EDITOR'S WALLET.

Otago Witness, Issue 1957, 27 August 1891, Page 41

EDITOR'S WALLET.

The German Emperor's Nicknames

The Berliners and the Germans in general delight in giving nicknames to their popular idols or antipathies. These nicknames are not always nattering to their owners, and there have been Hohenzollerns less fortunate than the Emperor William, who is not af mid to ask for his popular sobriquet. He proved this at a regimental dinner at which the Duke of Connaught and Prince Henry participated. In the course of conversation the Kaiser said :

"They call me the 'travelling Kaiser,' don't they ? I wonder if that's the only nickname I've got."

Prince Henry laughed, and Major yon Plesson, unable to c ntrol himself, joined his Eoyal Highnes3.

" What is it ? " asked the Emperor. "Do you know of any other nickname 1 If bo, out with it."

The major mumbled something about his respect ; but the Emperor said :

" Well, if you don't want to do it to please me, I command you to speak 1 "

The major then confessed that the Emperor was known among the common soldiers as the "Alarm Fritz," on account of his habit of suddenly, in the middle of the night, rousing the garrisons of the towns in which he might be staying.

The Emperor laughed heartily at this ; and Prince Henry remarked to his brother:

" Well, thou hast a similar name in the navy. The boys call you ' Gondola Billy,' for * gondoling about,' as they call it, on your ships constantly during the summer, and being anywhere and everywhere on the boats."

" Well," laughed the Emperor, " those are three fine nicknames ; but, inasmuch as all of them paint me as a busy man, I rather like them."

Mr Bowser and the Germ Theory.

One of Mr Bowser's latest crazes, as discovered by the versatile "M. Quad," was an attempt to exterminate microbes and bacteria. His wife was, as usual, doubtful of his experiments, and was not more reconoiled to them when she found herself nearly poisoned with disinfectants. At this stage Mr Bowser calmly said :

" Mrs Bowser, let me draw you a picture of a microbe. You can then realise the danger which menaced us."

He drew the msect — something resembling a grasshopper — and as she surveyed it in surprise and disgust, he continued :

"Nioe thing to have about 40 of those birds cantering around through your system, eh?"

" Where do they come from ? " " Sewer gas. By this time to-morrow the house would have been swarming with them, and nothing on earth could have saved us from typhoid fever or diphtheria. If the microbe was the only thing to lock out for I shouldn't have been so anxious, but there is the bacteria."

"What's that?"

" Here is a picture of bim. Comes in the same waj, and his mission is to eat out the lungs. It is calculated that 2000 of them will eat out the strongest man's lungs in a month."

<'And they were in this house?" she aeked. " Bight here, in this house." "And ready to be absorbed into our systems ? "

" Not only ready, but anxious," "You are sure you don't mean cockroaches ? I saw two under the kitchen sink yesterday, and was going to ask you to get some powdered borax."

"Mrs ßowser 1" he began, as he stood up, "are you growing soft on the top of the head 1 Do I know a Bengal tiger from a woodohuck ? " M I— l suppose so." " But I don't know a microbe or a bacteria from a cockroach ? " he thundered.

"But I never heard you speak of them before, and I—lI — I "

" Do you imagine that I or any other husband sits down and tells his wife all he knows?" he shouted. "Because I haven't told you that a jack rabbit's legs have three joints is that any reascn why I haven't known it for 40 years ? "

" But this is medical science, isn't it 2" she softly protested.

" And suppose it is I Do you suppose I've gone slashing around all these years with nothing but a recipe for making soft soap in my head?"

She was silent, and after striding up and down the room a few times he halted before her, and continued :

"A wife isn't expected to know these things, of course, but I'll be accounted a pretty husband and father and member of a scientific club if I didn't know all about microbes and bacteria."

