played the villain. Gets Btrung up in the last act." " That's it. Poor fellow 1 He played it so well that one night, in a Western town, the audience got so excited that when the lynching scene came on they jumped up in their seats and shot him full of holes."

— Lamb was awakened early one Christmas morniDg by a noise in his kitchen, and on going down to that apartment found a burg'ar doing his spoons up in a bundle. •'Why d-do you s-s-st-t-teal ? " he asked. "Becaupe I am starving," returned the housebreaker, sullenly. "Arey-you re-re-ro-really ver-vtrj h-h-hung-bung gug-gery-bunjjry?" asked Lamb. ••"Very," replied the burglar, turning away. " Pup-pup-poor fuf-fuf -fellow 1 " said the essayist. " H-here's a 1-1-leg of L-L-Lamb for y-you." And so saying, with a dexterous movement of his right leg he ejected the marauder into the street, and, locking the door securely, went back to bed. Tbe burglar confessed afterwards that he didn't see tbe joko for six weeks.