FUN AND FANCY,

Otago Witness, Issue 1949, 2 July 1891, Page 37

FUN AND FANCY,

— Tom : " A miss is as good as a mile." Jack : " Yes, and a good deal better. You can't hug a mile." — -" Mamma," said a little boy, who had been sent to dry a towel before the fire, " is it done when it is brown 1 "

— Our Cook : " Now, ma'am, 'ow will you 'aye the duck to day? Will you heat it cold or shall I 'eat it for you ? " —She was so inconsolable for the loss of her husband that when she played the piano she touched only the black keys. — New Prisoner (receiving his first rations) i "Wot 1 eat that ? Not me ! Why,I'll leave the bloomin' gaol first I " —Ethel i "Does this picture do me justice?" Maud: "It does something nobler, dear. It shows you mercy." —"Is this a case of long standing, madame ? " "Oh my, no, doctor 1 He ain't been on his feet fur near six weeks."

— Naturalists say that a cockroach has 3000 teeth. What an awful time the baby cockroaches must have when teething. —It is more natural to a man to lie in bed in the morning and wish he was rich than it is to get up and earn a few shillings. At an Evening Party.— Hostess : " People are very dull to-night, Henry; I can't get them to talk." Host: "Play something, dear." , t — A clergyman who was annoyed by the creaking shoes of his parishioners remarked that some people had " too much music in their soles."

— He said but little, yet as he gazed on the mutilated edge of his best razor, he mentally vowed never again to marry a woman with corns. Jack Oldstock: "We're very proud of our ancestry, you know." Tom Parvenue : " Yes, I know ; but how would your ancestry feel about you 1 " —Gentleman (indignantly) : " That mare I bought of you I call a ' roarer ' t " Horsedealer (coolly) : "Well, mister, I think Aurora's a pretty name for her." —A fat man was asked by a lady at dessert if he would not venture on an orange. "Madam," he replied, "I should be happy to do so ; but I am afraid I should tumble off."

—Magistrate : "So you admit having been engaged in making counterfeit money?" Prisoner : " Yes, your worship. You see the supply of the genuine article is so very short."

— " It is a pity," said an, Irish labourer, the other day, as he - warmed his hands, " that we can't have the cowld weather in the summer, and the hot weather in the winter." a p —A father of three sons and five daughters was recently asked what family he had. His answer was: ", I have three sons, and they each have five sisters." " Mercy ! " exclaimed the interrogator, " what a family I " —Boy : " Mister, will yer please tell me the time 2 " Druggist : ♦' Why, you were in here only two minutes ago asking for the time, and I told you then." Boy : " Ye3, l know; I was asking for Mrs Muggins then ; now I want it for another woman."

— " Mrs Sage, I should like to know, whose ferry-boats those are that I stumbled over in the hall?" "Ferry-boats, indeed, sir I These are my shoes. Very polite of you to call them ferry-boats." " I didn't say ferryboats," Mrs Sage. You misunderstood me. Fairy boots, I said, my dear." — If you remember how much easier it is to remember what you would rather forget than remember, than to remember what you would rather remember than forget— then you can't forget how much easier it is to forget that you would rather remember than forget, than to forget what you would rather forget than remember. Up in the parlour the young folks Bat ; With eaoh hour their words grew sweeter, While her father, grim' With a lantern dim. Sat down in the cellar and swore like a vim,

As he watched every skip of the meter.

— "Did you read about the Texas girl whose fiance did not appear in church at the time appointed?" Brown: "No. What did she do?" Westerly: "She borrowed the minister's revolver, and asked him to wait a few minutes. Within half an hour she came back with a placid smile and submissive bridegroom." — Anxious Inquirer : " I have called to ask about a oar-load of merchandise shipped to me from city. It should have been here in June, over a month ago." Freight Representative: "Freight paid?" Anxious Inquirer : " Yes ; and delivery promised in 10 days." Freight Representative : " When did you say it was shipped?" Anxious Inquirer: "In June." Fa eight Representative (turning over his records): •• What year? " Anxious Inquirer swoons. Freight Representative lights a fresh cigar.