FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 1917, 13 November 1890, Page 42

FUN AND FANCY.

— Silence is the fence around wisdom. — A doctor never knows the value of illhealth until, one of his patients loses it. — Uncle Hiram : " Who do you , get to patch your clothes, my man ? " Summer Boarder (disgusted) : " Those aren't patches. They're checks." — Enamoured Youth : " I beg you, sir, for the hand of your daughter. I cannot live without her." Old Grumps : " Glad to hear ib. I can't live with her. Name the day young man, and have it. soon." Enamoured Youth (backing off) : " Um—er— please give me time to reflect." — Mrs Gosseep : "Of course, Mrs Fliton is a friend of mine, but don't you think she is just a little bit common ? " Mrs Kindleigh : " Yes, she might be more particular in her choice of friends, I think." PAINTING THK LILY. TJb but to white a lily o'er. In honey sweets to smother, Or elie 66 salt the sea- no more When women kiss each other. -^Philadelphia Press. — Very Appropriate. — Mrs Singleton : •• Is that your better half I see across the street ? " Mrs Littleton : " Yes, you might call him that. He lost 200dol on a horse-race yesterday. — Muggins: "Funniest thing happened the other 3ay. Jones was trying to make his mule drink out of a bucket, when the animal kicked him." Cobb : "Ah 1 then did Jones kick the mule 1 " Muggins : " No ; he kicked the bucket."— Life. — Afternoon Caller : "Is Miss Lippitt disengaged ? " Nanette : " I'm afraid so, ma'am. I just seen her young man hurry down the front steps with the diamond ring , she's been wearing since April," ' — He : " How do you do, Miss Brownstone ; they tell me you have moved out to the country-er-at what time do the trains run out to your place ? " Mrs Brownstone (who has not yet been broken in to catch trains, wearily) : " The trains run three minutes before I ran get to the station, and at other times during the day." — Elderly gentleman to a little boy who (is buying toffee : "My young friend, don't you think that instead of Bpending all tbe pennies you get it would be better to put some of them away for a rainy day?" Little Boy : " Oh, no ! What's the good of money on a rainy day 1 Ma never lets me stir out of the house."

— A Highlander who sold brooms went into a barber's shop in Glasgow a few days since to get shaved. The barber bought one of his brooms, and after having shaved him asked the price of it. "Twopence," said the Highlander. " No, no," said the barber, 11 I'll give you a penny. If that does not satisfy you, take your broom again." The Highlander took it, and asked what he had to pay. " A penny," said Strap. " I'll gie ye a bawbee," said Duncan, " an' if that disna satisfy ye, put on my beard again." — A Dragoon was tried in Dublin for desertion, and for carrying off his horse and accountrements at the same time. When on his trial an officer asked him what could induce him to take his horse away, to which Pat promptly replied, "He ran away with me, your honor." " But what," said the officer, " did you do with the money you got for him ? " •' That, plase your honor," said the fellow, with the utmost indifference, "ran away to." — Among the professional reminiscences of Daniel O'Connell, when at the Irish bar, was the following unique instance of a client's gratitude. He had obtained an acquittal, and the fellow, in the ecstacy of his joy, exclaimed: "Och, counsellor, I've no way here to show your honor my gratitude, but I wish I saw you knocked down in my own parish, and maybe I wouldn't bring a faction to the rescue 1 "

Tom Dibdin had a cottage near Box Hill, to which, after his theatrical labours, he was delighted to retire. One stormy night, after Mr and Mrs Dibdin had been in bed some time, Mrs Dibdin being kept awake by the violence of the weather, awakened her husband, exclaiming, "Tom, Tom, get up I" "What for?" said he. " Don't you hear how very bad the wind is ? " "Is it ? " replied Dibdin, half asleep, though he could not help punning— "Put a peppermint lozenge out of the window, my dear ; it is the best thing in the world for the wind,"

" WeUiafUM"