Be a Cranky Crank.

Otago Witness, Issue 1916, 6 November 1890, Page 42

Be a Cranky Crank.

A Cart-load of Truth About the Cranks Who Turned the World Upside Down.

The crank is the medium through which motion is imparted to all machinery, and the crank in society is the medium through which all original ideas a"c forced through the thick skulls of mabidnd in general. The crank rises above the teeming millions because he is different from them, and that difference, which consists in the possession of a small but carefully- selected stock of brains, makes him conspicuous. The crank does not attract attention by acting as hostler and stableman to a pair of Siberian bloodhounds or a St. Bernard dog which was bred in Hester street, and whose ancestors smelt salt water only when fish brine was put on them to kill fleas. The crank does not wear a button -hole bouquet because every ass on his street does. The crank goes four blocks out of his way to return a borrowed umbrella. He does not try to talk English and dress Cockney when his features reveal the fact that for fourteen generations his nose has been used in New England to split pumpkins on, and his cheek bones shine like red morocco pads on a coach harness. He does not change his suits as many times in a day as the trump does in a euchre deck, just to be in fashion. The crank does not borrow five dollars of every man who smokes a cigar with him, and he will pay a debt more readily than a compliment. The crank is prompt, sharp, and savoury, and so is salt, but both are pretty necessary in the world and in well-regulated food.

Young men, you may have heard of Columbus — not in Ohio, but in Genoa, Italy. He was a crank. He told the whole world, "Go west, young man, go west, 1 ' and it went west ; and the Gould systerp. of railroads and the new aqueduct, not to speak of the Rochester knockings and the more persistent and effectual knockings of John L. Sullivan, have grown out of that advice.

When Columbus refused to buy his wife a pug dog, and continued to wear tight pants after the fashion changed, the populace of Genoa called him a crank ; but he got there all the same, and had a cannon named after him — the Golumbiad — whiph sounded and kicked, both like thunder.

Galileo was a crank. He asserted in one of his advertisements of a clock he had patented—" The world moves, great reduction in clocks," and they snatched him up and told him to recant, ** Recant," said he,

" I really can't," and went on and perfected his inventions, which resulted in the Waterbury watch. Washington was a crank. In 1775 you could find a million people in England who said he was a crank. They told him in '76 that it was* all right for tha colonies to sul - nit, and remarked of the. Stamp Act, "It's Ei.^lLb.duii'L oin/.v kuuw"; au>l Wash. t,aiuiully placed liib thumb on his nose and worked his fineers like a fan as he remarked. "That* what's the matter." And the English wished Lo gei his remains to hold a.postmortem on, but Washington put himself in the hands of his iriends and they elected him father of his country, which position he will probably hold a good while. Oh, what a crank Lincoln was 1 How his clothes wouldn't fit him, and he had bunions on his big feet, and his trousers bagged at the knee, ;md my, my, what a great homely mouth ho had 1 and stories — well, boys, if I catcl. any oE you telling Lincoln's stories I will pull you bald-headod. Well, I say no more. Tlutc never was a gieat man yet who did not begin bu-iim-ss as a crauk. I would rather b« a s[>cokled bean in a two-bushel bag of i'icf while ones 'nan to lose my identity as one ef ih« two millions.

I want t<> find the- >oung man you called a crank. He utn t:t,ko my fine boots and gold watch vrhun he goes to a party, and can go fishing with me in June. I want to be on the right side of that youth. Ho will bo able to n'wv me a post office if hi- live* 20 y.',iL - rf. All of yo\i v\lio have bruin;- enons/h •<<M) , Wi i("v\ >.p '<,:< ' 1.1 'V c;i it loaii ('