FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 1977, 14 January 1892, Page 45

FUN AND FANCY.

—The man who never makes any blundersseldom makes a good hit. * — An infallible recipe : What to do to obtain white hands — Nothing,

— Crookedness in money matters frequently results in financial straits.

—The chances are that the man who hates himself hasstudied himself pretty thoroughly. — Never call a big man a thief. Get some zealous fiiend to break the news to him gently.

—Physic, says an old surgeon, is the art ofamusing the patient while Nature cures tho disease.

— An indirect way of getting a drink of water at a cheap lodging-house is to ask for a third cup of tea.

— A sailor who can't swim is about as' badly off as a soldier who can'c run. Wo should always be prepared for emergencies. — Sea Captain: "There is no hope! Tho* ship is doomed 1 In an hour wo will all' be dead ! " Seasick Passenger : " Thank: heaven ! '

— Caller: "Doejn't it worry you to think' of your daughleT on the great Atlantic Ocean?" Old Lady: "Dear me, no. She= can swim 1 " /s>

—He (seriously): "Do you think your father will object to my manying you?"' She: "I don't know. If he's anything likeme he would."

— Doctor : " I believe you have some sort" of poison in your srstcm." Patient: "Shouldn't wonder. What was that laststuff you gave me ? "

— " Goodness, John ! How queer baby look?. I believe lie is going to have a fir."' "By George! I believe you are right.. Where's my camera ? "

—Mr Spooney (slipping ring on her finger) : v Does ie please you ? " Miss Dash : " Yes\ indeed ; I'm never so happy as when I have, a new engagement ring."

— " Why, Jicpleton, I have net seen you' for 20 year.". And how is that 17 year-old wife you had just marrieJ.when we parted 1 "' " I have her yet. She's about 20 now."

— Tourist in the Highlands (looking back; into the railway carriage he had recently' left) : " Is there a Hack mackintosh here? "' Sanely : l Fdnt a ane; we're a' red Macgregors here."

— " The consumption of intoxicating liquorin this country staggers me," exclaimed a temperance orator from the platform, '• Me, too," gurgled a man at the rear of the hall trying to hold himsdf up by the plistering. — -Mother (suspiciously) : "If you haven'tr been in the canal, swimming, how did your hair get so wet?" Little Dick: "That's perspiration ; runuin' away from bad boys wot wanted me to disobey you an' go swimmin'!"

—A: "How are your neighbours - sociable?" B: "Oh, yes, very. They've borrowed a pound of butter, 10 eggs, a step~ ladder, and a dozen clothes pega within 24 hours of arrival. Oh, yes, they are very sociable."

— Woman's Gratitude.— He : "Yes, darling, and it shall be the purpose of my life to surround you with eveiy comfort and to anticipate and gratify your every wish." She : " How good of you, Harry. And all on £1 a week, too I "

—At a social gathering, the conversation being on Baalam's ass,, G»9 de Smith remarked: "I believe that animals can talk. I am sure that, even nowadays, asses talk, just like Baalam's ass did." "So I hear," eaid old Judge Peterby..

— A minister suddenly stopped in his sermon and sang a hymn. "If the members of the choir are to do the talking," he explained, " they certainly will permit me to do the singirjg." And then things in the neighbourhood of the organ became more quiet.

— "Are you fond of music?" asked a stranger of the yonng man at the concert who was appliuding vigorously after a pretty girl had sung in a very painful way. " Not particularly," replied the young man frankly, " but I am extremely fond of the musician."