"But that picture of a bacteria looks like a lobster !• " she persisted. " Lobster I Looks like a lobster, does it 1

Very well, Mrs Bowser, this discussion wil end right here. It is plain enough that you haven't the necessary knowledge to appreciate it." "But don't you " " Never you mind, Mrs Bowser ! Let it drop right here. Is sapper ready ? " The odour was so strong in the dining room that the butter tasted of it, and after supper the cook called Mrs Bowser into the kitchen to ask : " Is it going to be like this all the time 1 " " Ob, no. Mr Bowser had to kill off the microbes and bacteria, you see." " What's them ? "

" I'll have him come out and explain." " No need of it, mam, for my bundle is all made up, and I'm going. A man who'll drag dead cats through his own house would cheat a poor girl out of her wages at the end of a month. Microbes and bacteria, eh 1 I don't believe it ! Let him show them to me up in. the Zoological Gardens."

When Mrs Bowser told Mr Bowser whathad occurred, he bristled up, got red in the face, and exolaimed :

"I see bow it is; couldn't carry your point -with me, so you went out and upset the girl 1 Mrs Bowser, you are treading on dangerous ground — very dangerous. A husband may be a worm, but if that worm is stepped on too often he turns ! "

Some Agreeable Lunatics.

" If you knew some of the lunatics here as well as I do," said a physician of an insane asylum, "you would enjoy their acquaintance. There are men here with whom I pass hours in conversation on agreeable topics,, and I am often among them whea fcley are talking with each other. Some of them are? fully aware that their minds are diseased, and they know that they are under treatment just as they would be if they were suffering from any physical ailment.

" One of them said to me, • I know I am insane ; and as Ido not believe I shall ever be right in the head I am content to stay here all my life.'

"Another gave me a learned account of the symptoms of lunacy which he said he possessed, and which became active whilehe was talking. There are all kinds of" people here, but there is rarely a case of a - man who is always raving mad. Even the ■ violent patients as a rule are violent only at . times, and I can get along with them in. their lucid intervals. Oh, yes, a proportion.-, of them are discharged cured, and we never.hear of them after they leave the asylum."

An American Girl Befers her Bean to* Pa.

Lovely Daughter : " Pa, Mr Nicefello proposed to me last night, and I referred him toyou." Pa: "Well, I really don't know much.: about the young man, and I'll have to "

Daughter: "When he calls to see you; about it, you are to receive him kindly — real fatherly, remember — and help him.i along all you can, until he asks for my hand, . and then you are to look alarmed, and talk about what an angel I am, and how 7 many [millionaires, and dukes, and princes' I've refused ; and then you are to reluctantly consent and give him your blessing."

"Oh 1 I am, am I ? But suppose I don't,, then what ? " " I marry him anyhow."

Fitting Names.

When Shakespeare made JuKeft asks,,. "What's in a name?" he did not have in view the humorous signification of names,, but the absurdity of the notion that a man must be the enemy of his neighbour merely; because he had inherited a certain name.. Shakespeare, who had an exceedingly strong sense of humour, had undoubtedly often been impressed with the fact that men's names do> sometimes have a singular relation to their.character and calling. And they have..

In one town, for instance, there is a man who devotes himself to the useful business of ridding private premises of rats and mice. His sign bears this inscription, in large letters :—": — " I. Kata, rats and mice, extermi-. nator." In one of the leading streets of' another town, there hangs, or did hang at as comparatively recent date, this sign : — " J. AW. Smith, dentist." This gentleman seems, to have been destined from his cradle for the; profession of dentistry or jaw smithing. Still more striking* perhaps, is the appropriateness of the following combination, seen on a sign in a certain village :— " Azrael Coffln, furnishing undertaker." There is great fitness in a sign tacked on the door, of a building, much frequented by musicians, in Paris: — " Monsieur Octave Pianeau, instructor and virtuosso upon the pianoforte." Sometimes the name goes the other way, and the signification is by contrast. A man, whose name was Isng, christened his boy Royal, expecting great things of him ; but when- the child became a man he seemed to be crushed and overpowered by his regal title, and became a waiter in a seoond-olass hotel.