FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 1956, 20 August 1891, Page 41

FUN AND FANCY.

— Cupid is a bad marksman. He is always making Mrs.

— It is so much easier to forgive a big man than a little one. The sunniest things throw sterneit shade ; And there is even a tmppin«ss that makes the heart afraid.

— The man who never makes mistakes misses a good many splendid chances to learn something.

— Amule would rather hear himself bray than listen to any other music. A good many people are made like him.

—Has to Wait.—" Time and tide wait for no man ; " but after a man is tied, how often he has to wait for a woman I

— Ancient Female (trying to be sweet to a great football player) : " And do you often break your neck at football ? "

—Bobby: "How did you manage to get that jug of milk ? " Tommy : " Told ma I saw the cat put her nose in it."

—Old Lady (in boot shop): "Have you felt slippers ? " Small Boy Assistant (solemnly) : " Yes, nu'am, many a time."

— Lots of people are willing to rob Peter to pay Paul, only they get tired when their job is half done ; they neglect to pay Paul. — At the mouth of a Cornish mine there is this piece of advice : " Do not fall down this shaft, as there are men at work at the bottom of it."

— Johnny t "I wish my father wasn't a clergyman." Bobby: "Why?" Johnny: " Sos people wouldn't be always giving him slippers."

— "Doctor, lam very ill. And yet I- eat well ; I drink well ; I sleep well." " Never fear, my good madam ; we will cure you of all that."

— Barber: "Have I ever shaved you bebefore?" Victim: " Gracious I I rather think not; do you think I would come a second time 1 "

— " That was a sympathetic audience I had," said the lecturer. "Yes, I thought they all seemed sorry for one another," said his bosom friend.

— "Jimmie has swallowed one of my poems," said Eondow, in despair. "That's all right," said the doctor. " Soft food is good for children."

— Stranger: "I have 300 burglar alarms I'd like to sell you." Hardware Merchant : " Do you manufacture them ? " " No, sir, I steal 'em. lam a burglar."

— "When I put my foot down, I'll have you to understand," says Mrs Strongwill, " that I mean business." On investigation, it was found that she wore a No. 11 boot.

— They were talking about trees. "My favourite," she said, "is the oak. It is so noble, so magnificent in its strength. But what is your favourite T " " Yew," he replied.

Discontent. Many a millionnire, did we but know it Would give up half his wealth to be a poet ; At many a poet, living low on air, Would give up all bis rhymes to be a millionaire. —A Yankee landlord shot one of his boarders for joking abcut the butter. His interference was unnecessary. It is said the butter was strong enough to take its own part. — Journalisticus : "Was there a demand for the author when your play was produce^?-' ■Drama'ticus : "There was a loud one, i but, thank heaven I I got out by the stage-door, and escaped."

— " In the first place, let me see if any of you can tell me what a widow i 3." There was, a long silence. Finally a small boy spok;e : " I know, 'cos my mother's one. It's a lady what takes in washing." —"What do you ask for this article?" asked a gentleman of a pretty shop-girl. " Fifteen shillings, sir." " Arn't you a little dear 1 1 " said he. « Well," she replied, blushing, " all the young men tell me so." — " Hannah," said a landlady to her new servant, "when there's any bad news, always let the boarders know it before dinner. Such little things make a great difference in the eating in the course of a year!"

— "There is no road that way," cried a farmer to a man who was walking through his fields. " 'Deed no," was the curt reply ; " it's!, no a very gude road a weel, but a body maufc jist pit up wi'fc when they're in a hurry."

— A Welsh widow, while turning away from her dead husband's open grave, received a whispered offer of marriage ; but she softly replied that she had already accepted another offer as she was going into the church.

— Father (impressively) : " That gentleman is Professor Knowell, the scientist, whose marvellous discoveries have excited the attention of the entire oivilised world, — a man whom even to have seen is an honour." Son (a masher) : " How his trousers bag at tha knees 1 "

— " Papa," said the beautiful girl, as she nervously sewed, after making pa comfortable with his shoes and pipe and whisky — " Pa, did George, I mean Mr Moore, say anything to you to-day ; did he call ? " •' Why, yes, Minnie, and he was so ill and nervous that I sent him home in a cab."